Urban Legends Are Parodies Too
by sinecure
Summary: Once again Spike, Willow, Buffy, and Xander are forced to read and mock a movie. Revamped last two chapters.
1. Urbans Legends Are Parodies Too (part 1)

**Title:** _Urban Legends Are Parodies Too_ an MST of _Urban Legends_

**Author:** sinecure

**Summary:** An MST-style fic Starring Spike, Willow, Xander, and Buffy. I stuck them in a room, and they can't get out. Wanna know more? Read my first one, _I Know What They Parodied Last Summer_, and it should clear up some of your confusion... but not much.

**Disclaimer:** The movie they're riffing on-_Urban Legends_-and the shows _Buffy the Vampire Slayer_, _Angel_ (in case I mention stuff from there), and _Mystery Science Theater 3000_, don't belong to me. I'm show-less and movie-less, which probably explains why I'm writing fanfics and parodies of fanfics.

**A/N:** I liked this movie to some extent... so, all the riffing and jokes and such are done in good faith. Speaking of Faith, this takes place during season 4, sometime in the middle. After Oz leaves, but before Tara comes in. Anya's in the picture so is Riley. And that's about it, I think. No time specific.

**A/N:** This was transcribed by someone else, I found it and decided to use it for my own devious devices, for I am evil. Anyway, I changed no wording or phrasing, fixed no spelling mistakes, or grammatical errors; they all belong to the transcriber. If he/she doesn't like this being used, let me know and I'll beg you lots to let me use it.

* * *

Spike was bored. This place was worse than the bathtub at Giles' flat. He forced himself not to sigh as he stood up. The utter lack of anything resembling energy, or interest was grating on his nerves now. He didn't have the urge to do anything specific, or general, but he did want to do something other than the same thing they'd done everyday. Lately, all four of them had been pretty damn apathetic. They hadn't even discussed how to get out of the house, and when they did, they quickly lost interest in the subject.

The window on his left called to him, and he had no reason not to heed the call. He threw it open, and leaned against the sill, blowing smoke through the invisible barrier. It didn't light up like he still half expected it to. Nothing at all happened. Nothing ever did in this place, except the arrival of new rooms, and the occasional movie script.

They almost had a complete house now. Four bedrooms, complete with their own bathrooms, a kitchen, a front room, a front door that wouldn't let them out, and numerous other, useless rooms. And two scripts. Not to mention a partridge in a pear tree.

Occasionally he got to relieve some of his boredom by arguing with someone... usually Buffy, but that was really it. This place was slowly driving him bonkers. Despite his best efforts, a sigh escaped him anyway. Maybe he should do as he'd wanted to do for three days now. Go through the door between his and Willow's rooms, and- and what? Kill her? No, not that. Not yet anyway. Maybe have a little fun with her. He'd been watching her a lot since his incarceration... both at the Watcher's place, and this place they were in now. She intrigued him, though he couldn't say why. And that meant no killing of her yet.

Besides, if he did anything now, they'd probably figure out the chip wasn't working. Buffy'd kill him for sure then.

Well, there was nothing for it but to go out there, and face them. Maybe something interesting would happen. Tossing his cigarette out the window a split second before remembering the barrier, he cursed himself for being an idiot and stomped it out, along with any possible sparks.

Standing in the doorway to the front room, he could see that they were all there, and he could tell, even after only one

glance, that another script had shown up. They'd been there a week now, and only been forced to read two, and they'd begun to think they'd get a break and not have to read any more. Apparently, no such luck. "What is it this time?"

"We're afraid to look," Buffy told him from her spot on the white couch in the middle of the room. "And here was me thinking we wouldn't be subjected to anymore."

"You and everyone else," Xander said. He, for once being the brave one, stood and grabbed the top page of the stack on the table. His groan boded ill, Spike was sure. "Urban Legends."

Spike rolled his eyes, positive their host was a teenybopper with a horror movie fetish, or a slightly older-man, woman, or demon, who knew?-with a cruel streak. Willow was silent, the only one silent, while the rest of them grumbled and complained. He... well, he wouldn't say he admired that about her, but he did think it was admirable... so, okay , he did admire her for it. So, what? Did that make him less of a demon for it?

Yes.

Leaving the room, he went into the kitchen to heat up a mug of blood. Human blood. He was getting used to having it all the time again, and was afraid that when-if-they got out of there, he'd have to leave town, or be killed by Buffy. He was smart enough to realize that, by himself, he didn't stand a chance against her. He was out of shape after being impotent and imprisoned. Refusing to think about it now, he went back into the front room, and sat down with the others in the chairs. He was second chair from the right, with Buffy on that side, Willow on his left, and Xander on the other side of her.

* * *

"Let the torture begin," he muttered.

-URBAN LEGEND

EXT. ROAD - NIGHT - RAINING

SPIKE: Stuck. Stupid movie. Bored.

-The only vehicle on the road is a land rover. It turns a corner.

INT. LAND ROVER

MICHELLE MANCINI, a college student at Pendleton University listens to the radio. Michelle has black, short cropped hair.

BUFFY: ...her turn-ons include money, and diamonds. Her turn-offs are nerds, and smart people.

-Sasha - (from radio)

You're listening to "Under the covers" with Sasha, on WZAB, the voice of Pendleton University. We're still talking to?

WILLOW: Well, if she doesn't know, how should we?

-Jane -

Jane. Sophomore. Hi.

BUFFY: Buffy. Freshman. Bye.

-EXT. ROAD

The land rover continues down the road.

XANDER: (as land rover) Wheeeeeeeeeeeee!

-Sasha _ (voice-over)

So, you've been stealing your roommate's birth control pills?

Jane - (voice-over)

Borrowing, okay? She never noticed before because I've been replacing them with baby aspirin.

ALL: O_O

-Sasha - (voice-over)

With what?

Jane - (voice-over)

Baby aspirin. Looks exactly the same. Anyways, now she's pregnant and has to leave school.

WILLOW: (as Jane) ...and she's totally blaming me, can you believe that? How selfish can a person be?

-INT. LAND ROVER

Jane - (cont'd)

And how the hell am I going to get a new roommate this late in the semester?

ALL: (laugh)  
WILLOW: This girl makes Harmony look like Gandhi.  
SPIKE: (offended) Hey! (then) Wait, no, you're right.

-Michelle reaches into the back seat.

XANDER: ...to pet her pet lion, Fifi, who bites her hand off. She careens into a tree, dies, and... scene!

-EXT. ROAD

A car comes at Michelle's car.

XANDER: It fakes left, then fakes right, then comes straight at her, trying to psyche her out.  
WILLOW: (as other car) Boo.  
XANDER: But she triumphs over the evil Vehicle of Doom.

-INT. LAND ROVER

Michelle reaches for a tape when she hears the car honk its horn! Michelle grabs the steering wheel and swerves out of the way.

XANDER: ...thereby avoiding almost certain owies.

-Michelle -

Oh my God.

BUFFY: (as Michelle) ...like, I am _so_ sure! I totally had the right of way, duh, I'm, like, the main character.  
WILLOW: Um, Buffy...?  
BUFFY: Yeah?  
WILLOW: You _do_ know that Michelle-  
SPIKE: (cough)Shh!(cough)  
WILLOW: Um, never mind.

-Sasha -

Next caller.

Michelle puts in a tape.

BUFFY: ...of Richard Simmons' Sweatin' to the Oldies, but quickly realizes that she can't sweat to the oldies while driving.

-Singer -

When I get a little bit tired of listening to the sound of tears-

WILLOW: Um, what exactly do tears sound like?  
SPIKE: Plop. Plop. Plop.  
BUFFY: Drip. Drip. Drip.  
XANDER: ... (shrugs) I got nothin'.

-Michelle - (singing along)

Turn around. Every now and then I get a little bit nervous that all the best years have gone by, turn around. Every now and then I get a little bit terrified but then I see the look in your eyes. Turn around, bright eyes. Every now and then I fall apart. Turn around, bright eyes.

EXT. ROAD

Michelle's land rover passes a brightly lit, crowded gas station.  
SPIKE: Gosh, could that possibly be foreshadowing?  
XANDER: No.  
BUFFY: Unh-uh.  
WILLOW: Nope. Not at all.

-Michelle - (voice-over)

Every now and then I fall apart. And I need you now tonight. More than ever. And if you'll only hold onto me tight, we'll be

holding on forever.

EXT. ROAD

The land rover speeds by.

XANDER: Vroooooom!

-INT. LAND ROVER

The rain starts to come pouring down again.

Michelle -

Oh no.

BUFFY: (as Michelle) ...the sky is leaking.

-She turns on the windshield wipers. She hears a beeping sign and looks down.

SPIKE: (as Michelle) Uh-oh! My pants are beeping... time to have sex again.

-The pointer is on the E.

XANDER: ...for Exciting!  
BUFFY: Excellent!  
SPIKE: (rolls his eyes) Egads.  
WILLOW: Ewwwwwwww! (all eyes turn to her) Oh, that was for the script, not a real ew. I am, at the moment, rather ew-less.

-Michelle -

Oh shit.

WILLOW: ...and now I'm ew-full.  
BUFFY: (chuckles)

-She looks out the window and spots a small gas station.

XANDER: (as Michelle) There's one! (beat) There's one! (beat) There's one!

-Michelle -

Please make it.

BUFFY: (as Michelle) ...be filled with lots of fattening snack foods for me to eat to fill the void in my life from my lack of anything resembling friends or loved ones.  
OTHERS: O_O  
XANDER: ...Buffy? You okay?  
BUFFY: Absolutely. Why?  
WILLOW: (quickly) No reason.  
SPIKE: (snickers)

-EXT. ROAD/GAS STATION

CLOSE ON:

a sign that reads "B & B Gas."

XANDER: Bed & Breakfast.  
SPIKE: Bimbos & Breasts.  
BUFFY: Bold & Brazen.  
WILLOW: Beautiful & Bodacious.

-As the land rover pulls into a pump,

SPIKE: ...it smashes it to pieces, sending gas and sparks flying. One of the sparks catches fire and everything explodes. The end.  
WILLOW: (snorts with laughter) We're ever hopeful, aren't we?

-it rolls over a cord that activates the service bell.

SPIKE: That's boring. Mine was much better.

-Michelle waits for somebody to come. When nobody does, she honks the horn three times.

SPIKE: (as Michelle) Um, somebody please come... I really need someone to come... right now, please. Come now.  
XANDER: (hides his laughter behind a cough)  
BUFFY: Ooo, look, Will... Spike was being witty in his usual perverted way.  
WILLOW: (nods) Yep, I was there when that happened.

-She looks around and sees a lot of junk cars everywhere. She honks the horn again. Michelle turns away from her window and

looks straight ahead. Suddenly, the GAS STATION ATTENDANT bangs against the window. Michelle gasps. The attendant has long hair and talks slowly and stutters a lot. Michelle is frightened by him.

BUFFY: (as Michelle) You have long hair, you talk slowly and stutter a lot... I am frightened by you.  
XANDER: (as Michelle) And later I plan to mock you with my friends.  
BUFFY: ...that she doesn't have and therefore eats fattening foods to make up for.

-Attendant -

R-r run out of gas?

WILLOW: (as Michelle) Nope.  
BUFFY: (as attendant) Then wh-wh-why are y-you here?  
XANDER: (as Michelle) To mock and ridicule you.  
BUFFY: (as attendant) O-O-O-  
SPIKE: (elbows Buffy)  
BUFFY: (as attendant) -K!

-Michelle reaches into her purse and pulls out a credit card. She rolls down the window a crack and sticks it out.

XANDER: (as Michelle, seductively) Here it is, baby, come and get it. Work for it, baby, work for it... (shudders) Whoa. : Of?  
WILLOW: (amused) The Fabulous Lady's Night club.  
XANDER: (nods) That'd be the one.

-Michelle -

Yeah. Fill it up.

SPIKE: If she insists on saying things like that-  
WILLOW: You'll refrain from commenting?  
SPIKE: (snorts) Not bloody likely.  
WILLOW: Why don't we try for PG-13 this time?  
SPIKE: Shit no!  
WILLOW: ...and there it went.  
SPIKE: (laughs)

-The attendant takes the credit card. He moves over to a pump.

XANDER: (as attendant) Umm... let's see... how do I work this thing? Connect hose to penis and-  
WILLOW/BUFFY: Xander!  
SPIKE: (laughs uproariously)  
XANDER: (chuckles) Sorry.

-Michelle -

Freak show.

ALL: Where? O_O  
WILLOW: (as Michelle) He is different from me, therefore, he is a freak.

-The attendant grabs the hose and unscrews her gas tank.

SPIKE: (to Willow) How am I _not_ supposed to comment on wording like that?  
WILLOW: (primly) Very easily.

-He sticks the hose into the tank.

SPIKE: (groans) I'm supposed to just remain silent? Not say anything?  
WILLOW: Yep. (encouragingly) You can do it!  
SPIKE: (sighs)

-He looks into her backseat.

The attendant starts heading back to the gas station. He looks back at Michelle

XANDER: (as attendant) Yep, still ugly.

-and starts to run.

Michelle waits while her car fills up.

CLOSE ON:

the numbers on the pump as they roll by. Michelle looks out her window, then at the gas station.

BUFFY: (as Michelle, singing) La de da de dum, la de da de dum, what's the name of that song? (louder) And it goes, LA DE DA DE DUM, LA DE DA DE DUM, WHAT'S THE-

-CLOSE ON:

the numbers as they continue to climb higher and higher. The attendant comes running out of the gas station and over to

Michelle's land rover.

BUFFY: (as Michelle) ...NAME OF THAT SOOOOOOONG!  
WILLOW: (as attendant) Excuse me, Miss Cat Screeching?  
BUFFY: (as Michelle, screams) ...you scared me!  
WILLOW: (as attendant) You should talk!

-Attendant -

M-m-m miss, c-could you come inside for a m-minute?

SPIKE: (as Michelle) Well... I'd prefer to come out here, but if I have to...  
WILLOW: (sighs) You were doing so well.  
SPIKE: (shrugs)

-Michelle -

Is there a problem?

XANDER: (as attendant) You mean besides that giant cockroach trying to eat its way inside your vehicle? Nope!

-The attendant holds up her credit card.

BUFFY: (as attendant) Come and get it, come on! Come on! Oh, that's a good girl, yes, it is!

-Attendant -

Credit c-card c-company's on the ph-phone. They wanna sp-speak with you.

Michelle -

Okay. Hold on a minute.

WILLOW: (as Michelle) First I want to laugh at you from the safe confines of my car. I'll be right with you.

-The attendant backs away.

XANDER: (as attendant) She's more evil than I thought... I'll have to get my Bitch-Girl Ray Gun. To the Gas-Station-Attendant-Mobile!

-Michelle -

Shit.

SPIKE: ... was that an order?

-She grabs a can of

BUFFY: ...spray paint, hoping to do some last minute touch-ups to her make-up.

-pepper spray and puts it inside her jacket. She throws on her

BUFFY: ...squirrel-skin coat, hoping the little squirrel heads and tails still attached will help to keep her warm, and allow her to blend in more easily amongst the redneck, backwoods, hick-type gas station attendant.

-jacket and gets out of the land rover.

EXT. GAS STATION

She pulls out her automatic

XANDER: ...weapon, spraying the gas station with gunfire, knowing she can't kill Attendant Man with mere bullets, but praying it will allow her time to get away.

-door lock and presses a button. All the doors lock with a beep. She jogs into the gas station.

WILLOW: (as Michelle) Feel the burn, feel the burn. Whew! What a workout. I am beat.

-INT. GAS STATION

Michelle looks around while the attendant closes and locks the door. Michelle heads over for the phone. She picks it up.

Michelle -

Hello?

XANDER: (as attendant) Um, you have it upside down. Try turning it- yeah, there you go. You're a smart girl! Yes, you are!

-All she hears is a busy signal. The attendant moves toward her and grabs her.

BUFFY: (as attendant) Haha, you're mine now! I've always wanted a bitch of my very own.  
SPIKE: As do we all.  
BUFFY: (to Spike, snidely) And you've got one. How is Harmony these days?  
SPIKE: Well-sexed.  
XANDER: (chuckles)

-Michelle -

No! Don't touch me!

WILLOW: (as Michelle, flatly) No, please. Don't touch me. No. Don't.

-She pushes him away

BUFFY: ... as she does with every man in her life, completing the pattern of aloofness she's kept up since she her daddy left her.

-and runs over to the door. She pushes on it

XANDER: ...not realizing it's actually a wall.

-but it won't open.

XANDER: ...because it's actually a wall.

-The attendant grabs her.

Michelle -

Let me go!

She grabs her pepper spray and sprays him full in the face. He falls to the ground, moaning.

SPIKE: (as attendant) Was it good for you too, baby?

-Michelle runs over to the phone and throws it through the window. She runs over to the window. The attendant starts to get

to his feet. Michelle climbs onto the window.

Michelle -

No!

SPIKE: No? Who's she talking to?  
BUFFY: The window.  
WILLOW: It's being naughty.  
BUFFY: Bad window!

-She falls out backward through the smashed window.

XANDER: (as Michelle) Owie, I broke a nail.

EXT. GAS STATION

Michelle -

No!

BUFFY: Bad window!

-The attendant stands up.

XANDER: (as attendant) I can walk! It's a miracle!

-Attendant -

No! Stop!

XANDER: (as attendant) I don't like this walking thing, it scares me.

-Michelle runs for her car. She tries to unlock it with her automatic door lock. The car alarm goes off. The attendant has

made it to the door, unlocks it, and throws it open.

WILLOW: (as attendant) And stay out!

-Attendant -

Stop!

Michelle runs over to her car and pulls open the door. She gets in and slams the door shut. The attendant slams his hands down on the hood.

Attendant -

Stop!

Michelle puts her foot down and the car goes forward, knocking the attendant down. He stands up, watching as the land rover

speeds away.

WILLOW: Um, didn't she just run over him?  
XANDER: Yup, looks that way.  
WILLOW: So, wouldn't he be dead? Or at least hurt a lot?  
XANDER: Yup.  
SPIKE/BUFFY: Vampire.

-Attendant -

S-Somebody's in the backseat!

BUFFY: (as Michelle) It's just Fifi, my pet lion. Thanks anyway though.

-His words send chills through the night.

ALL: ...  
XANDER: (quietly) ... brr.

-EXT. ROAD

The land rover speeds away.

XANDER: Vrooooooooooooooom!

-We hear the tape playing.

BUFFY: (as Richard Simmons) Lift those thighs, and one and two and lift those arms, get 'em moving!

-INT. LAND ROVER

Michelle is crying.

BUFFY: (as Michelle, crying) Richard Simmons is scary, how do I shut him off? Somebody help me!

-There are lighting blasts that light up the backseat. Suddenly, a dark form appears, rising from the back seat. With another lightning blast we see a double-headed axe in the shape's hands.

SPIKE: (rubs his hands together) Now we're getting somewhere.  
BUFFY: (to Spike) You're sick.  
SPIKE: (to Buffy) You're a skinny bimbo.  
BUFFY: (offended) You're dating Harmony!  
SPIKE: (snorts, ticking the names off on his fingers) Angel. Parker. Riley.  
WILLOW: Guys! Stop.  
SPIKE/BUFFY: (glare at each other)

-Michelle - (singing, crying)

I get a little bit worried. Turn around, bright eyes.

She looks into her rear view mirror. She gasps and turns around, right as the shape swings the axe. It connects with her neck.

BUFFY: But... she's the main character. She can't die!  
XANDER: (to Buffy) You did.  
BUFFY: Only for a minute. And I'm real, not a character in a movie.  
SPIKE: She's not the main character, idiot.  
BUFFY: I'm warning you, Spike...  
WILLOW: (clears her throat loudly)  
BUFFY/SPIKE: (glare at Willow)

-EXT. LAND ROVER

The axe comes breaking through the window, shattering it. Blood flies out the window, mixing with the rain.

The axe slowly fades from view.

SPIKE: (reverently) That was beautiful, man.  
XANDER: You're quite the icky guy, Spike.  
SPIKE: (grins)

-FADE TO:

EXT. PENDLETON UNIVERSITY - NIGHT - LATER

A STUDENT walks up a long flight of stairs,

XANDER: (as student, panting) Only two-hundred more to go.

-heading for a huge dorm. The camera pans over to a window on the third floor of a building. This is the radio station.

Sasha -

You're "Under the covers" with Sasha on WZAB, the voice of Pendleton University.

INT. RADIO STATION/SASHA'S ROOM

A room with a table in the middle. Mikes surround it.

WILLOW: (as Sasha) Mike, I'd like you to meet Mike.  
XANDER: (as Mike) Nice to meet ya, Mike. This here is Mike.  
BUFFY: (as Sasha) And this is Mike. Mike, say hello to Mike and Mike.

-SASHA, a girl with blond hair, stands next to the table.

XANDER: Hey, she's not under the covers... that's false advertising.  
BUFFY: (snorts) No, that's wishful thinking on your part.

-Sasha -

Caller?

Woman -

Hello?

WILLOW: (as caller) Hi, Sasha, um, I've been stealing my roommate's heart medication, and replacing it with bubble gum,

and now she's dead. What am I going to do?

-Sasha waves to her PRODUCER, who is in the room adjacent to the one she's in.

BUFFY: (as Sasha) Hi, producer!

-Sasha -

I'm right here.

ALL: ... 'K.

-The producer holds up a card with the word "Felicia" on it. Sasha peers through the rectangular window dividing the two

rooms.

Sasha -

Felicia. What can I help you with?

Felicia -

Well, it's kind of embarrassing.

Sasha -

Spit it out, Felicia.

WILLOW: patooie!

-Felicia -

That's the problem. I mean, I didn't.

ALL: O_O

-Sasha sits down in a chair and starts caressing a mike.

WILLOW: (as Sasha) I love you, microphone.

Sasha -

Ah. Had a little frat boy protein shake, did ya?

SPIKE: (snorts with laughter) This could turn out to be a decent time after all.

-Felicia -

I feel so sick. I mean, I can feel them swimming inside me.

Should I get my stomach pumped or something?

BUFFY: Um... this is sort of-  
WILLOW: It really is.  
XANDER: Cover your eyes, girls!  
WILLOW: We're not ten, Xander. We know about sex. We've _had_ sex.

-Sasha makes the universal sign of craziness.

BUFFY: ...by walking around the room and clucking like a chicken.

-Sasha -

Felicia, the only thing you need to get pumped is the air out of your head.

The producer nods his head in agreement.

BUFFY: (as producer) I agree.

-Sasha - (cont'd)

First, let me congratulate you on your choice of sexual activity, because the world is not ready for you to reproduce. Second, did you know that ingestion of major bodily fluids is a safe sex no-no?

WILLOW: (as Felicia) You mean, I could get pregnant? Don't worry, I've been stealing my roommate's diaphragm.  
BUFFY: (as Sasha) Um, no, that's not what I mean, I- ew.  
XANDER: Stop it, you two! You're not supposed to know about-and especially not talk about-this kind of stuff! It's just not right.  
WILLOW/BUFFY: (roll their eyes)

-Felicia -

Really?

Sasha -

Really. My suggestion is that you down a couple of shots of Pepto, and next time get away from the volcano before it erupts.

XANDER: (nearly apoplectic)  
SPIKE: (laughs) This is all it takes to shut him up?

-CUT TO:

INT. STUDENT UNION - SAME TIME

A large, spacious room where students come to relax.

WILLOW:: (as student) I'm so relaxed.

-Sasha - (voice-over)

That wraps up another night. This is Sasha, signing off for WZAB.

NATALIE SIMON, a cute girl with long, flowing red hair,

WILLOW: ...says her turn-ons are chocolate milk and bubble baths. Turn-offs include rude people, serial killers who stalk her, and work.

-grabs two cup of coffee and heads toward two couches, each facing each other.

Natalie - (grinning)

Parker, how does Sasha come up with that stuff?

XANDER: The couch's name is Parker?

-Pan down to PARKER, a guy with brown hair. He's laying down on the couch, reading a magazine.

WILLOW: (as Parker) Leave me alone, I'm relaxing.  
BUFFY: Unfortunate name he's got there.  
WILLOW: (pats Buffy's shoulder) Just remember, this isn't _that_ Parker.  
BUFFY: Right. (sighs)

Parker -

Devours every issue of Cosmo. Calls it her bible.

BUFFY: (as Sasha) And lo, the make-up brush did not cause flaking. So it is written, so shall it be.

-Natalie sits on the other couch. She hands her cup of coffee to BRENDA, Natalie's best friend. Brenda has curly brown hair.

BUFFY: ...her turn-ons are sweet, shy guys, and bland looks. Turn-offs are reading, and music.

-CUT TO:

PAUL, a handsome guy with brown hair

XANDER: ...two arms, and two legs, likes women, games, and comic books.

-as he walks over to the bar. He holds a newspaper in his hand.

XANDER: (claps) A hand for the skill with which he does these two things, ladies and gentlemen. Unbelievable!

-Brenda grabs Natalie's knee to get her attention.

SPIKE: Yeah, that's what she wants Natalie to think. (grabs Willow's knee)  
WILLOW: (jumps nearly a foot) What are you-  
SPIKE: (grins) Just wanted to get your attention.  
BUFFY: (stares daggers at Spike) Remove it.  
WILLOW: Okay, attention gotten.  
SPIKE: (removes his hand)

-Natalie looks over and sees Paul. From the look on Brenda's face, we can tell she is attracted to him.

XANDER: (as Brenda) I am attracted to him.

-Brenda -

So, Parker, finish your story about Stanley Hall.

BUFFY: (as Brenda, loudly) If I talk loudly Paul might notice me!

-Parker sits up. He throws the magazine on the table in between the two couches.

XANDER: (as Parker) I've already read this Playgirl.

Parker -

Right. So this guy, a professor here twenty five years ago.

WILLOW: Oh, no.  
XANDER: What?  
WILLOW: Bad sentence structure.  
SPIKE: At least there aren't any typos. No mental fixes on this one, right?  
WILLOW: You're right. (breathes deeply) Right.  
BUFFY: But up there I saw a typo-  
WILLOW No, you didn't.

-Brenda -

What did he teach?

BUFFY: (as Parker, confused) Classes.

-Parker -

I don't know. Physics or some shit.

XANDER: (as Parker) I don't know, geez, am I telling this story or something...? Oh, wait, I am.

-Paul, over at the bar, answers Brenda's question.

WILLOW: (as Paul) Yes, Brenda, there is a Santa Claus.

-Paul -

Abnormal psychology. You know, if you wanna tell the story right.

BUFFY: (as Parker) I don't, thank you very much.

-Parker is obviously mad that he was interrupted.

XANDER: (as Parker) I am mad that I was interrupted.

-Parker -

Not the point of the story, paperboy! But fine, abnormal psych it is. Any who, this guy, he just flips out. Goes completely

berserk, grabs a hunting knife...

SPIKE: (as Parker) ...and randomly butters pieces of bread! It was diabolical and heinous.

-Parker grabs a knife off of the table.

Parker - (cont'd)

Strolls into Stanley Hall, and bangs on every door.

Parker bangs on the table for effect.

Parker -

And every student who answered their door...

BUFFY: (as Parker) ...got their bread buttered. Total pandemonium ensued, as you can imagine.

-Paul pays the man at the bar and slowly walks away, eyeing Parker.

WILLOW: (as Paul) Parker's so handsome...

-Parker - (cont'd)

He takes the knife and he cuts their throat, ear to ear. Yeah. Does away with an entire floor before finally stabbing himself straight through the heart! Oh!

Parker pretends to stab himself in the heart.

SPIKE: Only pretends? Amateur.

-Parker - (cont'd)

And thus, the annual Omega Sigma Phi bash.

Parker falls back onto the couch. Brenda is disgusted.

BUFFY: (as Brenda) I am disgusted.

-Brenda -

You have a party to commemorate a massacre?

Parker -

You betcha.

WILLOW: (as Brenda) You kill people to have fun?  
XANDER: (as Parker) You betcha.  
WILLOW: (as Brenda) You torture people because it's neat?  
XANDER: (as Parker) You betcha.  
SPIKE: My kinda guy.

-Paul walks over and sets his bag down.

Paul -

Parker, let me get this straight. When this happened twenty five years ago, you were a... sophomore?

Paul sits down in a chair next to the two couches.

Parker -

That's funny.

ALL: No, it isn't.

-Paul -

Well, it's the same bullshit story you hear on every campus in the Northeast.

Natalie -

Thank you. I mean, where's the proof?

XANDER: (as Paul) Oh, I have no proof, I'm just saying.

-Parker -

You see, Pendleton knew damn well that enrollment would suffer permanently. So, in cahoots with the national news media and

other powerful sources-

Paul -

Like Lee Harvey Oswald? Or was it Jack Ruby? No, no. I know who it was. It was that F.B.I. guy who used to prance around in

women's clothing. He was the guy who covered it all up, huh?

BUFFY: (as Parker) Yeah! How'd you know?

-Paul's pager BEEPS. He checks it.

WILLOW: (as Paul) Yep, it beeped.

-Paul -

Oop!

SPIKE: (as Paul, singing) Alley oop-oop, oop, oop-oop... (as himself) I'm alone on that one?  
OTHERS: (nod slowly)

-That's the newsroom. I gotta go. Got a life.

XANDER: (as Paul) ...but they'll only hold it for me for an hour.

-Paul stands up and grabs his bag.

Parker -

Hey, Paul?

Paul -

Yeah.

Parker -

If there's another E. Coli crisis in the cafeteria, I want you to have the biggest, juiciest burger on me.

SPIKE: (as Paul) You want me to have the biggest, juiciest burger... and eat it off of you? Well, whatever floats your boat.  
WILLOW: Um, yuck. Imagery.  
BUFFY: (nods in agreement) Ew.

-He hands Paul a wad of cash. Paul takes it out and starts to walk away.

XANDER: ...then he stops, dons a tutu, twirls around the room, and leaves.

-Paul -

I'd love to. That article almost won me the student Pulitzer.

Brenda -

Bye, Paul.

Parker - (mockingly)

"Bye, Paul." Know what his problem is?

XANDER: Hemorhoids?  
BUFFY: Gingivitis?  
SPIKE: Fleas?  
WILLOW: Ulcer?

-He can't stand any big story without his byline on it.

ALL: Ohhhhhhhh.

-Parker stands up and leaves.

Brenda -

He is such a babe.

WILLOW: Wait, now she likes Parker?  
BUFFY: I think she was talking about Paul.  
WILLOW: You sure?  
BUFFY: No.

-She turns to face Natalie.

Brenda -

All right, did it seem like he was giving me the eye?

XANDER: No. Not at all.

-Natalie -

Uh, it was probably the mirror behind us.

They both turn and look at the mirror behind them.

XANDER: Okay, so, he was giving _himself_ the eye in the mirror?  
WILLOW: Sure.  
XANDER: Well, okay then.

-Brenda -

Oh, damn. Should I ask him out anyway?

She giggles.

WILLOW: (as Brenda) Tee hee, I'm so cute.

-EXT. STANLEY HALL

A gigantic, boarded up dorm. It's very run-down, considering nobody has lived in it for over twenty five years. Brenda and

Natalie walk toward it, conversing.

Brenda -

Okay, if Parker's story is true, and all those kids were murdered here, then why haven't they torn down Stanley Hall?

Natalie -

Because the story's not true. It's just a legend.

Brenda -

If it's just a legend, then what's the problem?

BUFFY: ... with?  
OTHERS: (shrug)

-Natalie -

I won't encourage this.

Brenda -

Come on, Natalie. Cut me a little slack. This is half the reason

I transferred here.

WILLOW: She transferred to a college just because of an urban legend possibly having originated there?  
BUFFY: Sure. Doesn't everybody?

-Brenda is overcome with an urge for danger. She claps her hands together.

XANDER: (as Brenda, laughing) Wow, that was so dangerous!  
BUFFY: (as Natalie, gasps) Why'd you do that? You live on the edge, girl!

-Brenda -

What exactly happens when I say "Bloody Mary" five times?

Natalie -

The person standing next to you wonders how you got into college in the first place. Come on!

BUFFY: Hey, Natalie did our job for us. Cool, we can just sit back and-  
XANDER: I doubt it.  
WILLOW: Points for trying though.

-Brenda -

You're scared, Natalie!

Natalie -

Yeah, right!

Brenda -

Then come on and let's do this. Come on!

SPIKE: (as Brenda) Come on, let's have sex outside in front of everybody, it'll be fun!

-Brenda grabs hold of Natalie's arm and they both race toward Stanley Hall's arched entryway.

Brenda -

Time to raise the dead!

XANDER: Time to make the donuts.

-Natalie -

I can't believe this.

They race up the steps and stop in front of the boarded up door. There is a small, square hole in the board.

Natalie -

Okay. Okay.

Brenda starts to recite the words while Natalie looks on with amusement.

Brenda -

Bloody Mary.

They share a look and giggle.

BUFFY: (as Natalie) I'm so giddy.  
WILLOW: (as Brenda) I'm so cute!

-VIEW

from behind them.

WILLOW: (as Brenda) Hey, that's my butt you're looking at, buster!

-Brenda -

Bloody Mary.

VIEW

of their front.

WILLOW: (as Brenda) Hey, those are my-  
XANDER: I said, stop it!  
SPIKE: (chuckles) Well, I wasn't looking at them before, but...  
WILLOW: (covers up) Hey! We've been through this before. I was kidding. Again. And you can stop looking!  
SPIKE: Prude.  
WILLOW: Pervert.

-Brenda -

Bloody Mary.

CLOSE ON:

The small hole in the boards.

Brenda - (o.s.)

Bloody Mary.

CLOSE ON:

Natalie and Brenda.

ALL: AHHHHH!

-Brenda -

Bloody-

SPIKE: -hell this is taking forever.

-Natalie - (quickly)

Bloody Mary.

Brenda looks at Natalie and sighs. There's no response from the undead.

SPIKE: Response.

-Natalie -

Fine, no answer. Maybe they're screening.

Brenda -

God.

Suddenly, a male voice is heard. Soft, but rising in sound. The voice is SCREAMING!

WILLOW: (to transcriber) So are YOU!

-It's coming from the hole in the board! More and more screams emanate from the hole.

Brenda and Natalie start to back away from the door.

XANDER: Why? Is it evil?

-Brenda -

Let's go Natalie.

WILLOW: (as Natalie) But, I don't want to go Natalie. I want to go dancing.

-Natalie -

Yeah.

They continue to back away slowly from the screams of pain and agony.

CLOSE ON:

The hole as more screams emit from it.

WILLOW: Wow. That is one talented hole.  
SPIKE: (opens his mouth to say something)  
WILLOW: (shakes her head at him)  
SPIKE: (sighs) Fine. Prude.  
WILLOW: Pervert.

-CUT TO:

Brenda and Natalie as they back up into...

DAMON BROOKS!

XANDER: (as Damon) Ow! Get off my foot, Natalie. Brenda, watch the hair.

-They scream and turn to face Damon, who holds a flashlight. He has bleached blond hair.

SPIKE: ...and looks down on people, thinking them inferior. His turn-ons include violence and torture. Turn-offs are innocence and cute things.

-Damon -

You called?

WILLOW: (as Brenda) Me called Brenda.  
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Me called Natalie.

-Natalie -

She was trying to summon the dead, Damon, not frat boys with badly grown facial hair.

XANDER: Badly grown facial hair? What'd he do, grow it sideways?

-Brenda laughs while Damon rubs the few hairs on his chin.

Damon -

It took me a month to grow this.

Brenda -

Is this what you do with your free time, Damon?

BUFFY: ...grow facial hair?  
WILLOW: Badly.

-Hang out here alone in the dark waiting to scare people like a total freak?

XANDER: (as Damon) Um, no, I wait to scare them like a weirdo. Get it straight.

-Damon -

Only when I see two losers standing in front of this old relic trying to summon the dead. Anyhow, I'll see you two in class

tomorrow.

XANDER: Well. That was rather... abrupt.  
WILLOW: ... or something.

-Damon walks down the steps and heads away from them.

Brenda - (calling out)

Unfortunately!

XANDER: Oooo, burn! She's witty.

-Natalie -

See ya.

They begin to walk down the steps.

Brenda -

Jerk.

Brenda looks at Natalie and giggles.

WILLOW: (as Brenda) I'm so cute!  
OTHERS: (look at her)  
WILLOW: Sorry.

-Natalie -

God. You know, he was half way normal before pledge week.

XANDER: Yeah, I've heard that Lemon Pledge can change people.

-EXT. NATALIE'S DORM - LATER

Natalie walks through the arched passageway leading to the door of her dorm. Her footsteps echo in the tiny space.

BUFFY: Well, if she wasn't such a damn clod-hopper...

-INT. NATALIE'S DORM/DORM HALL

Natalie closes the door and turns around, only to bump into

THE JANITOR!

ALL: AHHHHHH!  
WILLOW: Not the JANITOR!  
BUFFY: Yes, the JANITOR!  
XANDER: Egads! It's the JANITOR!  
SPIKE: (shakes his head)

-She gasps. The janitor just looks at her, no expression showing on his face. He just holds his mop.

WILLOW: (as janitor) I love you, mop.

-Natalie -

Sorry.

BUFFY: (as Natalie) ...that your life is so sad that you have only your mop to love.

-She walks past him. He continues to mop as Natalie makes her way through the giant hall to her dorm room.

XANDER: According to this guy, every building in this movie is huge... is he from Liliput?

-CLOSE ON:

Natalie's door.

ALL: Ooo.

-Her hand comes into view holding a key. She puts it in the lock and turns.

BUFFY: (with awe) Such skill.

-There's a SNAP!

ALL: AHH!

-as the door unlocks. She starts to open the door.

INT. NATALIE AND TOSH'S DORM ROOM

CLOSE ON:

The door. Natalie opens it to the sound of rock music. She closes the door and turns on the light.

CLOSE ON:

TOSH, Natalie's Goth roommate, and Tosh's BOYFRIEND, who, at the moment, is on top of her, naked.

ALL: O_O  
SPIKE: Pictures, damn it!  
BUFFY: (chuckles) Of the naked guy?  
SPIKE: (growls at Buffy) I'm debating killing you right now.  
BUFFY: (scoffs) Oh, please.

-Tosh is pissed off by the intrusion.

XANDER: (as Tosh) How dare Natalie come into her own room... rude bitch.

-Tosh -

Shut off the fucking light!

SPIKE: (laughing) It's not the light that's fucking.  
WILLOW: (smacks Spike's arm) ...and we're refraining...?  
SPIKE: ...and no, we're not.  
WILLOW: (pouts)

-CUT TO:

Natalie.

BUFFY: ...stands there watching, wondering why her boyfriend is naked on top of Tosh.  
WILLOW: (sighs) Are we all going to slide down into the murky waters of perversity?  
OTHERS: Yes.  
WILLOW: Just wondered.

-Natalie -

Sorry.

BUFFY: (as Natalie) ...that your life is so sad that you have to have sex to feel loved.

-She flips the switch down. The room goes dark.

WILLOW: (gasps) It's magick!

-INT. NATALIE AND TOSH'S DORM ROOM - LATER

Tosh and her boyfriend are all over each other, moans of pleasure coming from Tosh. We PAN over to Natalie, lying in her bed,

SPIKE: ...fantasizing about Brenda-  
WILLOW: (sternly) No! We're not going there. We're not.  
SPIKE: (raises an eyebrow at her) Why are you such a prude?  
WILLOW: I'm not. Why are you such a pervert?  
SPIKE: (scoffs) The slightest little thing, and your voice gets high, your cheeks turn red, and-  
XANDER: And how are you noticing all this... unless you're watching her, you pervert!  
BUFFY: (sternly) Guys, please. Just let's finish this last paragraph, and then it's time for a break.  
OTHERS: Fine.

-listening to her headphones. But the music does little to block out the sounds of Tosh and her boyfriend. She sighs as the

moaning continues.


	2. Urbans Legends Are Parodies Too (part 2)

**Title:** _Urban Legends Are Parodies Too_ an MST of _Urban Legends_

**Author:** sinecure

**Summary:** An MST-style fic Starring Spike, Willow, Xander, and Buffy. I stuck them in a room, and they can't get out. Wanna know more? Read my first one, _I Know What They Parodied Last Summer_, and it should clear up some of your confusion... but not much.

**Disclaimer:** The movie they're riffing on-_Urban Legends_-and the shows _Buffy the Vampire Slayer_, _Angel_ (in case I mention stuff from there), and _Mystery Science Theater 3000_, don't belong to me. I'm show-less and movie-less, which probably explains why I'm writing fanfics and parodies of fanfics.

**A/N:** I liked this movie to some extent... so, all the riffing and jokes and such are done in good faith. Speaking of Faith, this takes place during season 4, sometime in the middle. After Oz leaves, but before Tara comes in. Anya's in the picture so is Riley. And that's about it, I think. No time specific.

**A/N:** This was transcribed by someone else, I found it and decided to use it for my own devious devices, for I am evil. Anyway, I changed no wording or phrasing, fixed no spelling mistakes, or grammatical errors; they all belong to the transcriber. If he/she doesn't like this being used, let me know and I'll beg you lots to let me use it.

* * *

The four of them jumped to their feet at the same time, Xander and Spike staring each other down, while Buffy pulled them apart. Willow, offended by Spike's criticism, ignored them all and sat in the chair across the room.

"I'm not a prude," she muttered to herself. "I've done things... lots of things." She and Oz had done stuff, mostly just straight forward sex, but other things too. She sighed heavily. Maybe Spike was right. On the other hand, Spike was a vampire, and his standards were different from her human ones.

Right?

Feeling slightly better, she tuned in the argument still going on across the room. Spike was drinking his mug of blood, and rolling his eyes while Xander railed at him. Buffy was leaning back against the door, her head thrown back, staring at the ceiling. She looked like she was bored to death. Spike and Xander, on the other hand, looked about ready to kill each other.

"Shut up, Harris," Spike ground out. "I didn't touch your precious Willow, I have no intentions of touching her, and if I did, you'd have no say in it whatsoever. Mostly because you'd be dead." He grinned, obviously enjoying the thought of Xander being dead.

"Wrong," Willow disagreed, not even realizing she'd said that out loud until Xander and Spike turned toward her. She cleared her throat, suddenly uncomfortable. "Um, Xander would..." realizing how wimpy she sounded, she raised her voice, speaking more firmly, "Xander would have a say in it if you were going to hurt or kill me. In fact, every person in the world would have a right to interfere. I'd even encourage it."

"Look at that, she's got a spine after all," Spike told the room. "But," his eyes fixed on hers, his lips turning up in a sly grin, "we weren't talking about the killing kind of touching." He set his mug down, and dropped into his seat. "Now can we just do this stupid thing?"

Willow stared at the back of Spike's head, then turned her gaze to Xander, who was fuming silently as he sat. Buffy, who'd remained quiet throughout the whole argument, shoved away from the wall, staring at her seat with something akin to dread. Willow knew exactly how she felt, especially now. She really didn't want to sit next to Spike again, but it was the only seat left... so she sat.

* * *

EXT. PENDLETON COLLEGE - MORNING

The sun has just begun to rise as students wake and head for their morning classes. The camera slowly pans over to an old, Victorian style building. It's about five or six stories high, with a tower on one side.

BUFFY: ...its turn-ons include loud, noisy students. And its turn-offs are eggs, toilet paper, and bags of flaming dog poop left on its stoop.

-Professor - (o.c.)

Last week we discussed folklore as a gauge for the values of the

society that created them.

XANDER: (as Wexler) ...this week, I say to hell with class, let's part-ay!

-INT. LECTURE HALL

Professor WILLIAM WEXLER, a nerdish man in his late forties, early fifties, stands in front of a large group of students, discussing urban legends.

CUT TO:

Damon. He sighs, bored with the class.

BUFFY: (overly cheery) Look, guys! Random sentences?  
WILLOW: That's not a random sentence.  
BUFFY: (sighs) I know, but, can't we pretend?  
WILLOW: (shakes her head) Nah, this isn't a good one. But, cheer up, there may be a real random sentence later. You never know.  
BUFFY: (pouts) This script is boring. There are no typos, no run-on sentences, no random sentences, and... it's boring.  
WILLOW: I'm sorry. Next time we'll ask for a bad one?

-CUT TO:

Wexler. He stands on a giant stage, a desk cluttered with papers behind him.

XANDER: ...he's playing the part of Willy Loman, leaving the students to wonder when the urban legend part of the class was going to begin.

-Wexler -

Today, today, we get more specific.

WILLOW: (as Wexler) Tomorrow, tomorrow, we get bland again.

-CUT TO:

Natalie and Brenda, watching Wexler. Parker sits behind them, eating. Damon sits next to Parker.

SPIKE: ...with his hand on Parker's knee. Their love is a secret one.

-CUT BACK TO:

Wexler. He uses a control to activate a slide projector that is

stationed at the very back of the large auditorium. The image of a woman sitting on a couch with a phone in her hand appears on the wall behind Wexler.

XANDER: (as Brenda, gasps) It's magick!

-On closer inspection, we see a man standing on the dark steps, a cell phone in hand. It is a very threatening picture.

BUFFY: I totally feel absolutely threatened by that picture.  
WILLOW: (agreeing) It's a scary one.  
XANDER: (bravely) I'll kick that picture's ass. It doesn't scare me.

-Wexler -

A baby sitter receives menacing phone calls. And upon investigating them, she realizes that they are originating from an upstairs bedroom, the very room where she's left the children under her care to sleep.

BUFFY: She should've left them under the covers in bed, they'd probably be safe there.

-Wexler presses the button and the image changes to a close up of the man.

ALL: AHHHH!

-Wexler -

Now, who's heard this before? Hmm?

XANDER: (as Wexler) Huh? Hmm? Who? Who's heard of this? Huh? You? You? What about you? Have you? Huh? Answer me!

-Most of the students raise their hands.

XANDER: (as Wexler) That's better.

-CUT TO:

Brenda and Natalie.

Brenda -

Well, that really happened to a girl in my hometown.

SPIKE: (as Wexler, condescendingly) Sure it did, dear.

-Wexler - (chuckling)

Oh, yes, I'm sure it did. I'm sure most of you grew up thinking this happened to girls in, in all your hometowns, but it didn't.

Brenda - (to Natalie)

It did.

BUFFY: (as Wexler) It didn't.  
WILLOW: (as Brenda) It did.  
BUFFY: (as Wexler) It didn't.  
WILLOW: (as Brenda) It did.  
BUFFY: (as Wexler) It didn't.  
WILLOW: (as Brenda) It did.  
XANDER: Ack! Stop! We get the idea.

-Wexler - (cont'd)

You see, the baby sitter and the man upstairs is what we call an urban legend.

WILLOW: (as Brenda) Um, Mr. Wexler? I thought the story told about them was the urban legend. They're just people. They can't be urban legends.  
XANDER: (as Wexler) Hey! Who's teaching this class?

-Parker nods his head while Wexler talks.

SPIKE: (as Parker) Yes, Wexler is teaching this class.

-Wexler - (cont'd)

Contemporary folklore passed on as a true story. There are variations of this one going back to the 1960's, all of them containing the same cultural admonition: Young women, mind your children well, or harm will come your way.

WILLOW: (as Brenda) Oh. I thought it meant; don't babysit, it's not worth the hassle.

-Wexler stops, building up the tension. But then, his watch alarm begins beeping musically. He glances at it.

BUFFY: (as Wexler) Oh, hold on. I love this song.

-Wexler - (to class)

Oh. Excuse me.

BUFFY: (as Wexler) I have to listen to my watch playing pretty music. Be right with you.

-It continues to beep and Brenda laughs. Wexler turns to face her. Natalie is trying to control her laughter, but Brenda is laughing hysterically.

Wexler -

Something funny you might care to share with the rest of us?

WILLOW: (as Brenda, giggling) Um, it's funny that you have to take a pill. I laugh at your misfortune.  
SPIKE: Who said he was taking a pill?  
WILLOW: Logic dictates it. Why else would he set an alarm on his watch and need to excuse himself when it went off? He didn't leave the room, all he did was turn his back on the class. (pauses) And I've seen the movie.

-Brenda - (through laughs)

No, I was just saying, like, the cultural admonition is don't babysit?

WILLOW: (as Brenda, giggling) I'm so cute!

-The class laughs at this. Wexler doesn't find it funny at all.

XANDER: (as Wexler) I don't find this funny at all.

-Wexler -

Why don't you, uh, come up here, and uh, volunteer for my little

experiment, hmm?

BUFFY: Wow, that didn't sound sinister at all.

-Damon -

Yeah, that's a great idea.

Brenda hesitates, making Wexler angry.

Wexler -

Now, young lady!

Brenda -

Coming.

WILLOW: (turns to Spike when he remains silent) Nothing?  
SPIKE: (shrugs) Refraining, remember?  
WILLOW: (pleasantly surprised) Right.

-She gets up and starts to walk to the stage. Damon calls after her in a very Austin Powers like voice.

XANDER: (as Austin Powers) Shall we shag now, or shall we shag later?SPIKE: (to Xander) Don't do that again.  
XANDER: (to Willow, quietly) I thought I did a fair impression of him.  
WILLOW: (pats his arm) You always do.

-Damon -

Yeah, baby, yeah.

Wexler -

Don't worry, you'll probably survive.

When Brenda gets up on the stage, Wexler tosses her a bag of candy.

Wexler -

Had those before?

BUFFY: (as Brenda) No, I live in a cave, under a mountain. What is this 'candy' you speak of?

-Brenda -

Yeah, they're Pop Rocks. They crackle in your mouth.

Wexler -

Eat some.

Brenda -

Okay.

Brenda opens the bag and pours some of the Pop Rocks in her mouth.

XANDER: SNAP!  
WILLOW: CRACKLE!  
BUFFY: POP!

-CUT TO:

Natalie, watching intently.

SPIKE: (as Natalie) This is so cool, Brenda's gonna die, how fun!

-CUT BACK TO:

Brenda and Wexler. Brenda is chewing on the candy, which makes a

crackling sound.

XANDER: SNAP!  
WILLOW: CRACKLE!  
BUFFY: POP!  
SPIKE: Okay, you really need to stop that.

-Wexler picks a coke off his desk and opens it.

BUFFY: (as Wexler) Mmm, fresh Coke, straight off the vine.

-He holds it out to her.

Wexler -

Thirsty?

Brenda shakes her head and backs away, frightened.

Wexler -

What's wrong? Something you might have heard about mixing Pop Rocks and soda?

CUT TO:

Natalie, grinning. She's heard this story before.

BUFFY: (excited) Random spaces! Look, Willow, random spaces!  
WILLOW: No, Buffy.  
BUFFY: But...  
WILLOW: (shakes her head firmly) No, Buffy.  
BUFFY: (pouts) Ruin my fun.

-CUT BACK TO:

Brenda and Wexler.

Brenda -

Well, supposedly, your stomach and intestines, everything bursts.

XANDER: (as Brenda) Plus, they're really sour.  
WILLOW: (sings) Hey, what are you lookin' at? She was a sour girl the day that she left me.  
XANDER: (sings) She was a sour girl the day that she met me.  
BUFFY: I love that song!  
SPIKE: What song?  
WILLOW: Sour Girl, by Stone Temple Pilots.  
BUFFY: The girl in the video has really pretty hair.  
OTHERS: ...

-Wexler -

Really? Anyone you know die this way?

Brenda nods.

BUFFY: Natalie nags.  
WILLOW: (giving in) Sasha sighs.  
XANDER: Paul pirouettes.  
SPIKE: Parker poses.  
BUFFY: (claps) Yay.

-Brenda -

Mikey. From the cereal commercial. "Give it to Mikey. He'll eat

anything."

SPIKE: (snorts) Again with the Mikey thing.

-Wexler -

Oh.

ALL: (as Wexler) Ohhhhhh!

-He picks up the control and hits a button. The picture changes to show a young boy eating cereal.

Wexler -

You mean him?

CUT TO:

Parker.

Parker - (mockingly)

Mikey likes it.

The class laughs.

XANDER: (hesitantly) Hehe... it's funny.  
WILLOW: No, it's not.  
XANDER: (relieved) Oh, thank God.

-CUT BACK TO:

Brenda and Wexler. He gives Parker a disgusted look.

Brenda -

Yeah.

SPIKE: Yeah? Is she agreeing with Wexler's disgusted look?  
OTHERS: Yeah.  
SPIKE: ...okay.

-He hits a button and the picture changes to an adult man grinning.

SPIKE: He's my new favorite character in the movie.  
WILLOW: But, he's not even in the movie.  
SPIKE: Even better.

-Wexler -

What if I told you that this is Mikey, alive and well, and working as an ad executive in New York City? Would you drink some then?

ALL: No.

-Brenda looks at the picture, then at Wexler, not knowing if she should do it.

WILLOW: (as Brenda) I don't know if I should do it.

-She doesn't want her insides to burst.

WILLOW: I don't want my insides to burst.  
XANDER: Oh, why not? You big baby.

-Brenda sighs. From way in the back, Damon stands up and raises his hand.

Damon -

I'll do it.

Parker points at Damon as he makes his way up to the stage. Parker leans forward while Natalie's jaw drops, amazed.

BUFFY: Her jaw is amazed?  
XANDER: I think Natalie's amazed.  
BUFFY: Oh... why?  
OTHERS: (shrug)

-Damon walks up to the stage and grabs a bag of Pop Rocks from off the desk. He opens it and pours some into his mouth.

Damon -

Oh, yeah.

SPIKE: (as Damon) That hits the spot. (as himself) He needed his Pop Rocks fix.

-Wexler hands him the coke.

SPIKE: (as Damon) Nah, I don't do coke.

-Wexler -

Your soda.

SPIKE: (as Damon) Don't do soda either. Just Pop Rocks.

-Damon holds the soda up for the class to see, then drinks it. Nothing happens.

Wexler -

Voila. Still alive.

BUFFY: (as Brenda) Damn!

-CUT TO:

Parker and Natalie. They smile, relieved.

WILLOW: (as Natalie) Yay. I'm relieved.  
XANDER: (as Parker) Me too.

-CUT BACK TO:

Wexler, Brenda, and Damon.

XANDER: ...start to slow dance, and make googly eyes at each other.

-Wexler -

As I said, this story is nothing but an urban legend.

Damon looks like he's about to throw up.

BUFFY: (as Damon) Oh, no I'm not gonna throw up, I just took too close a look at Brenda's face. I'm good now.

-He puts his arm on Wexler's shoulder for support. Spit begins to come out of his mouth.

XANDER: (as Damon) Oops, little verp there, sorry.  
OTHERS: Eww.

-CUT TO:

Natalie and Parker. They're relived faces

WILLOW: Really? They are relieved faces? Not their relieved faces? Really?  
SPIKE: That whole mental rewriting thing went out the window with the first script, didn't it?  
WILLOW: Oh, it's still there... but the force isn't as strong, Luke.  
SPIKE: ... uh-huh.

-turn to horror as they watch Damon suffer.

BUFFY: (as Natalie) As much fun as this is... shouldn't we get help or something?  
WILLOW: (as Parker) Hell no. I never liked that scene-stealing punk anyway.

-CUT TO:

The stage. Damon begins to fall to the ground, still clutching Wexler's shoulder. Brenda is starting to freak out.

Wexler - (exasperated)

Brooks.

XANDER: Wexler is a bit Giles-ish.  
BUFFY: I was thinking the same thing.

Damon falls down, and begins to roll down the steps.

XANDER: (as Damon) Wheeeeeee!

-Brenda screams and some students stand up to get a better view.

WILLOW: (as student) Wow, check out the dying kid, this is so cool!  
BUFFY: (as other student) Move over, I can't see! Ow! You're on my foot, scoot over!  
XANDER: (as yet another student) Neat! I never would've seen this at my other school. Glad I transferred here.

-Brenda -

Professor!

SPIKE: (as Brenda) Professor! They're obstructing my view, make them stop!

-Wexler just walks over to his desk and watches.

Damon lays on the ground, clutching his stomach. Moans of pain escape his lips.

Parker -

He's gonna explode!

WILLOW (as student) All right! I've never seen anyone explode before. This school rocks!

Brenda SCREAMS!

SPIKE: What else is new?

-Parker -

Someone call 9-1-1!

BUFFY: (as student) But... I'll miss the explosion.

-He turns to another STUDENT.

Parker - (cont'd)

Go!

XANDER: (as other student) No way, man, you go. I'm staying to watch.

-The student turns and runs.

WILLOW: ...smack dab into a wall. He falls to the floor, unconscious, then proceeds to roll down the aisle, smacking his head on every row of chairs. He comes to land at Brenda's feet.  
SPIKE: Brenda screams.  
XANDER: (to Spike) No, no. Brenda SCREAMS.  
WILLOW: and... scene!

-More colored spit and vomit pour from Damon's mouth.

BUFFY: Could this _be_ more disgusting?  
SPIKE: He could've crapped his pants too.  
BUFFY: And there's my answer.

-Students begin to stand up, afraid. Natalie has an expression of pure terror on her face. Then, all of a sudden, Damon stops. He doesn't move. His eyes close. All the students expect to see him explode, but then...

SPIKE: ...he implodes instead.

-His eyes open and he grins. Damon looks at Brenda and chuckles.

Damon -

Ahh.

XANDER: (as Damon) ... sorry 'bout that. Pop Rocks make me do crrrrrrazy thing... must be the sugar.

-Brenda throws the bag of Pop Rocks at Damon.

BUFFY: ...impaling him in the eye. The students laugh. A fun time was had by all.

-Natalie sighs and Parker throws

WILLOW: ...up on her. (as Parker) God, Natalie, you're breath is making me sick, they're called tic-tacs, use 'em.

-his hands up, grinning.

Wexler -

Thank you for your help, Mr. Brooks.

BUFFY: (as Wexler) Thanks for scaring my students, and for spitting on me... and pretending to be about to explode. It was fun. Oh, and thank you for the almost throwing up part too.  
XANDER: (as Damon) It was nothing.

-Parker -

Brilliant. He's brilliant.

WILLOW: Well, sure, if you define brilliance by the ability to spit and play dead.  
BUFFY: I hear that's what colleges are looking for these days.

-EXT. COLLEGE CAMPUS - LATER - AFTERNOON

Brenda and Natalie are walking,

SPIKE: ...around in circles because they can't remember how to get home.

-Brenda holding a bottle of water.

WILLOW: (as Brenda) At least we've got water. Natalie. If we don't make it home, I just wanted you to know that... well, your hair is really, really ugly. Hug!

-Brenda -

Oh, he is such a moron.

Natalie -

Yeah, but who fell for it?

SPIKE: (as Brenda) Everyone but Wexler... what's your point?  
XANDER: (as Natalie) No point. I was just curious, 'cause I fainted from fear.

-Brenda laughs at her own stupidity.

BUFFY: (as Brenda, laughing) Haha, it's funny how I was made a fool of. Let's do it again!

-Up ahead, REESE, the African American campus cop,

WILLOW: ...whose turn-ons include guns, and violence, and turn-offs include law-abiding citizens, and innocent people...

-is grabbing newspapers from all the students.

WILLOW: (as Reese) Give me those! Whoever put these nude pictures of me in here is gonna pay!

-DEAN ADAMS looks on.

XANDER: (as Dean Adams) Tee hee, she'll never figure out I it was me.

-Dean Adams is in his fifties with a very sour look and cold demeanor.

Brenda -

Hey, what's going on?

Reese grabs a newspaper from a student.

WILLOW: ...and rolls it up, beating the poor kid about the face and shoulders. (As Reese) Bad, student! Bad, bad, student!

-Reese -

Excuse me, young man. Can't read these.

XANDER: (as student) Um, yes I can, 'cause, I learned how to read a few years ago.

-Female Student -

She had just left campus.

ALL: Who?

-Male Student -

A sophomore.

BUFFY: A name would help. Maybe one of them extra special descriptions?

-Natalie goes over to a stand and grabs a newspaper.

XANDER: (as Natalie) Mine!

-She unfolds it.

CLOSE ON:

The front page. It has a picture of Michelle Mancini and the words "Lunatic on Campus?"

BUFFY: Didn't that girl just say Michelle was off campus? And, hello, we were there for the murder, she was definitely off campus, so why does the paper have a bogus headline like that? And please, like it has anything to do with the college. Who came up with that crap story?  
OTHERS: Paul.  
BUFFY: Oh... now I see why he _almost_ won the student Pulitzer. If only the E-Coli crisis had actually happened.

-NORMAL VIEW

Brenda -

She went to Pendleton? I knew I should've gone to N.Y.U.

SPIKE: (as Brenda) ...but this college had that extra special allure of rumored mass murder.

-Paul comes up behind them.

Paul -

Tragic, huh?

They turn and Brenda immediately brightens up.

Brenda -

Hi, Paul.

WILLOW: (as Brenda) Cool murder thing, huh? Wanna go to the funeral with me?

-Paul -

Hi.

Natalie -

Is this true?

XANDER: (as Paul) No, I made it all up to piss Reese off. Funny, huh?

-Paul -

I certainly hope so. Otherwise I'm gonna have one hell of a retraction on my hands.

His gaze wanders over to where Dean Adams and Reese are collecting all the newspapers.

Paul -

Hey!

BUFFY: (as Paul) ...those are _my_ lies. Give me back my lies!

-He rushes over to them.

Paul -

What do you think you're doing? You can't come and take every copy here.

Dean Adams -

You're the one who wrote this inflammatory piece of rubbish.

Paul -

Actually, the factious quotes about being deeply shocked and heartsick, are yours, Dean Adams.

XANDER: (as Paul) ...it's just the rest of the story that's rubbish, and lies.  
BUFFY: (as Dean Adams) Yeah, well... I've changed my mind. I want my quote back.

-Dean Adams -

Let me tell you something, young man.

WILLOW: (as Paul) Yes?  
XANDER: (as Adams) Oh, that's all I've got... I just like to sound important. How'd I do?  
WILLOW: (as Paul) Good... really. Very good. All sorts of neat and stuff.

-The only lunatic on this campus is you.

Paul -

I'm flat

BUFFY: Xander... give him back the rest of his word.  
XANDER: No.  
WILLOW: Xander.  
XANDER: He annoys me.  
SPIKE: Harris.  
XANDER: Fine. Party poopers.

-tered.

XANDER: (snickers)

-He holds up a recorder.

Paul - (cont'd)

Can I quote you on that?

BUFFY: (as Adams) Well, okay, but you've gotta get the quote right, and the syntax, otherwise it loses all its punch. And I've got this high, squeaky voice, could you make me sound deeper? Or cooler, you know? 'Cause, then maybe I'd get some respect, and-  
SPIKE: (as Paul) Changed my mind. Don't need the quote after all.

-Dean Adams simply walks away.

SPIKE: (as Paul) Sore loser when he doesn't get his way.

-Reese steps toward Paul.

WILLOW: (as Reese) Hi, I'm Reese, the campus cop... aren't you a fine hunk of man? Ever thought about dating an older woman? I could rock your world!  
XANDER: (as Paul) ...AHHHHHHH!

-Reese -

I have a quote for you. U.S. News and World Report named Pendleton the safest university in this country. You best believe that I intend to keep it that way.

BUFFY: Ah, isn't that cute? She's being all protect-y and stuff.

-Reese follows Dean Adams.

WILLOW: Like a lost little puppy.  
XANDER: (as Reese) Woof.

-Paul -

Thank you, Reese. I'll be sure to stick that in the special school safety edition!

XANDER: Was that sarcasm or something?  
OTHERS: (shrug)

-Natalie and Brenda start to walk away.

Natalie -

Let's get out of here.

BUFFY: (as Natalie) ...before they realize we're still in the shot... shh!

-Paul stops them.

BUFFY: (as Natalie) We weren't in the shot! We weren't! Were we, Brenda?  
WILLOW: (as Brenda) Uh-huh! Hi, Paul! Let's go out tonight, talk about how sad I am about the murder. See my pout-y face and glittery eyes? I could cry if you wanted me to. I was totally friends with Michael-  
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Michelle.  
WILLOW: (as Brenda) Whatever. So, Paul, is it true what they say about journalists? That they have big-  
XANDER: Hey! No. Stop it right now! No icky talk from you gals.  
WILLOW: (rolls her eyes) I was going to say 'egos'.

-Paul -

Hold on a second. How about some interviews? You know, "students react to the tragedy on campus?"

Brenda - (more than willing)

Okay. I am saddened and moved by the sudden-

SPIKE: Guess you had her pegged, Witch.  
WILLOW: (grins) It's a gift.

-Natalie - (interrupting)

This was someone's life. Did you even spend one minute thinking about that?

XANDER: (as Paul) Um... nope. Not really. No. Unh-uh.

Paul -

No, I didn't. But because of my story, 3,500 students will. I think that's enough to help me sleep at night.

Natalie -

Come on, let's go.

SPIKE: (as Paul) Well, okay. Your place, or mine?

-She grabs Brenda's arm and starts to lead her away.

SPIKE: (as Paul) Hey, wait! I thought you wanted me!  
WILLOW: (as Natalie) I changed my mind... I want Brenda instead.

-Brenda -

Natalie, what-

WILLOW: (as Natalie) Shut up, Brenda. You have no say in this. Let's just go have sex.

-Natalie throws the paper in the trash can.

SPIKE: (as Paul, sighs) She wants me. They all do. As soon as she's done doin' the chick, she'll come crawlin' back to ole Paul. Yep. Any time now.  
XANDER: Paul's quite the delusional newsie.

-Newscaster - (voice-over)

The decapitated body of 20 year old..

BUFFY: (as student) Ahh! Where's that voice coming from? Run!  
WILLOW: (as other student) Ahh! I hear voices! Ahh!  
XANDER: (as another student) Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

-INT. STUDENT UNION - LATER

CLOSE ON:

A T.V.

SPIKE: No.

-A NEWSCASTER stands in front of the gas station where Michelle Mancini was killed.

BUFFY: She wasn't killed in the gas station. Or in front of it. Or even near it. She was driving, vroom-vroom? Remember?

-Newscaster - (cont'd)

Pendleton student Michelle Mancini was found in her car. Police suspect the assailant was probably hiding in the backseat.

CUT TO:

Parker and Sasha, sitting next to each other, listening.

XANDER: (as Parker) Sasha... did you hear that?  
BUFFY: (as Sasha) Shh, I'm listening.

-CLOSE ON:

The T.V.

SPIKE: No.

-Newscaster -

In the meanwhile, the search continues for Michael

WILLOW: (as Brenda) Poor Michael, being all dead and stuff... hey, Paul, wanna go to my place?  
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Michelle. Her name was Michelle. Argh! I hate you, Brenda!

-McDonnell, the proprietor of the gas station where she was last seen.

CUT TO:

Natalie, watching with interest.

CLOSE ON:

The T.V.

SPIKE: No.  
XANDER: Ack! Rapid scene changes! Stop it. Stop it. Stop it.

-Newscaster - (cont'd)

Police are asking anyone with any information to his whereabouts, to contact them immediately.

WILLOW: (as Brenda) He's in the morgue. Duh. He was killed... remember? Hi, Paul!  
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Die, Brenda! Die!

-CUT TO:

Damon. He takes a sip of his coffee.

XANDER: Holy crap! Did you guys see that? Damon is freakin' talented! A round of applause for Damon, ladies and gentlemen.

-CLOSE ON:

The T.V.

SPIKE: No.  
OTHERS: Enough!

-Newscaster - (cont'd)

This is David McAree, reporting live.

BUFFY: (as newscaster) I don't really have anything to report... I just wanted to say that.

-CUT TO:

Parker, Damon, Brenda, Natalie, and Sasha.

XANDER: Ack! People overload.  
WILLOW: (as Brenda) Where's Paul? I was planning on being loud and obvious so he'd notice me.  
SPIKE: (as Damon) He took off before you got here muttering something about annoying females, and Noxema.  
OTHERS: (laugh)

-Parker -

How horrible. +

XANDER: Plus what?  
BUFFY: I think it's, like, emphasis?  
SPIKE: (mocking Buffy) Or, like, a mistake?

-Sasha -

Someone told me she was listening to my show when it happened. My voice was probably the last thing she heard. Can you imagine?

BUFFY: (as Natalie) Aw, the poor thing, having to listen to your grating, annoying voice as she died... how sad.  
WILLOW: Who was this person who knows what Michelle was listening to when she died? And, hello, she was listening to a Bonnie Tyler tape, not the radio. Get your facts straight.

-Brenda leans forward, scared.

Brenda -

You guys, what if there is a lunatic on campus?

XANDER: (as Parker) Whooo! Paaaar-taaaaaay! Let's commemorate her death with an orgy! Alright! Yeah!

-Damon -

It's fine with me, I'm hitting the half-pipe at Killington this

weekend.

BUFFY: (as Damon) Yeah, I really don't care if you all get killed. Never liked you much anyway. So, who wants to sleep with me tonight? Show of hands.

-Brenda -

Did anybody know her? She roomed in Daly.

Parker -

No.

Sasha -

No.

WILLOW: No.  
XANDER: No.  
SPIKE: No.  
BUFFY: No.

-Brenda looks over at Natalie. She's far off, distant.

WILLOW: (as Brenda) You're so distant these days, Natalie... you don't love me anymore, do you?  
XANDER: (as Natalie) I never did, Brenda, you just thought I did-  
WILLOW: (as Brenda) Ooo! Paul! Hi! Tragic news brings people together... we should cuddle.

-Brenda -

Hello? Space cadet?

She snaps her fingers in front of Natalie's face. Natalie comes out of it.

BUFFY: ...and slaps Brenda a few times, then punches her in the stomach. (as Natalie) Sorry, I was daydreaming. What'd you say?  
WILLOW: ( as Brenda) Nothin'... um, I need to go spit out this mouthful of blood... and then puke. Be right back.

-Natalie -

Oh, no. I didn't know her.

WILLOW: (as Brenda) She didn't know her, guys. Hey, guys! Natalie didn't know Michael!  
SPIKE: (as Damon) We're right here, we heard her answer, you stupid bimbo.  
WILLOW: (as Brenda) I know, but here comes Paul. I thought he might find me more interesting if I-  
SPIKE: (as Damon) Screech like a banshee?

-Brenda nods.

SPIKE: (as Damon) Oh, look, it worked. He noticed you. See the way he's hightailing it out of here?

-Damon -

Actually, I did know her.

Sasha -

You did?

Damon -

Yeah. And I'll miss her too, cause she gave great head.

SPIKE/XANDER: (burst out laughing)  
WILLOW/BUFFY: (try not to laugh)  
BUFFY: (chuckling) That was horrible!  
WILLOW: (giggles) Yep.  
BUFFY: But funny.  
WILLOW: Yep. (laughs)

-Sasha and Parker burst out laughing.

Damon -

You get it? She gave great head?

SPIKE: Well, because we're not idiots... yes, we did get it.

-Parker -

That's good.

Brenda rolls her eyes.

EXT. DORM - EVENING

The sun is starting to set.

XANDER: All right... who pressed the Reset button?

-INT. NATALIE AND TOSH'S DORM ROOM

Tosh is on the Internet, listening to some music and smoking a

cigarette.

SPIKE: ...doin' a little coke, drinkin' a little Jack, and checking out the porn sites.

-The door opens and Natalie walks in.

SPIKE: (as Tosh) Hey, Natalie, the chick on this porn site looks a lot like you.  
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Um, I was young, I needed the money, and- oh, who am I kidding? I have an awesome body and I felt the need to share my gloriousness with the world.

-She closes the door. Tosh looks at her then back at the computer. She rolls her eyes.

WILLOW: (as Tosh, scoffs) You close a door like an idiot.

-Natalie -

Hey, Tosh. Sorry about last night.

XANDER: (as Natalie) I'm sorry I came into my own room and expected not to get yelled at, and not having to put up with listening to you and your boyfriend go at it all night.  
BUFFY: (as Tosh) Well, you should be sorry. Stupid nerd.

-Tosh -

Yeah? Don't let it happen again.

Natalie bends down, and sees a bottle of pills on the floor.

SPIKE: What, does she just randomly bend down when she walks into a room?  
BUFFY: Sure.

-She bends down and picks it up.

WILLOW: Mine!  
SPIKE: Thought she was already bent down.

-CLOSE ON:

The bottle. The word "Lithium" is on it in big, bold letters.

SPIKE: (as Natalie) Cool, drugs.

-NORMAL VIEW

Natalie walks over to Tosh and hands her the bottle.

Natalie -

Here. You dropped these.

Tosh takes the pills, and sets them down. Natalie walks over to the phone and picks it up. She gets the busy signal.

BUFFY: Oh, no! Not... 'the busy signal'! Say it isn't so.

-Natalie -

Uh, Tosh, excuse me?

Tosh smiles, and presses a few buttons on the keyboard. She turns the music off. She stands up, furious.

WILLOW: Yes, I can see how furious she is by that smile on her face.  
SPIKE: Maybe it's a furious smile.  
WILLOW: Maybe the writer should've said that.

-Tosh -

It's my phone line too.

XANDER: (as Tosh) So there!

-Tosh storms out of the room, slamming the door shut.

Natalie sets the phone down on the hook. She presses a few numbers and the answering machine comes on.

BUFFY: Wait, wait. She needed the phone free to listen to her messages? Is that really necessary?  
WILLOW: No. Not at all. She's just rude.

-Brenda - (voice-over)

Hey, it's Brenda. You seemed kinda weird this afternoon. You okay, hon? Call me.

WILLOW: (as Brenda) Oh! Paul just walked in, gotta go. On second thought, don't call me. Paul and I just might be... busy.

-Natalie walks over to the closet and takes off her jacket. The machine beeps.

Mom -

Natalie, it's Mom.

XANDER: How long has Natalie been gone that she wouldn't recognize her mother's voice anymore?

-Sweetie, I'm just calling to make sure you're okay. Isn't it horrible about Michelle?

BUFFY: (as Natalie) It's Michael! How many times do I- oh. Hehe. Nevermind.

-Please call. Okay? Love you.

Natalie grins and reaches up to a shelf in the closet.

SPIKE: (as Natalie) Aha, my butcher knife. Think I'll pay Brenda a little visit.

-Stuck between two boxes is a year book. Natalie grabs it and pulls it out. The answering machine beeps a few times.

Natalie walks over to her bed and sits down. She opens the year book and starts flipping through the pages. She stops when she comes to a picture of the Spirit Squad. We see Natalie standing next to another girl. On closer inspection, we see that it is Michelle Mancini.

Natalie looks over at the other page. There's a closeup of Natalie and Michelle. Under the picture are the words: Team Captains: Michelle Mancini and Natalie Simon. Natalie is quiet, remembering the yells they used to do. The voices of the Spirit Squad can be heard shouting. This is very hard for Natalie.

ALL: (yawn)  
BUFFY: Enough backstory.

-Suddenly, there's a knock at the door and Damon enters.

ALL: Yay!  
WILLOW: Stuff's gonna happen.

-Damon -

Hey. I was in the neighborhood, thought I would drop by, see if you want to come to the house. Parker said he's gonna pierce Hootie's nose.

BUFFY: (as Natalie) Do you believe everything Parker says?  
XANDER: (as Natalie) As long as the Blowfish don't mind, I'm there.

-Natalie is still very quiet. When she speaks, it has a sad tone.

Natalie -

Hootie's a dog.

WILLOW: (as Natalie) I wish Hootie was human, 'cause then I could date him, but he's not, so... ho-hum.

-Damon -

That's no reason why he can't be hip.

XANDER: Yes, it is.

-Natalie -

No, that's okay, Damon.

Damon -

What's up, Natalie? You all right?

SPIKE: (as Natalie) No. My dog just died. And you just taunted me with Hootie. Bastard.

-Natalie -

Yeah, I'm fine.

Damon -

Look,

XANDER: (as Natalie) Where?

-we don't have to go hang out with a bunch of drunken frat boys. We can go some place and talk.

BUFFY: (as Natalie) Nah, I like hanging out with drunken frat boys. How else am I gonna get a date?  
XANDER: (as Damon) Hey, what about me?  
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Oh, silly! You're not drunk, and you've got badly grown facial hair.

-Natalie doesn't know if she wants to.

WILLOW: (as Natalie) I don't know if I want to.

-Natalie -

Mmmm.

BUFFY: Mmmm, what?

-Damon -

I really don't want this to get out around campus, but I can actually be a good listener once in a while.

Natalie smiles.

WILLOW: ...then proceeds to call everyone she knows and tell them that Damon's just a big ole sissy.

-Damon kinda nods his head and smiles.

BUFFY: (as Damon, to himself) Just nod, smile, and slowly back away.

-Damon -

Okay?

Natalie -

Okay.

WILLOW: Aww, their first date, and we get to go with them.  
SPIKE: ...yeah.  
XANDER: ...yeah.  
BUFFY: ...yeah.  
WILLOW: (shudders, whispers) I'm scared.

-EXT. DORM - NIGHT

Damon jogs around his car to the drivers side.

BUFFY: (as Damon) Feel the burn! Feel the burn! Whoo! Since gettin' that Sweating' to the Oldies tape, I can almost run around a car without getting winded.  
XANDER: (as Natalie) Wow, I am impressed!

-He opens the door and climbs inside.

BUFFY: (as Damon) Okay... (gasp) that actually... (gasp) did me in.  
XANDER: (as Natalie) Not so impressed anymore.

-INT. DAMON'S CAR

Damon turns to face Natalie.

Damon -

Want something to warm you up?

SPIKE: (as Damon) I've got a little something here in my pants that should do the trick.  
WILLOW: (to Spike) Do you even try to censor yourself?  
SPIKE: (grins) Nope. (narrows his eyes at her) And you can stop pouting right now, it isn't helping your case in the least.  
WILLOW: (shrugs) It was worth a try. How about if I hit you? Would that help? 'Cause I could, you know.  
SPIKE: (chuckles) It'd probably give me something to laugh at.  
WILLOW: (nods, and punches him in the arm)SPIKE: (glares at her) Do you mind?  
WILLOW: (grins) You looked like you could use some cheering up.  
XANDER/BUFFY: (snicker)

-Natalie -

Sure.

Damon grabs a coke and opens it. He hands it to Natalie.

SPIKE: (sarcastically) Oh, that was much better than my suggestion.

-Natalie -

Thanks.

Damon turns the key, and the car sputters. Damon turns to Natalie, embarrassed.

BUFFY: (as Natalie) It's okay, Damon, it happens to all men.  
WILLOW: (whispers) And vampires-  
SPIKE: Hey! Not the same thing. (points to his head) Government chip. Not the same thing at all.  
XANDER: Why so defensive there, Spike? (snickers)  
SPIKE: I hate you all.

-Damon -

It's a slight process.

He turns the key again. The car continues to sputter. Damon chuckles weakly. He hits the dashboard, and the car starts.

XANDER: So... are they in a car, or a pop machine?  
BUFFY: Well, he did pull a Coke out from... somewhere.  
XANDER: This is true.

-The song from "Dawson's Creek" begins playing over the radio.

ALL: (cover their ears)

-Song -

I don't wanna wait-

WILLOW: And the in-jokes abound.  
XANDER: Eh?  
WILLOW: Damon? He's one of the kids from Dawson's Creek.  
OTHERS: (stare at the script in horror)  
WILLOW: (laugh) Don't you guys watch commercials? How could you not know that? Spike, you knew Brandy was in the last movie we read, but not this?  
SPIKE: (surprised) She was?  
WILLOW: (rolls her eyes) Funny.  
BUFFY: Knowing about Brandy is one thing, knowing about Dawson's Creek actors is something else entirely.  
WILLOW: Granted.  
SPIKE: Really? She was?  
OTHERS: (roll their eyes)

-Damon -

Oh God.

XANDER: (as Damon) ...I just realized that... in this light, with the moonlight filtering through the trees... you're freakin' ugly! Get out! Get out! You're scaring me, man.

-He quickly turns the radio off. Natalie smiles.

BUFFY: ...then jumps out of the car, tucking and rolling. Springing to her feet, she takes off running toward the dorms, thanking God for her luck in escaping the Dawson's Creek kid.

-EXT. DORM

The car takes off, still sputtering.

XANDER: (as car) But- but- I didn't- I couldn't- what? Huh?  
OTHERS: O_O  
WILLOW: Sputtering car?  
XANDER: (grins, extremely proud of himself) Uh-huh!

-EXT. WOODS/CLEARING - LATER - NIGHT

Damon's car is parked in the middle of a clearing.

WILLOW: (as Natalie) Come on, Damon, this is the best thing to do.  
BUFFY: (as Damon) Are you sure?  
WILLOW: (as Natalie) Absolutely. Setting the car free is best for you, and it. It needs to be out in the wild, free to run around and be among others of its kind.  
BUFFY: (chuckles)

-Damon - (o.s)

So you and Michelle were friends then?

XANDER: (as Natalie) Not really. We knew each other since we were two, and lived next door our whole lives... spent every waking moment together, and some not waking moments, but no, I wouldn't say we were friends.

-Natalie - (o.s.)

Yeah.

Damon - (o.s.)

What happened?

WILLOW: (as Natalie) Well, we met, and became friends. Duh.

Natalie - (o.s.)

I'd really rather not talk about her anymore.

BUFFY: (as Natalie) It's totally a touchy subject.  
WILLOW: Totally?  
BUFFY: Totally.

-INT. CAR - NIGHT

SPIKE: Oh, look we finally get to go _in_ the car with them.

-Damon -

That's completely understandable. If you don't want to open up, that's fine.

A moment of silence.

XANDER: (as Damon) Well? I'm waiting. Are you gonna open up, or not? I don't have all night. Slow-ass woman.

-Damon -

But I want you to know that I know what exactly you're going through.

BUFFY: He knows what exactly she's... that's quite the awkward sentence structure there.  
WILLOW: (nods) It really is.

-Natalie -

You do?

SPIKE: (as Damon) Nah! I was just foolin' with you.

-Damon -

Sure. I lost somebody close to me. Uh-

BUFFY: (as Damon) Uh... who was it again... um, oh, yeah, now I remember. It was- no, that was in a book I read. Well, wait, I don't read, so it had to be in a movie. Anyway, I know exactly what you're going through... where was I?  
SPIKE: (as Natalie) You lost somebody close to you...  
BUFFY: (as Damon) Right, right, right. I lost... um, a cat. No, no. A dog. Yeah, I'm sticking with dog.

-This is hard for Damon. He's never opened up to anybody before.

SPIKE: Let me help. I can rip you open, and then you won't have to worry about it.  
XANDER: Sorry, Spike, you'd only end up hurting yourself... though we appreciate the offer. We really do.  
WILLOW: Yup.  
BUFFY: Absolutely.  
SPIKE: I'd deal with the pain, just let me rip him a little.  
BUFFY: Well, you could, but- there's that whole thing where he's not real. That could hinder.  
SPIKE: (opens his mouth to say something)  
WILLOW: And no, you can not go kill the actor.  
SPIKE: (looks suspiciously pouty)

-Damon - (cont'd)

My girlfriend. She's uh- Well, she's dead. And, uh...

XANDER: (as Damon) ...and it was horrible... so wanna have sex now?

-Natalie - (sympathetic)

Oh, I'm so

BUFFY: (as Natalie) ...pretty, oh so pretty... I'm so pretty, and- oh, sorry, what were you saying, Damon?

-sorry.

BUFFY: (as Natalie) ... I'm so sorry, Damon, you're really icky with that badly grown facial hair, and the bleach blonde hair thing going on... _so_ not a turn-on. Besides, I'm beautiful, and you're... well, not. And I'm Natalie... the star of this movie, you're just a Star Trek redshirt. Buh-bye!

-Damon -

No, it's okay. She was sick for a while. She had a, a syndrome.

XANDER: (laughs) A syndrome. Gotcha.

-And after that, I was afraid to get close to anybody for a long time.

WILLOW: (as Damon) Yeah, I was afraid they'd have syndromes too.  
SPIKE: (as Natalie) What kind of syndrome did she have?  
WILLOW: (as Damon) Oh, you know... just, the killing kind that she had. That killed her.

-Natalie nods.

BUFFY: Damon dodges.  
WILLOW: Parker pouts.  
XANDER: Sasha sashays.  
SPIKE: Paul pirouettes.  
BUFFY: Brenda bops.  
WILLOW: Michelle macarenas.  
XANDER: (chuckles) Not anymore.

-Damon - (cont'd)

But then it hit me.

SPIKE: (as Damon) ...like a ton of bricks.  
XANDER: (as Natalie) What did?  
SPIKE: (as Damon) A ton of bricks. Weren't you listening?

-Why am I being so selfish?

BUFFY: (as Natalie) 'Cause you are.  
WILLOW: (as Damon) Oh, yeah. I forgot.

-Natalie shrugs.

SPIKE: (shrugs)  
XANDER: (shrugs)  
WILLOW: (shrugs)  
BUFFY: (shrugs)

-Damon - (cont'd)

I still have so much love left inside of me to give.

SPIKE: (as Damon) ...and it's just... bursting at the seams, trying to get out, and... well, here, have a feel. No, not my chest, my pants.

-Natalie -

You do?

Damon -

Yeah, and Natalie, you're in need of loving.

BUFFY: This guy's a piece of work.

-Natalie -

I am?

BUFFY: (to Natalie) No, Damon is. Are you a guy? One would hope not.

-Damon -

Yeah! You're lonely, you're repressed, aching to break loose! Those are the types of problems only a man can fix.

WILLOW: (as Natalie) Actually, women can fix them too... and Brenda did, so, I don't need you anymore.

-Natalie -

And I suppose you're that man.

WILLOW: What man?  
SPIKE: The man with the power.  
WILLOW: What power?  
BUFFY: Oh, no you don't!  
XANDER: Stop right there!  
BUFFY: No more men with power-  
XANDER: And voodoo whodo-  
BUFFY: Just stop.  
SPIKE/WILLOW: (snicker)

-Damon -

Well, you know it.

He chuckles. He leans toward Natalie, about to kiss her. Natalie pushes him away.

BUFFY: Ugh, this guy is a lot like Now-a-fish Boy.  
XANDER: (chuckles) Think she'll break his nose too?  
BUFFY: Hey, I didn't break his nose. Just... hurt it a lot.  
WILLOW: Not like he didn't deserve it. (to Spike, seeing he's lost) See, back in high school, there was a swim team that was-  
SPIKE: Oddly enough, I don't give a damn.  
WILLOW: Fine. I just thought you might feel left out.  
XANDER: And you're so concerned about how he feels... why?  
WILLOW: Because I'm a human being.

-Natalie -

Nice try, Damon. That was a fairly good impersonation of a human being.

SPIKE: (side look at Willow) I've seen better.

-Damon -

I understand you're afraid. But you don't have to be afraid anymore, Natalie. You don't have to be afraid to love.

XANDER: (as Damon) Love me, Natalie! Love me! No, no. Not with your heart, with your body.

-He leans toward her, and she punches him right in the face.

ALL: Yay!  
XANDER: Break his nose!

-Natalie -

Start the car right now!

Damon -

Okay, that hurt. You know, I'm just trying to help you out here. You don't have to act like such a bitch!

BUFFY: Wow, he even talks like Fish Boy.

-Natalie -

Believe me, it's no act.

Damon -

You sure you don't want to think this over, 'cause I'm all about

healing, Natalie.

XANDER: (as Damon) I'm all about healing. Oh, and hurting. Also, I sometimes like to steal, and kill. But mostly? I'm all about healing.

-Natalie -

One black eye or two, Damon. You decide.

WILLOW: Two! Two!  
XANDER: Oh, oh... one! No, two. Wait, one!  
BUFFY: Two! Definitely two.  
SPIKE: Why stop with black eyes?

-Damon - (chuckles)

All right, fine. I'm gonna take a piss. I'll be right back.

BUFFY: (as Natalie, sighs) Oh, Damon, you're so romantic. Take me! Take me now!

-He opens the door and steps outside, slamming the door behind him.

Natalie -

Pig.

BUFFY: I like this girl.  
SPIKE: You would.

-EXT. WOODS/CLEARING - NIGHT

Damon races off into the woods.

WILLOW: ...doing the pee-pee dance along the way.  
BUFFY/XANDER: (laugh)  
SPIKE: Dare I ask?  
WILLOW: Oh, curiosity now? Maybe we don't want to share anymore.  
SPIKE: (rolls his eyes) Whatever.

-INT. CAR

Natalie has turned on the radio. She pulls down the sun visor and

checks her hair.

BUFFY: (as Natalie) Yep, still ratty with twigs in it. Perfect!  
XANDER: Is she stupid? The car barely started in the first place, now she's got the radio on, draining the battery? What an idiot.  
WILLOW: This is true.

-EXT. WOODS

Damon unzips his pants and begins

SPIKE: ...to-  
BUFFY: Oh, no you don't. See this is one of those times that you don't need to go there.  
SPIKE: But it's fun. Livens up this boring script, and puts a little life in you all.  
XANDER: (considers) That's true.  
WILLOW: But it's not always necessary to get icky with it, just to liven things up.  
BUFFY: (trying to keep from laughing) Gettin' Icky With It... the new hit by Will Smith.  
WILLOW: Hey, no mocking me. Just the movies.

-urinating.

ALL: Ew.  
SPIKE: See. That's what the movie gave us. I tried to give us something more.  
WILLOW: Well, Spike, if you want to read about men masturbating... don't let us stop you. (watches him innocently) Go, ahead.  
SPIKE: (growls at her) You bloody well know that's not what I meant.  
XANDER: I think it's time for another break.  
BUFFY: I agree.


	3. Urbans Legends Are Parodies Too (part 3)

Urban Legends Are Parodies Too (part 3)  
  
an MST3K of  
  
Urban Legends  
  
by sinecure  
  
  
_______________________________________________________________________________________________  
  
  
Stretching didn't relieve Spike's anger, just the soreness in his neck, so he stood up and left the room, not wanting to be around the blasted 'teenyboppers' for another minute. Unfortunately, there was no way to get away from them for long. But while he could remove himself, he would. As far away as possible.  
  
Back in his bedroom he picked his duster up from the bed, balled it up, and threw it across the room. It smacked into the door between his and Willow's room, and plopped to the ground in a black leather heap. It hadn't really helped his anger, and he really couldn't leave the duster there. Not on the floor, all crumpled up. It was a weakness, but he loved the thing. He crossed the room and grabbed it off the floor, shaking it out to remove any possible creases. Laying it on the bed, he caught a glimpse of movement from the mirror on the dresser.  
  
He spun around, examining the entire room. Nothing was out of place. Bed, dresser, two bedside tables, and a table by the door to the hall. And, definitely not anything he'd ever let the Scoobies see... his bookcase full of books. After several failed attempts at getting out of here those first few days, he'd needed something to occupy his time.  
  
"Spike?"  
  
The whispered voice was very quiet, a little hesitant, and all Willow. Spike bit back a groan and turned to the doorway. Whatever she wanted, he would refuse... just on principal. He was, after all, evil, and she needed to remember that.  
  
"What?" he snarled.  
  
"It's torture time again. Buffy and Xander are actually kind of anxious to get back to it." She shrugged and grinned when he turned an incredulous look her way. "Don't look at me. I've seen this movie, and it sucked in the theater... sucks even more in print."  
  
"Fine," he muttered, lighting a cigarette and following her out to the front room. "But if either one of them says one damn word about anything having to do with me, I'll kill them both."  
  
She chuckled, not haing the slightest idea that he was dead serious.  
  
  
_______________________________________________________________________________________________  
  
  
EXT. CLEARING  
  
We see Natalie through the windshield.  
  
XANDER: ...picking her nose.  
OTHERS: Ew.  
  
INT. CAR  
  
Natalie puts the sun visor back up. She sighs.  
  
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Still hideous.  
  
EXT. WOODS  
  
Damon finishes urinating.  
  
WILLOW: After that marathon session, I'm surprised he hasn't dried up and blown away. Seems like he's been going forever.  
BUFFY: Probably just because of the break.  
  
He zips up his pants. Suddenly,  
  
BUFFY: ...he screams because he's zipped himself up--  
SPIKE: (cringing) Good God, woman, don't you finish that sentence.  
XANDER: (hands over his ears) Buffy, for the love of men everywhere... don't say it.  
BUFFY: (shrugs) Sorry. Um... didn't mean to--  
XANDER: (shakes his head) Let's just move on, 'kay?  
BUFFY: (nods) Sure.  
WILLOW: Absolutely.  
  
THE KILLER JUMPS UP BEHIND HIM  
  
WILLOW: ...and does the macarena.  
  
and throws a rope around his throat!  
  
INT. CAR  
  
Natalie looks around, bored.  
  
WILLOW: (as Natalie) Geez, Damon, could you get killed some other time? I'm bored.  
  
EXT. WOODS  
  
The killer throws Damon to the ground, the rope still around his neck.  
  
INT. CAR  
  
Natalie looks at her watch.  
  
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Oh, come on, Damon! Be killed later, I'm late for... something more important than you.  
  
Natalie -   
Okay.  
  
She smiles.  
  
SPIKE: She just remembered she was getting paid for her time, so it wasn't a total loss.  
  
EXT. WOODS  
  
The killer beats Damon's head into the ground.  
  
SPIKE: Cool, this is getting fun.  
  
INT. CAR  
  
Natalie looks out into the woods.  
  
EXT. CLEARING  
  
Natalie steps out of the car.  
  
BUFFY: Ok, can we stick to one setting, and one setting only? I'm getting vertigo.  
  
Natalie - (shouting)  
Damon! Shake it and lets go!  
  
WILLOW: Ok, now... was that her giving stage directions? He shakes it and lets go? Otherwise, typo. I'm going with stage directions.  
SPIKE: You live in your own little world, don't you?  
WILLOW: Often times.  
  
A noise behind her! Natalie looks behind her to see...  
  
NOTHING!  
  
WILLOW: Oh, my God, it's the Nothing! And it's trying to take over Fantasia. Quick, someone get Atreyu!  
SPIKE: @_@  
BUFFY: Ooo, The Neverending Story! I love that movie.  
XANDER: (nods) Not bad, a little on the sappy/cutesy side, but entertaining nonetheless.  
WILLOW: We're going to have to watch it when we get out of... here.  
ALL: ...  
  
Natalie turns back and is face to face with  
  
XANDER: ...puppies.  
  
THE KILLER!  
  
XANDER: ...or that.  
  
Natalie screams  
  
BUFFY: ...with joy, and runs to hug the killer. (as Natalie) You killed Damon! Yay!  
  
and runs around the car to the drivers side. She opens the door and climbs inside.  
  
WILLOW: ...but accidentally falls out the other door. (as Natalie) Drat.  
  
INT. CAR  
  
Natalie locks the door and begins rolling up the window.  
  
SPIKE: Why? Now the killer can't get her.  
XANDER: I kinda think that's the point.  
SPIKE: Sucks for us.  
  
The killer pounds on the window, then moves to the back. Natalie turns the key, and the car sputters. All the warning signals flash.  
  
XANDER: Hmm, imagine that. Guess she shouldn't have turned on the radio.  
BUFFY: (to Xander) As you said.  
XANDER: (nods) As I said.  
  
Natalie -   
Come on, come on, come on.  
  
WILLOW: (as Natalie) Start you stupid car! I really need to listen to the radio.  
  
EXT. CLEARING  
  
The killer throws a rope over the hitch.  
  
SPIKE: Oh, look at that. A typo.  
WILLOW: (frowns) Where?  
SPIKE: Hitch starts with a b, not an h.  
WILLOW: (chuckles)  
  
INT. CAR  
  
Natalie -   
Damon!  
  
Suddenly, there's a pounding on the roof, like somebody's walking on it. Natalie screams, and continues to try to get the car started. The pounding stops, but in its place is a scratching noise.  
  
Natalie -   
Damon!  
  
BUFFY: There she goes again, showing off her extensive grasp of the english language.  
  
EXT. CAR  
  
The camera slowly pans up to show Damon hanging from a tree, his legs barely touching the roof of the car. His hands are on the noose, trying to loosen its grip. He can barely breathe.  
  
Damon - (weakly)  
Natalie, don't start the car.  
  
WILLOW: (as Natalie) But I really, really need to hear the radio. There's a contest, and I wanna win. It's a trip to Tower Bay Island in... the Bahamas!  
BUFFY: The Bahamas!  
XANDER: Gonna get tropical, baby!  
SPIKE: And you're quoting from that crap movie, why? It was horrible.  
WILLOW: Well, yeah. It was. But... (shrugs) I've got nothin'.  
  
He coughs,  
  
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Ew, Damon! You, like, totally spit on me! Get away from me!  
  
his feet swinging, the tips of them touching the roof.  
  
XANDER: (as Natalie) Ew, Damon! You, like, totally have stinky feet! Get them away from me!  
  
Damon - (weakly)  
Don't start the car.  
  
WILLOW: (as Natalie) Oh, it's always about you, you, you. What about me? What about my needs?  
  
INT. CAR  
  
Natalie peers out of the windshield, trying to see what is making the sound.  
  
BUFFY: ...that's when she spots Jeff Daniels and Jim Carey.  
XANDER: (as Jim Carey) Wanna hear the most annoying sound in the world?  
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Ahhhhhh!  
XANDER: (as Jim Carey) Hey, yeah... that's the sound. How'd you know?  
  
Suddenly, the killer's face slams into the windshield, making Natalie scream. She hits the dashboard a few times, and the car starts. She puts it in drive and presses down on the gas pedal.  
  
XANDER: And again the car starts after being banged on the dashboard... is it a vehicle, or a kitchen appliance?  
  
EXT. CAR  
  
The car speeds forward.  
  
WILLOW: (as car) Vroooooooooom.  
  
The rope spins around the tree, dragging Damon high into the air. He flails wildly, his oxygen slowly escaping him.  
  
The car comes to a stop, the rope pulling taut. The killer flies  
  
SPIKE: ...a kite, bored with the whole situation.  
  
off the roof and lands on the ground.  
  
CLOSE ON:  
  
Damon's dead body as it slowly sways in the wind.  
  
XANDER: (singing) The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind...  
BUFFY: (singing) All we are is dust in the wind...  
WILLOW: (singing) Smoke on the water... (to the others) I can't think of any wind songs-- oh, there's one. (singing) Your Windsong stays on my mind...  
SPIKE: Commercials don't count. And I have nothing.  
  
INT. CAR  
  
Natalie looks through the windshield.  
  
WILLOW: (as Natalie) Hey. Why is a clown with tiny, razor-sharp teeth out there?  
XANDER: (fearfully) Not... Pennywise.  
WILLOW: Sorry, Xander. I always forget.  
XANDER: Hmm, I'm beginning to wonder about that.  
WILLOW: (looks innocent)  
  
NATALIE'S POV  
  
The killer stands up. We see him clearly for the first time. He wears a black, hooded parka and black pants. The hood is drawn tight, making it impossible to see into.  
  
SPIKE: (as Natalie) ... Kenny, is that you?  
  
NORMAL VIEW  
  
Natalie presses down on the gas pedal, trying to get the car loose.  
  
WILLOW: ...from her hair, which is stuck in the window.  
OTHERS: @_@  
  
EXT. /INT. CAR  
  
The tires are flinging mud into the air. The rope is pulled taut. This car isn't going anywhere.  
  
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Oh well. Guess I'm hoofin' it. Unless... hey, Mr. Killer, could you give me a ride?  
  
The killer walks over to the car and onto the hood. He raises his leg and smashes it into the windshield.  
  
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Well, fine. I'll take that as a no then.  
  
Natalie screams and her foot lets go of the gas.  
  
XANDER: Well, sure. I know when I talk and drive at the same time, my foot slips off the pedal. So I never do that anymore.  
  
The killer kicks the windshield again, making the windshield spiderweb.  
  
SPIKE: (as Natalie) Green Goblin, no!  
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Ok, ok, I get it! You won't give me a ride. Geez!  
  
Natalie screams and puts the car into reverse. She presses her foot down on the pedal and the car flies backward, and the killer flies off the hood, landing with a thump.  
  
XANDER: Oh, my God! She killed Kenny!  
WILLOW: You bastards!  
  
As the car speeds backwards, the rope loosens and Damon's dead body begins to plummet toward the earth. The car suddenly rams into the tree. Natalie hears the sound of the rope spinning around the tree, and peers up through the windshield. Suddenly, Damon's body plummets right into the windshield, breaking it. His head is only mere inches from Natalie. Natalie screams and throws open the door. She climbs out.  
  
WILLOW: (as Natalie) Alright! That's it! I'm out of this movie!  
  
Natalie looks around, but doesn't see the killer. She stands up and runs.  
  
XANDER: (as Natalie) Woohoo! I'm free! Yes, I'm-- (runs into a tree) Ow.  
  
INT. CAMPUS SECURITY OFFICE  
  
CLOSE ON:  
  
The T.V. A woman(Pam Greer)  
  
SPIKE: Sure it's not Grier?  
WILLOW: (surprised) You're a Pam Grier fan?  
SPIKE: Oh, are you kidding? She was in Scream, Blacula, Scream. That was one of the funniest movies I've ever seen.  
XANDER: (with a snicker) I bet Interview With a Vampire is Angel's favorite movie.  
SPIKE: (snorts in amusement) That or the Crying Game.  
BUFFY: Shut up, both of-- Willow!  
WILLOW: (laughing) I'm sorry! I can't help it.  
BUFFY: (hiding a smile) Hmph!  
  
points a gun at a man. She begins talking. Reese recites the words with her.  
  
Reese -   
This is the end of your rotten life, you mother fucking dope pusher.  
  
WILLOW: (gasps) Such language!  
  
NORMAL VIEW  
  
Reese has her gun out. There's a shot on the T.V., and Reese pretends to fire her gun.   
  
XANDER: (as Reese) Pew! Pew!  
  
CLOSE ON:  
  
The T.V. The woman walks over to another dope pusher, gun in hand.  
  
NORMAL VIEW  
  
XANDER: (as Reese) Pew! Pew!  
  
Reese again recites the words along with the T.V.  
  
Reese -   
It was easy for him, 'cause he didn't believe it was coming. But it ain't gonna be easy for you, 'cause you better believe it's coming.  
  
BUFFY: That's not how you put your enemy off guard. Punning is the only way to go.  
  
There's a gunshot, and Reese mimics it.  
  
XANDER: (as Reese) Pew! Pew!  
  
Suddenly, the door opens and Natalie runs in. Reese quickly puts her gun away.  
  
WILLOW: (as Reese) I wasn't doing anything! You're seeing things!  
  
Reese -   
Girl, what's wrong with you?  
  
SPIKE: (snorts) You got a month?  
  
Natalie -   
They killed him. Somebody killed him.  
  
Reese's jaw drops, shocked and stunned.  
  
BUFFY: How exactly does a jaw become shocked and stunned?  
WILLOW: Takes years of work, lots of dedication, and a ton of practice.  
  
EXT. BRIDGE - NIGHT  
  
A long bridge. Below it is nothing but blue water.  
  
XANDER: Or, you know, with it being night and all... black water.  
  
Reese's cop car is on the bridge, lights flashing.  
  
XANDER: (as car) You'll never take me alive, coppers! I'll jump! I'll do it... back away!  
  
Natalie - (o.s.)  
It's right past this bridge.  
  
EXT. WOODS/CLEARING  
  
It's clear. The car is gone, Damon's body is gone, the killer is gone.  
  
BUFFY: The trees are gone.  
WILLOW: The dirt is gone.  
SPIKE: The sky is gone.  
XANDER: The ground is gone.  
  
Everything is gone. Reese's cop car pulls to a stop in the middle of the clearing.   
  
Reese - (o.s)  
I don't see nothin.  
  
WILLOW: (as Natalie) Well it is night, and there are no lights around... the moon is behind the clouds...  
  
Are you sure this is it?   
  
XANDER: (as Natalie) Nope. Last week's murder was in the field, the week before that was in the mountains, um, tonight's was... here. I think. I could be wrong. Maybe it was at the beach.  
  
Reese and Natalie both get out of the car. Reese holds a flashlight.   
  
XANDER: (as Reese) Pew! Pew!  
  
Natalie -   
I don't get it.  
  
XANDER: (as Reese) It's a gun, see? I point it, and shoot. Pew! Pew!  
  
The car was--  
  
Reese -   
Here, huh? You don't mind me asking, what the hell are you on?  
  
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Oh, um, speed, heroin, cocaine, prozac, Jim Beam, and a little marijuana. Why?  
WILLOW: (as Reese) No reason, I just wanted some too. Got any extra?  
  
Natalie -   
Nothing! The car was right here!  
  
WILLOW: (as Reese) Where?  
XANDER: (as Natalie) Right there!  
WILLOW: (as Reese) Where?  
XANDER: (as Natalie) Right-- Reese! Stop rooting around in my purse. I already told you, I don't have anything to munch on!  
  
Reese bends down and picks up an empty beer can.  
  
BUFFY: (as Homer) Mmm, beer.  
SPIKE: (as Natalie) Ew, Reese, quit licking the beer can.  
  
Reese -   
Right here?  
  
XANDER: (as Natalie) What? You want to have sex right here? Well, ok. Sure, yeah.  
  
Natalie -   
Reese, I saw his body. I touched it.  
  
WILLOW: Wait, wait, wait. When did she touch Damon's body?  
SPIKE: (flips back through the script) She didn't.  
WILLOW: Isn't she the little liar?  
  
It's probably the same person who killed Michelle Mancini.  
  
Reese -   
That's impossible, baby. The police arrested that gas station attendant this afternoon.  
  
Natalie shakes her head, not knowing what to say.  
  
BUFFY: (as Natalie) I don't know what to say.  
WILLOW: Oh, what? No lies coming to mind?  
  
INT. STUDENT UNION - NEXT DAY  
  
Parker and Sasha sit next to each other on one couch, Brenda on the other. Natalie sits in the chair.  
  
XANDER: (as Natalie) I'm such an outsider.  
  
Parker -   
It was a mannequin, Natalie. Damon uses it all the time to scare   
pledges during hazing. He also has this life size blow up doll. You probably don't want to know about that.  
  
SPIKE: On the contrary.  
OTHERS: (shudder) Blech!  
SPIKE: (chuckles)  
  
Natalie -   
It wasn't a mannequin, Parker. Damon was dead.  
  
Parker -   
Come on, Nat! Damon is the best practical joker on this campus, all right. He once convinced a freshman he was the middle Hanson brother just so he could get laid.  
  
BUFFY: Uh, who would want to have sex with *any* of the Hanson's?  
  
Brenda -   
Okay, Parker, shouldn't he be here enjoying his handiwork?  
  
WILLOW: (as Parker) Well, no, because she didn't die of fright like he wanted her to.  
  
Parker -   
Weekend snow boarding trip. Some last fling bachelor party with high school buddies. Come on!  
  
XANDER: (as Natalie) Um, are you asking us to go there with you? I-- I'm confused...  
  
Natalie doesn't buy it.  
  
SPIKE: (as Natalie) Sure you won't take a penny for it? Well then, I can't afford it.  
  
She knows Damon is dead.  
  
Parker -   
Woah, woah, woah, wait a minute. Scratching on the roof of a car. It's just like that urban legend.  
  
Brenda smiles.  
  
BUFFY: (as Brenda) Shiny wall...  
WILLOW: (as Natalie) That's a mirror, Brenda.  
BUFFY: (as Brenda) Shiny.  
  
Natalie -   
What are you talking about?  
  
BUFFY: (as Brenda) The shiny wall.  
WILLOW: (as Natalie) It's a mirror, you retard.  
BUFFY: (as Brenda) Shiny.  
  
Parker -   
Come on, Natalie. Wexler talks about it every semester in class.  
  
XANDER: (as Parker) I should know. I've been in his class for ten years now.  
  
You know, a guy and a girl parked out in the woods, making out.  
  
Brenda -   
You made out with him?  
  
SPIKE: (as Natalie) With who? Wexler? Yes.  
BUFFY: (as Brenda) Um, no. I meant Damon.  
SPIKE: (as Natalie) Oh... no.  
  
Natalie shoots her a look. Brenda only smiles mischievously.  
  
Parker -   
The guy steps out of the car, and the girl starts hearing scratching noises on the roof. It's her dead boyfriend hung from a tree. Damon's in the class! He knew the myth. He must've planned the whole thing out. Guy thought it was the only way a girl would ever say he was "hung." Conniving bastard.  
  
XANDER: Parker's the killer! He's talking about Damon in the past tense. (to Willow) You've seen the movie. Am I right?  
WILLOW: (shrugs)  
  
Sasha laughs and Parker snuggles up to her. He is about to kiss her when Natalie interrupts.  
  
WILLOW: (as Natalie) Excuse me, kiss me instead.  
BUFFY: (as Parker) Alright! Come here, baby!  
WILLOW: (as Natalie) I meant Sasha.  
BUFFY: (as Parker) ... oh.  
SPIKE: (as Sasha) Alright! Come here, baby!  
XANDER: Spike, do me a favor, and never do that again.  
SPIKE: Only if you'll do me a favor, and never say another word.  
  
Natalie -   
Wait a second. Isn't there a legend about a guy with an axe hiding in the backseat of a woman's car?  
  
SPIKE: Well, I don't wanna brag, but I'm the one got that rumor started.  
BUFFY: Really.  
SPIKE: Oh yeah. Back in the fifties I had some... people, after me, so I hid in the backseat of some guy's car, and--  
WILLOW: Told him the same lie you're telling us now?  
SPIKE: (chuckles) And then ate him.  
OTHERS: O_O  
  
Sasha -   
Hello?  
  
WILLOW: (as Sasha) Brenda... yoo hoo, stop staring at the mirror.  
BUFFY: (as Brenda) Shiny.  
WILLOW: (as Sasha) Mmm-hmm. You're a flake, you know that?  
  
My mom still checks the backseat before getting into a car.  
  
XANDER: (as Sasha) ...and she's diappointed every time there's no one there. It's sad really.  
  
Natalie -   
That's how Michelle Mancini died.  
  
Brenda -   
Oh my God.  
  
BUFFY: (as Brenda) ... the shiny thing is a mirror! Huh! I'm so-- so-- it's shiny.  
  
Sasha -   
What are you trying to say, Natalie?  
  
XANDER: (as Natalie) It's obvious, isn't it? The aliens are here! The aliens are here!  
  
Natalie -   
It's like someone out there is taking all these stories and making them reality.  
  
Sasha smiles and Parker stands up. He walks over to Natalie.  
  
WILLOW: (as Parker) Aren't you a cute little thing? Yes you are! Oh, yes you are! You're so cute!  
  
Parker -   
Well, my big question is,  
  
SPIKE: (as Parker) How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Tootsie Pop? ... trademark.  
  
what is he gonna do next? Maybe put spider eggs in bubble gum. Maybe ram a gerbil up a celebrity's ass?  
  
ALL: Ew.  
  
Sasha laughs.  
  
BUFFY: Sasha's quite the conversationalist, isn't she? She smiles, and laughs, and not much else.  
  
Parker - (cont'd)  
Come on, Nat! Give Damon a call at the Killington. You'll see he's there.  
  
INT. NATALIE AND TOSH'S DORM ROOM - LATER  
  
Natalie enters. Loud heavy rock music is blaring from the speakers. Tosh smokes a cigarette, apparently in a chat room.  
  
SPIKE: And this is apparent from her smoking a cigarette... how?  
BUFFY: Random sentences!  
SPIKE: No. No. Not random sentences! That's just--  
BUFFY: Random sentences!  
SPIKE: (sighs in defeat)  
BUFFY: Parker drives a car, apparently he's hungry.  
WILLOW: Paul writes his column, apparently he's wearing shoes.  
XANDER: Sasha reads a magazine, apparently she's doing algebra in her head.  
SPIKE: Natalie sighs heavily, apparently thinking about flowers.  
BUFFY: (grins) Fun!  
  
Natalie approaches Tosh.  
  
Natalie -   
Tosh, do you mind if I use--  
  
XANDER: (as Natalie) ...your hair as a kleenex?  
  
Tosh spins around, angry.  
  
Tosh -   
What!?  
  
XANDER: (as Natalie) Ok, ok, I'll use a real kleenex, geez.  
  
Natalie pauses, looking at Tosh's angry face.  
  
BUFFY: Wow, my roommate was nicer than this chick, and she was a soulless demon trying to steal my soul so her family would take me rather than her back to a hell dimension...  
OTHERS: ... (then)  
WILLOW: Yep. I remember that.  
XANDER: My head remembers the pain you gave it.  
  
She decides not to cause an unnecessary fight.  
  
SPIKE: Yeah, right. She's just a big wuss.  
  
Natalie -   
Never mind.  
  
SPIKE: (as Natalie) I'm just gonna slink out of here like the wimp that I am.  
  
EXT. CAMPUS - LATER  
  
Natalie is at a phone booth, talking to a woman who works at the   
Killington.  
  
XANDER: Is it really necessary to keep calling it, 'the' Killington? Is it really deserving of the respect and reverence that goes along with it?  
  
Woman - (from phone)  
Yeah, there was a blond guy that arrived with that group this morning. A bachelor party or something?  
  
WILLOW: (as Natalie) That settles it then, since Damon is the only blond guy in the world, it has to be him. Thanks, Voice From The Phone.  
  
Natalie -   
Damon Brooks, specifically. Can you tell me if he checked in?  
  
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Did the blond guy have badly grown facial hair?  
  
Woman -   
Oh, I can't tell you that. The cabin's not in his name and it's not on his credit card. I'd be happy to take a message, but I can't guarantee he'll come by and pick it up. So, whatever you want--  
  
Natalie hangs the phone up.  
  
SPIKE: (as woman on the phone) Bitch! Hang up on me, will you? I'll kill you! Kill you, you hear me? You're dead. Dead!  
OTHERS: (scoot away slightly) @_@  
SPIKE: (chuckles evilly)  
  
That idea didn't work.  
  
EXT. LIBRARY - LATER  
  
Natalie walks up the stone steps to the large, old library. The sun has set and it's getting dark...  
  
INT. LIBRARY   
  
Natalie walks by row after row of books.  
  
BUFFY: (as Natalie) No, no, no. Where are all the picture books?  
  
She finds the row she needs and starts to look for the book.  
  
XANDER: (as Natalie) Ok, where are you, you Pokey Little Puppy?  
  
Suddenly, she hears footsteps.  
  
SPIKE: Oh, my God! Not footsteps! Hasn't the poor girl been through enough?  
  
Natalie turns, and when she does, a figure walks by the camera. Natalie looks around.  
  
WILLOW: (as Natalie) Why is there a camera pointed at me? Hello? Uh, who are you, and why are you filming me?  
  
Natalie -   
Hello?  
  
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Oh, tee hee. This is a book, not a phone.  
  
She sighs, and goes back to looking when she hears a rustling sound.  
  
WILLOW: So, what, now on top of everything else, she has to deal with mice?  
  
Natalie stops. There's indistinct whispering somewhere in the library.  
  
SPIKE: Whispering in a library? Good, God, what is this world coming to?  
  
Then a noise like a chair being pushed back.  
  
Natalie -   
Someone there?  
  
No response. Natalie just shrugs it off and continues her search. She finds what she's been looking for. She pulls it off the shelf.  
  
XANDER: (as Natalie) Hello, Pokey Little Puppy!  
  
CLOSE ON:  
  
The book. The title is:   
  
BUFFY: Life, And How To Get One.  
WILLOW: Love, And How To Find It.  
SPIKE: Sex, And How To Find Someone To Have It With.  
XANDER: (to the others) I'm sticking by my Pokey Little Puppy!  
  
THE ENCYCLOPEDIA OF URBAN LEGENDS."  
  
NORMAL VIEW  
  
Natalie presses the book against her chest,  
  
XANDER: (as Natalie) I love you book, you're my only friend.  
  
so that no one can see the title.  
  
SPIKE: ...meanwhile, all the other patrons are walking around holding up their copies of Playboy, Playgirl, and Hustler, showing them to each other and high-fiving.  
  
She heads out of the aisle. Suddenly, a noise behind her. Natalie turns, and in that instance she bumps into...  
  
SASHA!  
  
SPIKE: Oh, my God! Not... Sasha! This script is a bit overdramatic.  
XANDER: A bit.  
  
Natalie gasps. Sasha laughs.  
  
WILLOW: (as Sasha) Ha ha, it's funny to scare people who think serial killers are after them.  
BUFFY: Will, do you know what that is?  
SPIKE: (groans) Do we have to?  
XANDER: I'll go first! Um... ok. Parker screams. Paul snorts.  
BUFFY: Me next! Me next! Brenda sneezes. Michelle barks.  
WILLOW: (laughing) Damon burps. Wexler sings.  
SPIKE: (sighs) Reese shrieks. Dean Adams cries.  
  
She also has a book. She holds it out to Natalie.  
  
Sasha -   
Hey, Nat. Look what I found.  
  
Natalie -   
What?  
  
XANDER: (as Sasha) See Spot Run.  
BUFFY: (as Natalie, claps excitedly) Yay!  
  
Sasha opens the book to a page. It has illustrations of people in weird sexual positions.  
  
WILLOW: Wow. See Spot Run sure has changed since I was a kid.  
  
Sasha - (re:the book)  
An early edition of Kama Sutra....with illustrations. Think Parker will get into it?  
  
SPIKE: (as Natalie) Um, let me think... he's a guy, isn't he?  
BUFFY: ...yeah.  
XANDER: (as Natalie) There's your answer.  
  
Natalie -   
Does he have a choice?  
  
SPIKE: Oh, please. The boy will probably lose it when he sees the book, let alone being asked to do any of the things in it.  
WILLOW: (impressed) Wow, check out the restraint you used just now.  
SPIKE: Yeah. I could've said he'd--  
WILLOW: (stares at him pointedly)  
SPIKE: But I won't.  
  
Sasha -   
No.  
  
They're both giggling like little school girls. Sasha notices Natalie's book.  
  
BUFFY: (as Sasha) Oh, I didn't know you could read. And it's the Pokey Little Puppy! How cute!  
  
Sasha -   
What's that?  
  
Natalie -   
Um...  
  
WILLOW: (as Natalie) ... those of us in the know call them... books.  
  
She reluctantly shows the book to Sasha.  
  
Sasha -   
Nat, don't tell me you still believe--  
  
BUFFY: (as Sasha) ...in the easter bunny?  
  
Natalie -   
I don't know.  
  
XANDER: (as Natalie) The evidence is all pointing in one direction...  
  
INT. LIBRARY - LATER  
  
Natalie and Sasha sit a table,  
  
WILLOW: Really. And, how exactly, did they do that?  
SPIKE: (to Willow) Ancient chinese secret.  
WILLOW: (accusingly) Hey! You know pop culture!  
SPIKE: I do watch t.v., you know.  
  
looking at the Urban Legend book. Natalie flips through the book, Sasha looking on. Natalie doesn't see anything of interest until she sees one picture.  
  
BUFFY: (as Natalie) I can't read, but pictures? Whew! I'm a whiz when it comes to pictures.  
  
CLOSE ON:  
  
The book. There's a picture of a woman sprawled out on a bed, her   
wrists slit. The words "Aren't you glad you didn't turn on the lights" written on the wall in the woman's blood.  
  
SPIKE: (as Natalie) Hmm, that looks cool! I should do that to Brenda!  
  
NORMAL VIEW  
  
Natalie glances at it a moment longer, then turns the page.  
  
WILLOW: (as Natalie) Nah, not violent enough. On to more important things. Namely, me.  
  
She comes to what she's been looking for.  
  
XANDER: (as Natalie) Ooo, look! Bunnies!  
  
CLOSE ON:  
  
The book. It shows a man hanging from a tree by his feet, his arms raking the roof of the car. The girlfriend is in the car, a frightened expression on his face.   
  
WILLOW: Um, if the girlfriend has a frightened expression on *his* face, then I think they've got some major problems aside from the whole hanging-from-a-tree thing.  
  
Natalie - (o.s)  
This is it.  
  
SPIKE: (as Natalie) ...this is what I want to do to Brenda.  
WILLOW: (as Sasha) Are you sure?  
SPIKE: (as Natalie) Definitely.  
  
NORMAL VIEW  
  
The picture is really disturbing Natalie. Sasha glances at the book, then Natalie.  
  
BUFFY: (as Sasha) You know, in this light, you've got this... hair thing going on... and a nose thing. You should get those fixed.  
  
She turns a few pages. She comes to another picture.  
  
XANDER: (as Natalie) More bunnies!  
  
CLOSE ON:  
  
The picture. It shows two cars on a road. One has its lights off, and the other one seems to be flashing their high beams.  
  
NORMAL VIEW  
  
Sasha -   
This is definitely not a myth.  
  
WILLOW: Is too.  
  
Natalie -   
What?  
  
WILLOW: (to Natalie) A myth.  
  
Sasha - (re:the picture)  
The gang high beam initiation. It happens all the time. Gang members drive around at night with their headlights off. And when someone goes to flash them their high-beams to warn 'em, they  
  
BUFFY: (as Sasha) ...take them out for ice-cream to thank them. I had chocolate fudge ripple.  
  
kill 'em. That's why I never warn anybody about anything when I drive.  
  
BUFFY: (as Sasha) Even that one time last summer when I saw a guy in a slicker and a huge hook chasing some teenagers down the street.  
  
A pause. The picture seems to upset Natalie.  
  
WILLOW: (as Natalie) While it may seem like I'm upset about the picture, I'm actually just thinking about dinner. It's meatloaf Tuesday.  
  
Sasha -   
Anyway, I gotta go. I've got some homework.  
  
They laugh at this. They know exactly what Sasha's homework will be.  
  
SPIKE: To build a fireplace.  
XANDER: Masonry's a delicate process.  
  
Natalie -   
Okay. See ya.  
  
Sasha stands up.  
  
Sasha -   
Bye.  
  
WILLOW: (as Sasha) Loser.  
  
Natalie continues to look at the book while Sasha leaves.  
  
INT. NATALIE AND TOSH'S DORM ROOM  
  
CLOSE ON:  
  
The computer screen. Tosh is in a Goth chat room. She types:Goth guys on campus looking to hook up... I-M me.  
  
CLOSE ON:  
  
Tosh, still smoking a cigarette. She waits for a reply.  
  
BUFFY: ...two days later, she was still waiting. It was sad really.  
WILLOW: (as Sasha) Loser.  
  
She doesn't have to wait long.  
  
XANDER: ...unless you count a month as a long time.  
  
CLOSE ON:  
  
The screen. A response comes. The response is:We're on similar dark paths.  
  
SPIKE: (as computer guy) ... we both wear black leather, black make-up, and we dyed our hair black... we're as evil as they come. (scoffs) They're practically still wearing nappies, and they think they're evil.  
BUFFY: Wearing what?  
WILLOW: Diapers.  
  
CLOSE ON:  
  
Tosh. She blows smoke into the air.  
  
WILLOW: (as Tosh) Pretty. Ooo, I made pretty.  
  
She begins typing.  
  
CLOSE ON:  
  
The computer screen. Tosh tpes:What U into? The response is:  
  
XANDER: Bad spelling? Oh, and sheep. U?  
  
Lithium.  
  
CLOSE ON:  
  
Tosh. She smiles, obviously finding a guy she can relate to.  
  
WILLOW: (as Tosh) I *love* sheep and bad spelling!  
  
CLOSE ON:  
  
The computer screen. Tosh types:My type of guy.  
  
XANDER: (as Tosh) I'm totally into guys who drool. Any droolers out there?  
  
INT. LIBRARY   
  
Natalie pulls the sign out sheet out of the front page of the book. The last entry is...Damon Brooks. Natalie puts the card down. Maybe she is paranoid. Maybe it was Damon playing a trick on her. Maybe...  
  
BUFFY: Maybe she really is insane...  
WILLOW: Maybe she really is an attention-grabber...  
XANDER: Maybe she really is a nagger...  
SPIKE: Maybe she really is a bitch...  
  
INT. NATALIE AND TOSH'S DORM ROOM  
  
CLOSE ON:  
  
Tosh's fingers as she types. Her fingernails are painted black.  
  
SPIKE: As I said.  
BUFFY: (to Spike) Your nails are painted black.  
SPIKE: I really am evil though. Two completely different things.  
OTHERS: Mmm.  
  
CLOSE ON:  
  
The screen. Tosh has typed:Where U at?  
  
XANDER: (as computer guy) At my computer, U?  
  
CLOSE ON:  
  
Tosh, a sexy look in her eyes. She is obviously smitten by this man.  
  
WILLOW: I'm here to tell you, Tosh, computer dates never work out.  
SPIKE: (gives Willow a look) You dated a guy off the computer?  
WILLOW Uh-huh. He tried to kill us all. Big demony guy.  
SPIKE: How have you guys survived this long?  
BUFFY: Skill.  
WILLOW: Timing.  
XANDER: Dumb luck.  
  
CLOSE ON:  
  
The computer screen. The response:Close.  
  
CLOSE ON:  
  
Tosh. She begins to type.  
  
CLOSE ON:  
  
BUFFY: Ack. All these close ons are giving me a headache.  
  
The computer screen. Tosh has written:tease.  
  
XANDER: Yeah, a guy who's into drugs and goth says he's close to her, a girl he's never met, and she thinks he's a prince.  
WILLOW: (as Tosh) My hero.  
  
CLOSE ON:  
  
Tosh. She smiles and begins typing.  
  
CLOSE ON:  
  
The computer screen. Tosh is typing:Gonna get ready. Tell me what room U R in.  
  
SPIKE: (as computer guy) Yours. Boo.  
  
CLOSE ON:  
  
Tosh. She picks up her black purse. She stands up. She glances back at the screen before heading for the door.   
  
XANDER: ...tragically, she forgets to open it, and ends up knocking herself out. (as Tosh) Doh!  
  
INT. HALLWAY  
  
Tosh opens the door and steps outside. She closes the door behind her.  
  
WILLOW: ...tragically, her shirt gets caught in the door. When she walks away, her shirt stops her short, and she flies backward, slamming her head into the door, knocking herself out. (as Tosh) Doh!  
  
EXT. LIBRARY  
  
Natalie walks down the stone steps.  
  
BUFFY: ...tragically, she slips, and falls, knocking herself out. (as Natalie) Oops!  
  
INT. BATHROOM  
  
Tosh sets her purse down by the sink and opens it. She pulls out her black lipstick.  
  
SPIKE: (clears his throat)  
BUFFY: Yeah, yeah, yeah, you were right. We get it.  
  
She takes the cap off and starts applying the lipstick.  
  
SPIKE: ...tragically, someone's filled the lipstick tube with poison. She applies the lipstick, passes out, and dies. The end.  
WILLOW: Ahem.  
SPIKE: Oh, yeah. (as Tosh) Doh!  
  
EXT. CAMPUS  
  
Natalie walks down the sidewalk, heading for her dorm.  
  
BUFFY: (as Natalie) La, la, la, I haven't a care in the world. La, la, la. I hope no killers are lurking about. La, la, la.  
  
INT. BATHROOM  
  
Tosh closes her purse, grabs it, and leaves the bathroom.  
  
  
_______________________________________________________________________________________________  
  
  
End part 3. Fasten your seatbelts and proceed to part 4. 


	4. Urbans Legends Are Parodies Too (part 4)

Urban Legends Are Parodies Too (part 4)  
  
an MST3K of  
  
Urban Legends  
  
by sinecure  
  
  
_______________________________________________________________________________________________  
  
  
"Speaking of bathrooms," Xander said, jumping to his feet, "I have to use one. Be right back." He quickly left the front room, heading toward his bedroom, and the bathroom within.  
  
After taking care of business, he was headed back down the hall with a stack of comic books when he noticed Spike's bedroom door open. Curiosity was never something he was able to keep a good handle on, so when an opportunity such as this one presented itself... well, he was bound to take it.  
  
He looked up and down the hall, checking to make sure no one was in the hall, and able to witness his covert peeking in of Spike's room. No one was, so he quickly pushed the door open further and looked inside. Seemed normal enough. Bed, dreser, window, full bookshelf... that was weird. Spike was a reader? Hmm. A door, a coatrack, a stack of books on the--  
  
Door? Holy crap. There was a door between Willow and Spike's rooms! Why? How? Why? This called for some serious cussing. Shit!  
  
"Her name is Tara. I met her in that extremely lame wicca class--" Willow looked up from her conversation with Buffy and Spike when Xander came running through the door, dropping comic books with every step. "What's wrong?"  
  
"A door. Why?" Xander asked intently. The others just stared at him in confusion.  
  
"There's another door?" Buffy asked, then shrugged. "Oh, well, I'm sure it doesn't lead anywhere except to a ballroom or something.  
  
"No," Xander told her, "I mean in Spike's room."  
  
Spike glared at Xander. "You were in my room? Who the hell gave you the right?"  
  
"Goes straight to Willow's room," Xander continued, talking only to Buffy now. "There's no door between our rooms, why is there one between theirs?  
  
Spike grinned, taking a drag off his cigarette. "Jealous?"  
  
Xander looked at Spike incomprehendingly. "What?" He absolutely didn't understand what Spike was asking him. "I don't-- no. Why is there a door there?" He turned to Willow, not caring who answered anymore, just so long as someone did, and soon.  
  
Willow stood up long enough to frown at him, then sat back down again. "You guys don't have a door between your rooms? I thought you did, I just assumed... well, why do we?" She turned to Spike, as if he had all the answers.  
  
Spike shrugged, not looking too caring. "Who knows? Maybe whoever put us in here wants me to kill you in the middle of the night--" seeing her horrified look, he had to laugh. "I'm kidding, Witch. They'll probably get one later, or something... I don't know." No one looked satisfied with his answer, so he sighed and ran his hands through his hair. "Does anything in this place make sense?" he asked in exasperation.  
  
Buffy shook her head, frowning as she looked around the clean white room. "He's right. Nothing here makes sense, so we can't exactly blame anyone for anything... except the Host, and he/she's not exactly showing... itself."  
  
Spike and Willow nodded in agreement, and after a moment, Xander nodded as well, then sat in his chair. The others stood there staring at each other, then followed Xander's example, and sat. "Looks like we've got movie sign," Xander said with a chuckle. The others turned confused looks his way. "You know, that Mystery Science Theater 3000 thing?" They still looked blank, so he shrugged. "Nevermind."  
  
  
_______________________________________________________________________________________________  
  
  
EXT. NATALIE'S DORM  
  
BUFFY: I'm tired of being here. Let's go somewhere else... like the lounge area thingy. Or the radio station.  
  
Natalie walks through the arched passageway to her dorm.  
  
INT. NATALIE AND TOSH'S DORM ROOM  
  
Tosh enters the room, closing the door behind her. She walks over to the computer and sits down. She looks at the screen, confused.  
  
WILLOW: (as Tosh) Huh? Why is there smashed watermelon all over the screen? And, where'd that sledgehammer come from? Oh, no... oh, God. Not...  
OTHERS: Gallagher! Ruuuuuuuuuuun!  
  
CLOSE ON:  
  
The computer screen. Underneath Tosh's question is the word:Yours.  
  
SPIKE: Told you.  
BUFFY: Well, gosh, Spike, you're the most brilliant vampire in this room. I'm proud of you!  
SPIKE: (rolls his eyes) Eat me, Slayer.  
BUFFY: Bite me, Vampire.  
  
NORMAL VIEW  
  
Tosh is bewildered by this.  
  
WILLOW: (as Tosh) What? Huh? How can this be? I don't get it.  
  
Before she has a chance to do anything, a hand wraps around her mouth!  
  
BUFFY: Oh, my God, not her mouth! Anything but her mouth!  
  
Tosh tries to scream. The killer throws Tosh onto the bed and gets on top of her.  
  
SPIKE: Naughty killer. Copping a feel during a kill... not like I've never done it, but I'm a vampire, evil and all that. I'm supposed to do things like that.  
WILLOW: Ew, you've copped a feel while killing someone? That's sick, Spike.  
BUFFY: Ever try it with me, and I'll--  
SPIKE: No worries there, Slayer. Why would I want to touch you in any way other than to kill you?  
BUFFY: Hey! I'm actually offended by that.  
WILLOW: Um, Buffy?  
BUFFY: I know, I know.  
  
With one hand covering her mouth and the other strangling her, Tosh tries to scream out. She gets the killer's hand off her mouth and screams before the killer clamps his hand over her mouth again.  
  
INT. HALLWAY  
  
Natalie walks down the hall to her room. A GIRL passes by her.  
  
XANDER: Ew, a GIRL? Cooties! Cooties!  
  
Girl -   
Sounds like Elvira's raising more than the dead in there.  
  
BUFFY: (as girl) She's also raising puppies and kittens that were abandoned... aw, poor wittle things.  
  
Natalie -   
Thanks for the warning.  
  
She stops in front of her door.  
  
WILLOW: (as Natalie) Here's hoping I don't step in any puppy puddles, or kitty stuffs. And most especially, no newly risen dead people things.  
  
CUT TO:  
  
INT. NATALIE AND TOSH'S DORM ROOM  
  
The killer has both hands on Tosh's neck.  
  
XANDER: (as killer) Swallow the pill already, Tosh! Come on, we go through this every time you have to take your pill.  
  
She screams.  
  
WILLOW: (as Tosh) I don't want to take my pill! No! You can't make me!  
  
CUT TO:  
  
INT. HALLWAY  
  
Natalie puts the key in the door.  
  
CUT TO:  
  
INT. NATALIE AND TOSH'S DORM ROOM  
  
SPIKE: Wow, can't you just feel the tension? The suspense?  
OTHERS: No.  
SPIKE: Yeah, me neither.  
  
The killer grabs the computer cord and pulls it out of the electrical outlet. The computer goes off, leaving the room in darkness. The door starts to open.  
  
Tosh -   
N- Natalie!  
  
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Oh, what now? Christ! You're so needy, Tosh!  
  
The killer clamps his hand on Tosh's mouth. Natalie enters the room and closes the door. She goes to turn on the light. Tosh watches expectantly for Natalie to turn on the light, revealing the killer. Natalie suddenly stops, remembering the last time she walked in on Tosh.  
  
XANDER: (as Natalie) Icky visuals, icky visuals. I just need to go to my special place... find my special place...  
  
Natalie -   
Sorry. Not looking.  
  
She covers her face and walks over to her bed. Tosh continues to groan and moan, trying to fight off the killer. It does look like they're having sex. Natalie chuckles in disgust.  
  
WILLOW: (as Natalie) You're disgusting, Tosh... getting killed right there in front of me. You nasty, nasty person, you.  
  
Tosh fights, but her oxygen is slowly being drained from her. She gasps.  
  
BUFFY: Here's a thought; say help. Or something that would alert Natalie to your predicament, rather than just saying her name, or moaning and groaning like you're having sex.  
  
Natalie climbs into bed, Tosh's groans still audible. Natalie grabs her headphones and puts them on. She turns it on. She turns up the volume to drown out Tosh's moans.  
  
WILLOW: (as Natalie singing) Oh, me so horny. Oh, me so horny. Oh, me so horny. Me love you long time.  
OTHERS: @_@  
XANDER: (shudders) Promise me you'll never do that again, Willow, I'm begging you.  
BUFFY: Please, please, please don't sing that again. Ever.  
WILLOW: Sorry... I was just being witty.  
SPIKE: (grins) Don't listen to them. You can sing it anytime you want to. Feel free to come into my room and sing it to me whenever you feel like it.  
BUFFY/XANDER: (glare threateningly at Spike)  
SPIKE: (shrugs, still grinning) I'm just saying.  
WILLOW: (shrinks down in her seat, embarrassed)  
  
Tosh still struggles feebly with the killer, but it's too late. Her body goes still, and her eyes roll up into her head.  
  
BUFFY: (as Tosh) Like, wow, there are interesting things inside my head that I never would've seen if it wasn't for you, Mr. Killer. Thank you!  
  
The killer lets Tosh's head fall onto the pillow. He shakes her to make sure she's dead, then gets off her.  
  
Natalie lies in bed, sleeping.  
  
XANDER: Hold on, let me get this straight. Natalie fell asleep in, like, five minutes, if that, with her roommate moaning and groaning, and headphones on, blaring loud music. I so don't think so!  
  
The killer's shadow passes over her...  
  
ALL: Kill her, kill her, kill her.  
  
FADE OUT  
  
ALL: Aww!  
WILLOW: Wait... fading out is a good thing, 'cause, no more movie.  
XANDER: Hey, you're right.  
ALL: Yay!  
  
FADE IN  
  
ALL: Aww!  
WILLOW: Poopie.  
  
INT. NATALIE AND TOSH'S DORM ROOM - NEXT DAY - MORNING  
  
Natalie's alarm goes off.  
  
SPIKE: (as alarm) Wake up, bitch!  
  
She slowly opens her eyes. Her headphones lay on the pillow beside her. Natalie sighs, not wanting to get up. She rolls over, facing Tosh. She sits up abruptly.  
  
WILLOW: ...and breaks her back. Oops.  
  
Tosh's black comforter has been pulled up over her face. A puddle of black blood is on the floor next to Tosh's bed. Her hand is sticking out of the cover, blood all over it.  
  
BUFFY: Natalie sighs, not wanting to get up. (as Natalie) Stupid freak, making me get up this early.  
  
Natalie slowly walks over to Tosh's bed. She reaches out and pulls back the comforter to reveal...  
  
XANDER: ...the Teletubbies!  
OTHERS: Ahh!   
  
TOSH'S WRISTS HAVE BEEN SLIT!  
  
Natalie screams and backs up.  
  
BUFFY: (as truck backup signal) Beep. Beep. Beep.  
  
She puts her hands over her mouth.  
  
BUFFY: ...to keep from giggling. (as Natalie) Yay, the bitch is finally dead. Rest in peace, Tosh!  
  
She slowly turns around to see that something has been written on the wall in Tosh's blood.   
  
XANDER: "I, Natalie, totally killed Tosh. She annoyed me, what can I say?"  
  
"Aren't you glad  
  
SPIKE: "--I didn't say 'orange?'"  
  
you didn't turn on the lights?"  
  
Natalie screams.  
  
XANDER: (as Natalie) Eeeek! Someone knows I didn't turn on the lights! What am I going to do?  
WILLOW: (as passing girl) Oh, my God! Tosh is dead!  
XANDER: (as Natalie) So what? Someone knows I didn't turn on the lights. Why is the killer doing this to me? Why me? I'm so scared. This is about me. Me, me, me!  
  
FLASH!  
  
ALL: ... 'kay.  
  
INT. DORM HALL - LATER  
  
Two PARAMEDICS push in a stretcher.  
  
SPIKE: (as paramedic) All right, where's the stiff?  
  
A GIRL and her FRIEND stand next to the door.  
  
BUFFY: That takes talent. I've never actually been able to stand next to a door without falling down.  
  
Girl -   
Hey, better check her pulse. She's looked like that for years.  
  
The paramedics roll their eyes and push the stretcher toward Natalie's dorm room. Paul watches them go, a pen and pad in hand.  
  
XANDER: (as Paul, taking notes) ...paramedics rolled eyes. Pushed stretcher toward room. Oh yeah, this'll be a headliner.  
  
Brenda comes down the stairs and walks over to Paul.  
  
WILLOW: ...flashing him to get his attention. (as Brenda) Hi, Paul!  
BUFFY: (as Paul) Whatever. Where's Natalie?  
  
Brenda -   
Hey, Paul.  
  
WILLOW: (as Brenda) Want me to give you a lap dance?  
BUFFY: (as Paul) Uh, no, I'm good.  
  
Paul -   
Hey. How is she?  
  
XANDER: (as Brenda) Tosh? She's dead. So... wanna go out dancing or something tonight?  
  
He looks over at Natalie, who's being questioned by Dean Adams and Reese.  
  
SPIKE: (as Brenda) Oh, her... I don't know. I don't really like her much anyway. Wanna have sex?  
  
Brenda -   
I don't know. I haven't had a chance to talk to her yet.  
  
WILLOW: (as Brenda) I saw her as I came down the stairs, and I was going to go her, I was, really, but then I saw you. So, wanna go see a movie or something?  
XANDER: (as Paul) We have classes. Plus, Natalie's roommate just killed herself, and I have a story to write, and I don't like you.  
WILLOW: (as Brenda) Oh. So ten o'clock tonight good with you?  
  
Paul -   
All right. See you later.  
  
WILLOW: (as Brenda, singing) I have a date with Paul, I have a date with Paul.  
  
Paul walks off down the hall toward Natalie's dorm.   
  
SPIKE: ...Brenda walks out the door, and smacks her face on the door jamb.  
XANDER: (as Brenda) Ow. Uh-oh, I knocked out a toof... I wonder if Paul will notif.  
  
CUT TO:  
  
Dean Adams, Reese, and Natalie. Natalie and Dean Adams sit in chairs, while Reese stands. Natalie takes a sip of her coffee.  
  
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Thanks for the half-fat, decaf, double latte frappacino topped with cinnamon and whipped cream, Dean Adams.  
WILLOW: (as Adams) Can we get back to the dead girl now, please?  
  
Dean Adams -   
Natalie, we know this is hard for you.  
  
WILLOW: (as Natalie) No, it's totally cool. I didn't even like Tosh... one less annoying person in the world is neat. Nifty even.  
  
But we need to know why, if you heard moaning, you didn't turn on the light?  
  
XANDER: (as Natalie) Well, it's like this, Dean... when a man loves a woman... no wait. When a drugged out goth chick IM's any goth guy out there to call her, and they really... dig each other, or something, they have what's called sex. I know you're probably not familiar with it, but--  
SPIKE: (as Adamns) No, I'm not. What is this thing you call sex?  
  
Natalie -   
I had walked in on Tosh having sex before.  
  
SPIKE: (as Natalie) ...and after the first ten times, she stopped asking me to join in 'cause the guy always chose me over her.  
WILLOW: (as Adams) Again, you speak of this thing called, 'sex'... what is it, and where can I get some?  
  
It wasn't something I cared to see again.  
  
BUFFY: (as Adams) Speak for yourself, girl! I want to see this thing called, 'sex'. Reese, take me to this Tosh girl and make her have this sex thing so I can see.  
OTHERS: Ew.  
  
Reese -   
So you never actually saw somebody in the room?  
  
XANDER: (as Natalie, gasps) You mean Tosh wasn't actually there? Then who was moaning?  
BUFFY: (as Adams) Moaning?  
WILLOW: (as Reese) Part of the sex thing, Dean Adams.  
BUFFY: (as Adams) I definitely gotta get me some of that.  
  
Natalie -   
I sensed that --  
  
WILLOW: (as Natalie) ...someone was in there, and giving me the eye. I think her date--I mean, killer--wanted me. Everyone wants me.  
  
Reese -   
No no. Honey,  
  
XANDER: (as Reese) ...you're delusional.  
  
did you see anybody in the room?  
  
Natalie -   
No.  
  
BUFFY: (as Natalie) ...but I know that if someone was in the room, they wanted me.  
  
Dean Adams -   
Natalie, did you know Tosh was manic depressive?  
  
In his hand he holds the bottle of  
  
WILLOW: ...Flintstone vitamins.  
  
Lithium pills.  
  
Natalie -   
She painted half the room black. I had a pretty good idea.  
  
SPIKE: Huh... guess I missed the mark on that one.  
XANDER: Slacker.  
  
Reese -   
There are no signs of foul play. No forced entry.  
  
BUFFY: Ever heard of *knowing* your attacker? It happens.  
WILLOW: (scoffs) Does not.  
BUFFY: No, no, really. It does.  
WILLOW: Mmm-hmm.  
  
Natalie -   
What are you saying?  
  
XANDER: (as Reese) That you're right. Aliens *did* kill tosh!  
  
Dean Adams -   
It appears to be tragic suicide.  
  
WILLOW: Suicide? They actually believe it's a suicide? How idiotic are these people?  
OTHERS: Very.  
  
Natalie -   
No. Tosh didn't kill herself. There was someone else in that room. I mean, "Aren't you glad you didn't turn on the lights?" for Christ's sake?  
  
Dean Adams -   
A very morbid suicide note.  
  
SPIKE: (as Adams) Yes, we believe that Tosh pretended to have sex with someone, then waited until you fell asleep and slit her wrists. Oh, but before bleeding to death, she very quietly, very carefully wrote the words on the wall. In the dark. The end, story over.  
  
Dean Adams stands up and hands the bottle of Lithium pills to Reese.  
  
BUFFY: Haven't they heard of calling the police? Like normal people do when they find someone dead? It's called tampering with evidence. Idiots.  
SPIKE: Yes, because the police are so very smart.  
BUFFY: Granted.  
  
They walk away. Natalie looks over at Brenda. Natalie stands up and starts to walk over to her. Brenda meets her half way.  
  
XANDER: ...and keeps on going when she spots Paul. (as Brenda) Hi, Paul! I thought you left. So, anyway, as I was saying...  
  
Brenda -   
Honey, I am so sorry. Are you okay?  
  
WILLOW: (as Natalie) Uh-huh. Why does everyone keep asking me that? I'm fine. Hated Tosh. She's gone. Equals yay.  
  
They embrace. Brenda suddenly realizes the stupidity of her question.  
  
Brenda - (cont'd)  
Of course not. Stupid question.  
  
BUFFY: (as Brenda) You're very obviously not okay. I mean, hello, I can see the icky lines and dark circles, plus that frown-y thing you're doing with your mouth and eyebrows.  
WILLOW: (to Buffy) Wow, did you just channel Cordy?  
BUFFY: I think I did.  
  
Who would've thought she would do something like that. I mean, she's weird and all--  
  
SPIKE: (as Brenda) ...but, really... who would've thought that she would feel so alone, and unloved that she'd take her own-- Paul! Hi! Let's blow this joint and... if you're nice, I might blow you.  
OTHERS: O_O  
SPIKE: (to Willow) Nothin', huh?  
WILLOW: Oddly enough... nope. It was kinda funny. I think I'm officially corrupted. This can only be a bad thing.  
SPIKE: (grins) Oh no, this is a good thing. I love corrupting the innocent. Gives me the warm tinglies.  
  
Natalie's gaze goes beyond Brenda. Brenda turns and sees  
  
BUFFY: (as Brenda) Shiny wall.  
XANDER: (as Natalie) That's a window, Brenda.  
BUFFY: (as Brenda) Shiny.  
  
the two paramedics pushing the stretcher. A white cloth covers Tosh's body, but there are blood stains where her wrists were slit.  
  
SPIKE: Mmm, I'm gettin' hungry. Be right back. (hops up and leaves for the kitchen)  
OTHERS: (sit and talk while he's gone, trying not to be grossed out)  
SPIKE: (returns a minute later with a mug)  
  
Natalie is clearly shaken. Brenda tries to comfort her.  
  
XANDER: (as Brenda) Um, there, there. Don't, uh... don't cry, I guess.  
BUFFY: (to Xander) Are you sure you didn't make her too consoling? Too caring?  
XANDER: Uh, no, I think I got her just right.  
  
Brenda -   
Okay, Natalie, you want to go somewhere and talk?  
  
WILLOW: (as Brenda) ...not with me though, 'cause, I'm busy, but... I'm sure Tosh wouldn't mind... oh, right. She's dead. Well, how about Damon? He could-- hmm, also dead. We're quickly running out of people here, Nat. Work with me!  
  
Natalie shakes her head.  
  
Natalie -   
No. I just wanna be alone right now.  
  
She heads away, leaving Brenda there to stare after her. She sighs and walks away.  
  
BUFFY: (as Brenda, to herself) I wonder if Paul's still around. Ooo, shiny wall.  
  
EXT. CAMPUS  
  
Natalie walks on a sidewalk,  
  
WILLOW: A lot of people do. She's nothin' special for doing it.  
  
an arched ceiling hovering above her.  
  
SPIKE: Fall, fall, fall, fall.  
  
She stops and leans back against a column.  
  
SPIKE: Break, break, break, break.  
  
In the background, Paul sees her and starts to walk that way.  
  
BUFFY: (sings, imitating Steven Tyler) Walk this way. Talk this way. Walk this way. Talk this way. Just gimme a kiss...  
OTHERS: @_@  
BUFFY: What? (motions zipping her lips) Sorry.  
  
Natalie closes her eyes. Paul walks over to her.  
  
Paul -   
Hey.  
  
XANDER: (as Paul) ...Brenda's not around is she? If she is, I'm outta here. She scares me.  
  
Natalie opens her eyes.  
  
WILLOW: ...and screams. (as Natalie) Christ, Paul, you scared me! You should really get that nose thing fixed.  
  
Natalie -   
Hey.  
  
Paul -   
Look, I know this is a bad time for you. But I gotta ask you a couple of questions.  
  
Natalie anticipated this. She starts to walk away. Paul follows her.  
  
Xander: (as Paul) Arf?  
  
Natalie -   
Paul, no. I'm not doing any interviews.  
  
BUFFY: (as Paul) Um, hello, miss thing, you're not exactly a movie star. I just wanted to see how you were. Bitch.  
  
Paul -   
Hey, if it makes you feel any better, I don't want to talk about Tosh, okay.  
  
He starts to pull a folded piece of paper out of his pocket.  
  
SPIKE: But then he stops?  
  
Paul - (cont'd)  
I just wanted to know if you could tell me a little about this.  
  
WILLOW: (as Natalie) Oh, God, Paul, put that away! Zip your pants back up, and-- (as herself) Oh, no, help me. I'm stuck in the quagmire of ooginess.  
  
He holds it out to Natalie. It's a copy of the yearbook page that Natalie was looking at the other day. Natalie stops walking.  
  
Natalie -   
How did you get that?  
  
Paul -   
I contacted Michelle's high school. Your high school.  
  
He puts the paper back into his pocket.   
  
SPIKE: ...then stops, and brings it back out again. Then stops, and puts it back into his pocket, then--  
XANDER: And we've got the idea.  
  
  
Paul -   
Natalie, why didn't you tell me you knew her?  
  
WILLOW: I think the phrase, 'none of your business' applies here.  
  
Natalie -   
So you can exploit her death more than you are now?  
  
BUFFY: (as Paul) No, no I wanted to exploit it only a little.  
  
Natalie begins walking again. Paul again follows her.  
  
Xander: (as Paul) Arf?  
  
Paul -   
Hey. I'm just doing my job, okay. What am I supposed to do, turn my back on a murder...or a suicide?  
  
Natalie -   
It wasn't a suicide, Paul.  
  
WILLOW: (as Natalie) It was a natural death.  
  
Paul -   
What are you talking about?  
  
SPIKE: (as Natalie) I killed her. Like I'm going to kill you right now. Die, Paul! Die!  
  
Natalie -   
She was murdered. She was murdered just like Michelle, just like Damon.  
  
This is the first Paul has heard about Damon being murdered.  
  
BUFFY: (as Paul) This is the first I have heard about Damon being murdered.  
  
Paul -   
Damon?  
  
BUFFY: (as Paul) Who the heck is Damon? Christ, man, I can't keep all these people and names straight.  
  
Tears well up in Natalie's eyes, and she leans against a column, trying to hide her tears from Paul.  
  
XANDER: (as Natalie) *sniff* *sob* Don't look at me, Paul, I'm crying loudly, but I don't want you to know. *sob* *sniff*  
  
Paul -   
Hey. I don't know what's going on here, but if you like, we can go someplace and talk...off the record.  
  
SPIKE: Is that a metaphor for having sex?  
WILLOW: No. I think it's a metaphor for talking.  
SPIKE: Why talk when you can have sex? Talk is overrated.  
WILLOW: Why have sex when you can talk? Sex is overrated.  
BUFFY:/XANDER: (clear their throats and look away)  
SPIKE: Even your friends disagree with you on that one.  
WILLOW: Actually, so do I... but, I had to come back with something. I was drawing a blank.  
  
INT. PENDLETON NEWSROOM/PAUL'S OFFICE - LATER  
  
The camera slowly pans over to Paul and Natalie.  
  
XANDER: ...who are going at it like animals.  
BUFFY: (as Brenda) Oh! Sorry... didn't realize you were busy, Paul. Um, when you're done doing Natalie you wanna go out with me?  
  
There are two desks in the office. The office is small, and very messy. A bulletin board rests above the other desk. Paul sits in a chair, trying to digest what Natalie just told him. He sighs.  
  
WILLOW: ...then barfs. (as Paul) Couldn't quite digest it. Oh, got some on your blouse. Sorry.  
OTHERS: (loudly) Ew!  
  
Natalie -   
You don't believe me either.  
  
XANDER: (as Natalie) Wah! Nobody believes me. I really did see Teletubbies in Tosh's bed. I did.  
  
Paul -   
It's not that. It's just... the idea of an urban legend serial killer, it's a stretch.  
  
SPIKE: Which is exactly why this movie didn't do well.  
BUFFY: I thought it was because of bad acting.  
XANDER: No, it was bad writing.  
WILLOW: Unh-uh, it was all that and more.  
  
Natalie -   
But don't you think it's possible?  
  
XANDER: (as Paul) No, I don't think it's possible that the Teletubbies killed Michelle, Damon, and Tosh. They're not real. Get a grip.  
  
Paul -   
Yeah, it's possible.  
  
He gets up, walks over to the other desk.  
  
Paul - (cont'd)  
But maybe, uh, maybe the gas station attendant killed Michelle. Maybe Damon's snowboarding. And maybe Tosh just killed herself.   
  
XANDER: Ok, Spike, Buffy, you two are the blood experts. How could they think, after seeing the blood, that Tosh had killed herself? I mean, her wrists were cut after she was dead... doesn't that mean her blood was no longer pumping, and was starting to coagulate, or whatever? So, not much of it would've flowed out, right?  
OTHERS: O_O  
BUFFY: Gross. I don't know.  
SPIKE: Never had much dealings with blood after a body was dead... that was more Dru's thing than mine.  
WILLOW: Depends on how soon after her heart stopped that her wrists were slit.  
  
Natalie -   
Okay.  
  
Paul -   
If it is true, why like this? Why now?  
  
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Duh, this is when the movie takes place. It'd be rather boring if we told the story before, or after the murders. Dummy.  
  
Natalie looks behind Paul, at the bulletin board.  
  
WILLOW: ...jumping when Paul suddenly screams like a girl.  
BUFFY: (as Natalie) What? What happened?  
WILLOW: (as Paul) Huh? Oh, nothing. I just like to scream like a girl every once in a while.  
  
Natalie -   
Tonight's the 25th anniversary.  
  
SPIKE: (as Natalie) My mother's officially been sober for twenty-five years.  
  
Paul looks at the bulletin board. There's a flyer for the Omega Sigma Phi bash.  
  
Paul -   
What's that got to do with anything?  
  
SPIKE: (as Natalie) Oh, I'm just sayin'.  
  
Natalie -   
The Stanley Hall Massacre.  
  
XANDER: (as Natalie) Good times... good times.  
  
Paul -   
I told you that story is not true.  
  
BUFFY: Yes, and since he's the king of the world, he should know. Please.  
  
Natalie -   
Are you sure?  
  
XANDER: (as Paul) Yes. I'm the king of the world, so... pretty much yeah.  
  
INT. RECORD ROOM/STAIRWAY - LATER  
  
Paul and Natalie walk up winding stairs into the record room.  
  
SPIKE: (as Paul) Oh, cool, they've got the Beatles!  
WILLOW: (as Natalie) And Kid Rock!  
XANDER: (as Paul) And CCR!  
BUFFY: (as Natalie) And--ew--Hanson... let's leave.  
SPIKE: (as Paul) Already gone.  
  
Paul -   
All right, if there's any truth to Stanley Hall, it'd be in here.  
  
WILLOW: (as Natalie) With the Hanson records?  
XANDER: (as Paul) I'm ignoring that part. Just... walk around them. Wide around them.  
  
Paul stops at a shelf with yearbooks on it. He starts to look through them. Natalie smiles.  
  
BUFFY: (as Natalie) You're so cute when you're pretending to read.  
  
Natalie -   
So this is where you research all your lurid articles.  
  
WILLOW: (as Paul) Oh, I don't actually do research...  
  
Paul -   
Reality is lurid, all right? I'm just the messenger.  
  
He looks at a stack of yearbooks.  
  
WILLOW: (as Paul) What are these things?  
BUFFY: (as Natalie) They're called 'books'.  
  
Paul -   
'71, '72, '74... Huh. That's weird.  
  
SPIKE: (as Paul) ...I coulda swore there was a number between 72 and 74.  
  
'73's not here.  
  
Out on the stairwell, the janitor begins to  
  
XANDER: ...do difficult ballet steps on the railing.  
OTHERS: Ooo, ahh.  
  
mop. The mop slams against the sides of the stairs. Paul and Natalie walk out of the record room.  
  
SPIKE: (as Paul) Excuse me! We're doing stuff in here. How dare you interrupt us!  
  
Paul -   
Hey, how long you've been working here?  
  
WILLOW: (as janitor) Why?  
XANDER: (as Natalie) Becuase we want to make fun of you, and we need details.  
WILLOW: (as janitor) Ah. Ok.  
  
Janitor -   
Too damn long.  
  
Paul -   
Know anything about Stanley Hall?  
  
The janitor stops, looks up at them.  
  
BUFFY: (as janitor) What the hell is Stanley Hall? Is that a code name for sex, or drugs?  
WILLOW: (as Natalie) You work here and you don't know what Stanley Hall is?  
BUFFY: (as janitor) Lady, I don't even know what day this is, let alone what some kind of hall is?  
  
Janitor -   
I don't know what you're talking about.  
  
He goes back to mopping.  
  
Natalie -   
Did anybody die there?  
  
The janitor stops mopping and starts to descend the steps.  
  
Natalie -   
Please. We really need to know.  
  
XANDER: (as Natalie) We're really ookie, and love morbid things. Tell us, tell us.  
  
The janitor stops, considering. He looks up at them again.  
  
BUFFY: (as janitor) Hell no.  
  
Janitor -   
Talk to Wexler.  
  
INT. COLLEGE BUILDING/OUTSIDE WEXLER'S OFFICE  
  
Natalie knocks on the door. Nothing. She turns to Paul.  
  
WILLOW: (as Natalie, whining) Wah. He's not here! Wah.  
  
Natalie -   
It's his office hours. He should be here.  
  
WILLOW: (as Natalie) But he's not. Wah.  
  
Paul -   
Watch out for a second.  
  
BUFFY: (as Paul) ...I'm gonna blow a bubble.  
XANDER: (as Natalie) Wha--?  
BUFFY: (as Paul) I just got this new bubble gum... it's cheddar flavored!  
OTHERS: Ew, gross!  
  
He moves over to the door. He pulls out a credit card and puts it in the small crack in the door.  
  
WILLOW: (as Natalie) Wow, look at you sticking that thing in there. You're so cool.  
  
After a few seconds, the door opens.  
  
SPIKE: (as Paul, gasps) It's magic! How'd you do that?  
  
Paul turns to Natalie.  
  
Paul -   
Would you look at that.  
  
ALL: No.  
  
He goes inside. Natalie can't believe Paul did that.  
  
XANDER: (as Natalie) I can't believe you did that.  
  
She walks inside and closes the door.  
  
XANDER: (as Natalie) ... but, um, I'll go in anyway.  
  
INT. WEXLER'S OFFICE  
  
Wexler's office is large. Masks and other figurines adorn the room. Paul is at Wexler's desk, looking at all the papers sprawled out on it.  
  
WILLOW: (as Paul) Hey, Nat, you can read, right? Tell me what this says.  
  
Natalie walks over to him.  
  
SPIKE: (as Natalie) It says, 'Paul is an ass'.  
BUFFY: (as Paul) Tee hee, I have one too.  
  
Natalie -   
So, they teach you this in class?  
  
BUFFY: (as Paul) No, I've always known I had an ass.  
  
Paul -   
I dropped journalism ethics early in the semester. It wasn't helping my G.P.A.  
  
BUFFY: (as Paul) ...'cause I had to, like, be nice and stuff. Maybe even not print stories that were mean, 'cause they said it was wrong.  
  
He opens the drawer and starts going through it.  
  
WILLOW: (as Paul) Lipstick... garter... high heels... oh look, Natalie, I think he's a Rocky Horror fan. I bet he's a Dr. Frank-N-Furter!  
OTHERS: (shudder)  
BUFFY: Told you before, no Rocky Horror jokes.  
  
Natalie sees three doors across the room. She walks over to them. She opens the first one.  
  
XANDER: (as game show host) Let's see what's behind door number one!  
  
Inside is nothing but books.  
  
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Scary.  
  
She closes the door and walks over to the second one.  
  
XANDER: (as game show host) What's behind door number two?  
  
She opens the door. Again, nothing but books.  
  
BUFFY: (as Natalie) I'm afraid now.  
  
Natalie goes to the third door.  
  
XANDER: (as game show host) Open door number three!  
  
It has no door knob. She pushes it open and comes face to face with...  
  
SPIKE: ...Bugs Bunny!  
OTHERS: Ahh!  
  
THE KILLER!  
  
SPIKE: Oh, is that all?  
BUFFY: Wimps.  
WILLOW: You two are scary.  
XANDER: Lots.  
  
She gasps and backs up. Paul looks up, but sighs.  
  
WILLOW: (as Paul) Damn it, you're not dead yet? Come on, Killer, kill her.  
  
It's only a parka hanging on a rack. Natalie steps inside,  
  
BUFFY: ...the parka, and frowns. (as Natalie) Um, Paul, could you help me? I seem to be stuck in a coat.  
  
eyeing the parka warily.  
  
SPIKE: (as Natalie) You stay away from me, you evil parka, you.  
  
Inside the closet is a shelf with books, a stuffed fox, along with other creepy things.  
  
XANDER: ...like a leather corset similar to the one in Rocky Horror--  
BUFFY: (clears her throat warningly) Don't.  
XANDER: Why not?  
BUFFY: It's creepy, ok? That movie creeped me out. Ok, everyone have a good laugh, and let's get past this, all right?  
OTHERS: O_O  
BUFFY: No laughing?  
OTHERS: (shake their heads)  
BUFFY: Oh. Cool.  
  
Natalie's eyes wander down to the ground. She sees an axe resting against a shelf.  
  
Natalie -   
Paul!  
  
WILLOW: (as Natalie) ...that axe just tried to kill me. Get it! Get it!  
  
Paul walks around the desk and into the closet.  
  
BUFFY: (as Paul) Wow, check out the decor in here... I'm never leaving this place, you can not, no matter how hard you try, get me to come out of the closet.  
WILLOW: (to Buffy) Thinking he's gay?  
BUFFY: (shrugs) Thinking he's a goofball.  
  
He sees the axe.  
  
Paul -   
Oh, shit.  
  
SPIKE: (as Paul) ...you're on your own with that thing, Natalie. That's the meanest looking axe I've ever seen.  
  
EXT. WEXLER'S OFFICE  
  
Wexler unlocks the door and opens it.  
  
XANDER: (as Wexler) I think I have time for a little dress up before my meeting with the board... leather corset, here I come!  
  
INT. WEXLER'S OFFICE  
  
Paul quickly and quietly closes the door. They hear footsteps in the room. They both tense up, hoping that Wexler won't look in the closet. They hear a door open, then close. Silence. They both sigh, relieved.  
  
SPIKE: Wow, all that suspense and tension... I'm worn out.  
BUFFY: Me too.  
WILLOW: Oh, absolutely.  
XANDER: Uh-huh, fer sure.  
  
Paul opens the door and sticks his head out,  
  
XANDER: ...sadly, Wexler's still there, and just out of spite, excersising his right to defend himself, Wexler uses the axe to chop off Paul's head. Scene!  
WILLOW: Um, the axe is in the closet with Natalie and Paul.  
XANDER: Then Wexler uses a pocket knife.  
BUFFY: I did that once. Major yuckiness ensued.  
SPIKE/WILLOW: O_O  
XANDER: Yup, I remember you told me that. I still have bad images.  
  
searching the room.  
  
Natalie -   
Is he gone?  
  
WILLOW: (as Natalie, loudly) Well, Paul? Is he gone? Huh? Is he? Paul, answer me!  
XANDER: (as Paul, loudly) I'm still looking, Natalie! Give me a second! Oh, wait, I think I saw some movement!  
WILLOW: (as Natalie, still loud) Oh! Ok! Let's shut the door and be quiet then!  
XANDER: (as Paul, loud) Ok! Hope I don't slam this door as I'm shutting it! *slam!* Oops! I did!  
  
Paul -   
Yeah.  
  
SPIKE: (as Paul) ...I actually do use my brain. Why? Don't you?  
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Not usually, no.  
  
They step out of the closet.  
  
Paul -   
Whew.  
  
XANDER: (as Paul) ...that was close. I almost didn't make that step out... could've broken my neck taking that step. Whew.  
  
Natalie grabs the door to the bookcase and closes it, revealing...  
  
WILLOW: ...a squirrel! (as squirrel) Booga-booga. Boo. Rowr... pfft. (to others) Nothin', huh?  
OTHERS: No.  
  
WEXLER!  
  
Natalie gasps.  
  
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Good Lord, Wexler, you're really oogie looking. That nose hair is horrifying!  
  
Wexler -   
Something I can help you with?  
  
BUFFY: (as Natalie) You could trim that nose hair.  
WILLOW: (as Paul) Definitely the nose hair.  
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Oh yeah. The nose hair.  
WILLOW: (as Paul) Yep. Nose hair. Gotta go.  
  
INT. DEAN ADAM'S OFFICE - LATER  
  
Natalie and Paul sit in front of Dean Adams's desk, while Reese and Wexler stand behind them.  
  
Dean Adams -   
You two break into a professor's office, then have the audacity to accuse him of murder?  
  
XANDER: (as Adams) ...and then tell him to trim his nose hair? What's wrong with you people?  
  
Natalie -   
We found the axe.  
  
XANDER: (as Adams, confused) For him to trim his nose hair with?  
SPIKE: (as Wexler) Hey!  
  
Wexler -   
That is a prop I use in my folklore class. How can you even suggest that I had anything to do with that girl's death?  
  
SPIKE: (as Wexler) ...I never touched that girl. I only killed a few people a couple of years back, had nothing to do with this rash of murders.  
XANDER: (as Adams) Oh, then you're free to go.  
  
Paul -   
Why don't you tell us about the Stanley Hall Massacre?  
  
WILLOW: (as Wexler) It was a massacre that happened at Stanley Hall.  
XANDER: (as Adams) Oh, that clears it up then, you're free to go.  
  
Wexler immediately turns to look at him. Dean Adams's expression   
changes to mild surprise and horror. He's obviously covering something up.  
  
XANDER: (as Adams) Tee hee, they have no idea I'm wearing women's underwear.  
SPIKE: (as Wexler) You do know we can hear you when you open your mouth and sound comes out, right Dean Adams?  
XANDER: (as Adams) Tee hee... oh, oops. I always forget that.  
  
Dean Adams -   
Professor Wexler, Reese, may I have a word alone with them?  
  
WILLOW: (as Adams) Don't worry, Reese, I'll only hurt them a little.  
BUFFY: (as Reese) That's illegal, sir.  
WILLOW: (as Adams) Was there a point to that comment, aside from giving me a shower with sound?  
  
Reese and Wexler walk out of his office. Natalie knows something's about to happen.  
  
Dean Adams -   
Natalie, after out talk this morning, I decided to look at your   
personal file.  
  
He picks up a manilla folder off the desk and opens it. He looks at it then sets it back on his desk.  
  
XANDER: (as Adams) It says here that you used a blue crayon when you were five, and that you colored out of the lines on more than one occasion... What am I to do with you?  
  
Dean Adams - (cont'd)  
Probation for reckless endangerment?  
  
Natalie -   
It was only for a year. I'd already been accepted here.  
  
BUFFY: (laughing) I seriously know how she feels, 'cause frankly, been there, done that, but I burned down a school gym to kill vampires. She's acting like it's no big deal, and unless they're going to introduce vampire into the movie at this late stage... I think she should show a little more guilt, or at least pretend like it mattered.  
WILLOW: Yeah. As a heroine, she sucks. I feel no empathy for her whatsoever.  
  
Dean Adams -   
Which was lucky, since we don't usually accept students with a criminal record.  
  
Paul looks away from Natalie, feeling betrayed.  
  
SPIKE: (as Paul) I feel betrayed. Bad, natalie!  
  
Dean Adams -   
As for you young man, you're off the paper effective immediately.  
  
XANDER: (as Paul) But, gee, Mr. White, can't you just overlook my stupidity this once?  
  
Paul -   
No, no, no, you can't do that. Read the charter. The dean can't dictate editorial policy.  
  
SPIKE: (as Adams) No problem then. I'm not the dean... oh, wait. Yes, I am. Damn it. Foiled again.  
  
Dean Adams -   
I didn't fire you. Your editor did. We spoke on the phone an hour ago. Have a good weekend.  
  
WILLOW: Then the dean did fire him... he talked to the editor, who fired Paul. Therefore, the dean was responible.  
OTHERS: So?  
WILLOW: I'm just sayin'.  
  
He leans back in his chair.  
  
SPIKE: (as Adams) Damn I'm cool.  
  
EXT. COLLEGE BUILDING   
  
Natalie throws open the door  
  
BUFFY: (as Natalie) I'm free... yay.  
  
and starts down the steps, Paul right behind her.  
  
Paul -   
What was all that about? Reckless endangerment? We're not exactly   
talking about running a stop sign here, are we, Natalie?  
  
Natalie -   
I really don't want to talk about it!  
  
WILLOW: (as Natalie) Leave me and my non-guilt alone. Wah!  
  
Paul -   
Oh, okay.  
  
XANDER: He gave up easily enough.  
  
What do you want to talk about? My career options without a body of writing samples? Because, for your information, Natalie, they're kinda limited!  
  
XANDER: Ok, that's better. Let her have it, Paul! Kick her ass.  
  
Natalie -   
It was in high school, Paul! It's over!  
  
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Drag it out of me, Paul, then I can tell you and get your sympathy and be whiny. Wah!  
  
Paul -   
Look, does this have something to do with Michelle Mancini?   
  
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Wah! No! It has to do with me! I mean... sure, she was there and all, but it was all about me, me, me!  
  
Natalie doesn't answer him.  
  
Paul -   
Hey, I just want to know what's going on here... 'cause I don't know if I buy it anymore. I don't know if I ever bought it.  
  
WILLOW: (as Paul) ...'cause you're really expensive, and I'm not sure I can afford you. There's a cheaper hooker down the street with tons less baggage, so... sayonara, Nat.  
  
Paul walks off without another word being said.  
  
INT. SWIMMING POOL AREA/GYM - LATER  
  
Brenda, wearing only a bathing suit and swim cap, stands by the pool. She jumps in and starts swimming.  
  
XANDER: ...as one usually does in a swimming pool.  
BUFFY: ...tragically, she didn't bother to look down to see if there was any water in the pool. There wasn't, and she totally died.  
WILLOW: (winces) Ow. Painful way to go.  
BUFFY: Totally.  
WILLOW: You stuck on that word like Xander was with dude?  
BUFFY: (nods emphatically) Totally.  
  
EXT. COLLEGE CAMPUS  
  
XANDER: Hey, wait a minute! Why are we at a college campus? Haven't we been on the set of a soap opera?  
SPIKE: (as t.v. announcer) Welcome back to... Passions.  
WILLOW: No, it's General Hospital.  
XANDER: Nah, it's As the World Turns.  
BUFFY: No way, it's totally All My Children.  
  
Natalie walks toward the gym.  
  
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Gotta take care of these bye-bye arms.  
  
INT. SWIMMING POOL AREA/GYM  
  
Brenda continues to swim.  
  
SPIKE: Well, no crap. Was she supposed to stop because Natalie's on her way... which she has no way of knowing about?  
  
EXT. COLLEGE CAMPUS  
  
Natalie starts to walk up the steps to the gym.  
  
WILLOW: ...but trips over her feet, and falls on her face. Scene!  
  
Weather Woman - (v.o.)  
It's gonna be a wet one out there tonight.  
  
INT. SWIMMING POOL AREA/GYM  
  
Brenda continues to swim.  
  
BUFFY: (as Brenda) Good thing I'm swimming then! Tee hee!  
  
Weather Woman - (v.o.)  
The storm is expected to bring four inches of rain...  
  
XANDER: (as weather woman) ...a cat, and a few dogs. Mostly it'll just bring rain, but still. Be on the lookout. Maybe some frogs... could bring anything. You never know.  
  
INT. ROOM OVERLOOKING POOL  
  
Natalie walks into the room. A T.V. is on. The weather woman continues to broadcast the news.  
  
Weather Woman -   
And 30-mile per hour wind throughout most of New England. Local   
authorities are advising everyone to stay inside. If you do have to go outside, make sure you grab a slicker.  
  
SPIKE: Rain and 30 mph winds, and they're advising people to stay inside? How wimpy are these people?  
OTHERS: Extremely.  
  
Natalie goes over to the window and watches Brenda swim.  
  
WILLOW: (as Brenda) Shiny water.  
  
Brenda reaches the other side of the pool, and shoves off of the wall, headed in the other direction. A figure appears at one of the doors to the pool. The door opens and Natalie sees  
  
XANDER: ...Al Roker!  
OTHERS: Ahh!  
  
THE KILLER!  
  
ALL: Yay!  
  
Natalie gasps and starts  
  
SPIKE: ...touching herself... she's turned on by killers and Al Roker.  
OTHERS: (vehemently) Ew!  
  
banging on the window.  
  
Natalie -   
Brenda!  
  
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Brenda, look up here, shiny stuff, Brenda. Shiny.  
  
Brenda continues to swim, unaware of the killer walking beside the pool.   
  
Natalie runs over to one of the doors, tries to push it open but can't.  
  
WILLOW: (as Natalie) Unh! I'm too weak. I need to bolster my strength with crow meat! It does a body good.  
OTHERS: O_O  
WILLOW: Feeling kinda random.  
  
She runs over to the other door, but it's also locked. She runs back over to the window and pounds on it.  
  
SPIKE: ...then she runs back over to the doors, then the window, round and round like a dog trapped inside a house.  
WILLOW: (giggles) Arf!  
BUFFY: Feeling kinda giggly too?  
WILLOW: Pretty much, yeah.  
  
Natalie -   
Brenda!  
  
XANDER: (as Natalie) Up here, Natalie! Shiny! Up here.  
  
Brenda has almost reached the end of the pool, right where the killer is standing. The killer starts to unzip his coat. Brenda reaches the end of the pool and starts to pull herself up.  
  
Natalie looks around for something, anything, and sees a chair.  
  
BUFFY: Not a chair! Anything but the chair. Don't kill the chair.  
  
She grabs it and smashes it against the window.   
  
Brenda looks up at Natalie, who sees that the person in the parka is not the killer, just a WOMAN.  
  
BUFFY: *Just* a woman? Excuse me! I take extreme umbrage at that.  
  
Brenda exchanges glances with the woman.  
  
SPIKE: (as Brenda) Look, shiny.  
WILLOW: (as woman) That's a window, Brenda.  
SPIKE: (as Brenda) Shiny.  
  
INT. LOCKER ROOM  
  
Brenda, fully dressed.  
  
ALL: ...kay.  
  
walks alongside Natalie.  
  
Brenda -   
Natalie, nothing is going to happen to me. Why do you keep doing this to yourself? Look at you.  
  
WILLOW: (as Brenda) You look all oogie, and icky.  
  
You gotta stop this.  
  
SPIKE: (as Natalie) But it's so much fun.  
  
Brenda walks over to her locker  
  
BUFFY: ...and bangs her head on it repeatedly.  
  
while Natalie sits down on a bench.  
  
BUFFY: ...and twiddles her thumbs.  
  
Natalie -   
I knew Michelle Mancini.  
  
WILLOW: (as Brenda) Oh, was she a thumb twiddler too?  
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Not really.  
XANDER: (to Buffy) Um... guys? You're kinda getting...  
SPIKE: Lame. Both of you. Very lame  
WILLOW: I know... I think I've lost my inspiration to mock.  
BUFFY: Me too. Let's take a break for a while.  
  
  
_______________________________________________________________________________________________  
  
  
End part 4. Fasten your seatbelts and proceed to part 5. 


	5. Urbans Legends Are Parodies Too (part 5)

Urban Legends Are Parodies Too (part 5)  
  
an MST3K of  
  
Urban Legends  
  
by sinecure  
  
  
_______________________________________________________________________________________________  
  
  
They all stood as one, stretching and bending to relieve the stiffness in their sore, and tired muscles. Buffy sighed and headed into the kitchen for some yogurt. White chocolate and raspberry would do just fine, thank you. She sat on one of the stools at the butcher block island and slowly enjoyed her yogurt and a bottle of water.  
  
Willow joined her a few minutes later, carrying a plain red book with no title. She set the book on the counter, grabbed a coke, and sat across from Buffy with a smile. "Hi."  
  
Buffy grinned at the unabashed smile on Willow's face and swallowed another spoonful of yogurt. "Right back at ya. Join me in a carton of creamy goodness?"  
  
"No thanks. Me and my coke are good." She nooded to the book as she opened the can of soda. "I asked for that the first night here. It's sort of a journal."  
  
Finishing her yogurt with a few final licks to her spoon, she tossed the empty cup into the trash and set the spoon in the sink. "Any interesting little tidbits I should know about?"  
  
Willow nodded and shrugged. "Um, yes? I mean... ok, when we first got here, we were all about finding a way out of here. But now..."  
  
"Now?" Buffy inquired.  
  
"Not so much," Willow answered. "In fact, I'd say hardly at all. And we've kinda lost all interest in figuring out where here is... and who has us here... and, well, anything. We're sort of--"  
  
"Not doing much of anything except reading movie scripts," Buffy finished with a nod. "True, but, I can't seem to care too much. I mean, sometimes I think, 'We need to get out of here' and then I just... stop caring, and think, 'Does it really matter? We're here, so let's just enjoy it'.  
  
"Me too," Willow agreed. "Like right now." She shrugged, picked up her book, and nodded toward the front room. "Let's go finish that thing."  
  
Buffy sighed and followed her friend into the front room and sat in her usual seat. They all did. No one seemed to want to change the seating arrangements anytime soon. Oh, well.  
  
  
_______________________________________________________________________________________________  
  
  
This stops Brenda.  
  
XANDER: What stops Brenda? There's something out there that stops Brenda? Wow... I want whatever it is.  
  
She turns to Natalie.  
  
WILLOW: (as Brenda) Who are you again?  
  
Natalie -   
We went to high school together.  
  
WILLOW: (as Brenda) Me and you? Really?  
  
Brenda closes her locker.  
  
Natalie -   
We haven't spoken in two years.  
  
WILLOW: (as Brenda) Oh, no wonder I don't remember you. Ooo... shiny locker.  
  
Brenda walks over to Natalie and sits next to her.  
  
Brenda -   
Why?  
  
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Why are you sitting next to me? I don't know.  
  
FLASH!  
  
ALL: Ahh!  
SPIKE: Stop that, damn it.  
  
Natalie is having a flashback.  
  
SPIKE: Well thank you for the explanation, now stop doing it.  
XANDER: I want to do that too. Have flashbacks heralded by FLASHES.  
BUFFY: (to Xander) If you do, I'll have to take you out.  
XANDER: (shocked) You'd kill me?  
BUFFY: (laughs) No, take you out with me to patrol. You'd scare the vamps and demons... or at least startle them for a minute.  
  
We are in her car. Michelle is driving.  
  
WILLOW: Oh... she shouldn't do that. Not without a head. She could hurt someone.  
SPIKE: (to Willow) This is a flashback... I think she still has her head.  
WILLOW: Oh... well, she shouldn't just spontaneously re-grow her head either. It's creepy.  
SPIKE: You do understand the nature of a flashback don't you?  
WILLOW: Shh. I'm being witty, and there's not much here to do the wit with.  
SPIKE: (shakes his head) You're a strange one.  
WILLOW: (grins) Thank you.  
  
Natalie -   
We were in my car one night. Michelle was driving.  
  
BUFFY: I think they're in a car. And Michelle is driving.  
XANDER: (scoffs) I don't know...  
BUFFY: (points) But it says so... twice.  
  
FLASH!  
  
SPIKE: I said stop that!  
  
Back to the present.  
  
Natalie - (cont'd)  
The story about the gang high beam initiation was going around.  
  
BUFFY: (as Natalie) ...telling people that it was rich, and a football star, just to sleep with women.  
WILLOW: Bad story! Bad, bad story!  
  
FLASH!  
  
SPIKE: (growls) Bloody hell, you listen here, you stupid--  
WILLOW: (to Spike) Just a script. Not real. They actually can't hear you right now.  
SPIKE: (takes a deep breath, then glares at Willow)  
WILLOW: (sighs)  
  
We are back in Natalie's car.  
  
XANDER: (as talk show host) And we're back in Natalie's car. Let's watch as they do something stupid, and something bad happens.  
  
Natalie and Michelle are talking.  
  
Natalie - (cont'd)  
Michelle wanted to play a practical joke.  
  
BUFFY: (as Natalie) She wanted to put shaving cream in someone's hand while they were driving, and-- it was just a really stupid idea. So, I came up with the idea to call a pizza place and order a bunch of pizzas sent to--  
WILLOW: (as Brenda) Ooo, shiny. Look, Natalie. Shiny window.  
BUFFY: (as Natalie) I hate you, Brenda.  
  
FLASH!  
  
SPIKE: (snarls) Was there a name attached to this script?  
XANDER: (looks at the title page) Nope.  
SPIKE: I need to kill someone for this crap... (turns to the others) so, who's it gonna be?  
BUFFY: (chuckles) Right, Mr. Unable-to-hurt-any-living-thing.  
WILLOW: Don't look at me.  
XANDER: (rolls his eyes) I wonder if you'd actually kill us if you could.  
SPIKE: (vamps out) I would.  
OTHERS: Uh-huh.  
  
Back to Brenda and Natalie.  
  
BUFFY: Yes, let us get back to Brenda and Natalie. We feel Brenda-and-Natalie deprived.  
  
Natalie - (cont'd)  
So she turned off the head lights and waited for the first car to pass by and flash us.  
  
WILLOW: So what, they just drove down the road, waiting and hoping that someone would flash them?  
SPIKE: Their headlights, Witch... she means their headlights.  
WILLOW: (grins) I know.  
  
FLASH!  
  
SPIKE: (snarls)  
WILLOW: Oh, look! Someone just flashed us!  
  
A car drives down the road. It flashes Michelle and Natalie. In the car, Michelle goes ecstatic.  
  
BUFFY: (as Michelle, ecstatic) Oh, my God! Somebody finally flashed us... I can't believe it. I finally got to see naked butt!  
SPIKE: Headlights, people... they're talking about headlights.  
BUFFY: (grins) I know.  
SPIKE: Wait a minute, I'm the one who's supposed to be making naked comments.  
WILLOW: You were slacking.  
BUFFY: We're just taking up the slack.  
  
Natalie - (cont'd)  
When somebody finally did, she made a U-turn and started chasing him.  
  
XANDER: (as Michelle) Arf! Come back here, you car, you.  
  
Natalie's car makes a U-turn on the road and follows the other car, flashing the high beams.  
  
Natalie - (cont'd)  
Flashing her high beams, laughing.  
  
BUFFY: I think the high beams got flashed. What do you think?  
OTHERS: Nah!  
  
The man in the other car tries to look through his rear view mirror, but the lights blind him.  
  
XANDER: Shouldn't he be watching the road in front of him, rather than behind him? I find driving to be easier that way.  
  
Natalie - (cont'd)  
I was laughing too, at first...  
  
WILLOW: (as Natalie) Hahaha, it's funny that he can't see and is scared to death. Funny.  
  
FLASH!  
  
SPIKE: (snarls)  
  
Back to Brenda and Natalie.  
  
WILLOW: (as Brenda) Shiny--  
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Shut up, Brenda.  
  
Natalie - (cont'd)  
But then we started going really fast.   
  
FLASH!  
  
SPIKE: Ok! We get the idea!  
  
Natalie's car speeds down the road, flashing its lights.   
  
FLASH!  
  
Natalie continues her story, pained.  
  
SPIKE: Not as pained as me with these damn flashes.  
  
Natalie - (cont'd)  
I wanted to tell her to stop...  
  
XANDER: (as Natalie) ...but I'm a wimp, and she was mean.  
  
FLASH!  
  
Natalie sits in her car, not saying anything.  
  
BUFFY: (as Natalie) I'm not saying anything.  
  
Natalie - (cont'd)  
But I just sat there.  
  
BUFFY: (as Natalie) ...not saying anything.  
XANDER: (as Natalie) 'Cause of the whole wimp factor and all.  
  
The man in the other car continues to look in the rear view mirror, blinded. He is obviously frightened.  
  
XANDER: I'm telling you, dude, looking forward is the better thing to do. Less crashing that way.  
  
Natalie - (cont'd)  
Then the other car lost control and veered off the road.  
  
XANDER: Told ya.  
  
In Natalie's car, Natalie and Michelle sit stoned face,  
  
WILLOW: Oh, isn't that cute? They've got 'stoned face'. It's kinda like Bitter Beer Face... only not.  
  
not wanting to believe what they just saw.  
  
BUFFY: (as Natalie) What did I just see?  
WILLOW: (as Michelle) I don't know, but I don't want to believe it.  
  
FLASH!  
  
SPIKE: That's it. Tell me when the flashing's over. I'm getting some blood. (gets up and leaves the room)  
OTHERS: (watch him go)  
  
Natalie is almost to tears,  
  
XANDER: (as Natalie) Wait, wait, I can do it, I know I can. Just give me a second. If all else fails, I'll poke myself in the eye.  
  
remembering that night.  
  
Natalie - (cont'd)  
He- he- He was our age.  
  
WILLOW: O-- o-- ok.  
  
FLASH!  
  
Police are everywhere. We see the man laying on the ground, his head cracked open.  
  
BUFFY: (as Natalie) I didn't want to get out of the car and hit him over the head with a rock twenty times... but Michelle said to do it, and... well, that whole wimpy thing came into play again.  
  
Natalie - (cont'd)  
By the time the police got there, he was dead.  
  
WILLOW: He's dead, Jim!  
  
We pan over to Michelle and Natalie. Michelle is talking with a police officer, while Natalie stands there, stone faced. Her hands are pressed to the sides of her head.  
  
XANDER: (as Natalie) Must... keep... brains... in.  
  
Natalie - (cont'd)  
The courts were lenient with us. We only got probation.  
  
BUFFY: (as Natalie) I mean... seriously, we only killed a guy. No biggie.  
  
FLASH!  
  
A few tears stream down Natalie's face.  
  
XANDER: (as Natalie) See? Told you I could do it.  
WILLOW: (yelling) All done, Spike. You can come back now.  
SPIKE: No.  
BUFFY: Yes. If we have to, then you have to.  
SPIKE: (grumbles, but sits down)  
  
Natalie - (cont'd)  
I was never able to forgive her for what she did. I guess I wasn't able to forgive myself for not doing more to stop it.  
  
WILLOW: (as Natalie) ...'cause, you know, I could've done something, but I chose to do nothing, so...  
BUFFY: (as Brenda) No. You couldn't have done anything... I mean, what were you supposed to do? Say, 'No, Michelle, we can't do this'? That is asking too much from one person. It's not your fault.  
WILLOW: (as Natalie) Really?  
BUFFY: (as Brenda) No. Bye. I've got some Paul ogling to do, and some shiny things to stare at.  
  
Brenda -   
Oh my God. How awful...for everyone.  
  
SPIKE: (as Brenda) ...especially for me.  
BUFFY: (as Natalie) But you weren't even there.  
SPIKE: (as Brenda) What's your point?  
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Um, nothing.  
SPIKE: (as Brenda) That's a good wimp.  
  
Natalie nods.  
  
Natalie -   
Yeah.  
  
INT. CORRIDOR - LATER  
  
Natalie and Brenda walk down the corridor, heading outside.  
  
Natalie -   
I don't know. Maybe I should go home for a few weeks.  
  
SPIKE: (as Brenda) Yep. Running away is just what you should do.  
  
Brenda -   
Natalie, come on. You need to relax, have some fun, and come to the party, okay? Please?  
  
Natalie -   
Okay. Promise you won't leave me alone?  
  
WILLOW: (as Brenda) Ugh, can you say 'needy'? Nevermind. Go home, have fun.  
  
Brenda -   
I promise. Unless, of course, I hook up with some  
  
XANDER: (as Brenda) ...foreign exchange student with shiny things. Then you're on your own.  
  
cute, blue eyed journalist. Then you might have to fend for yourself.   
  
They both giggle.  
  
WILLOW: (as Brenda) Tee hee.  
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Tee hee.  
WILLOW: (as Brenda) We're so cute.  
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Totally cute.  
  
INT. PAUL'S OFFICE - LATER - NIGHT  
  
Paul goes through his desk, packing.  
  
XANDER: (as Paul) Let's see... one pencil, one pen, a piece of paper, and a strip of tape. All packed.  
  
He throws some folders into a box. The janitor appears, unnoticed by Paul. He opens his drawer, and pulls out a  
  
BUFFY: Ack! No! Don't do it, Mr. Janitor! Please, I beg of you.  
SPIKE: That's Paul opening his drawers, and pulling things out.  
BUFFY: Oh. Um, don't do it, Paul! Please, I beg of you. Keep any and all things from your drawers *in* your drawers.  
SPIKE: That's his dresser drawers he's pulling things from.  
BUFFY: Oh. Paul... keep that... um, stuff... away, and... stuff.  
OTHERS: O_O  
BUFFY: (shrugs) Wind. Sails. Out.  
  
folder. Underneath is a newspaper.  
  
XANDER: (as Paul, angry) All right! Who put this newspaper here? A newsroom is no place for a newspaper!  
  
It has a picture of a young William Wexler, with a headline that reads  
  
XANDER: "William Wexler, Carpet Cleaner to the Stars!"  
  
"Sole survivor William Wexler." Paul is intrigued and takes it out. He unfolds it and reads the top headline. "Massacre at Stanley Hall." Over to the side is a picture of Stanley Hall.  
  
XANDER: "William Wexler cleaned all the bloody carpets left behind by the massacre at Stanley Hall..."  
WILLOW: (pats Xander's arm) Ok. That'll do, pig, that'll do.  
  
The janitor starts to leave. Paul looks up and sees him leave. Paul silently thanks him. He knows what he has to do.  
  
SPIKE: (as Paul) I must kill everyone.  
  
INT. PARKING GARAGE - LATER  
  
Dean Adams walks to his car.  
  
WILLOW: Why doesn't he take one of those little golf carts to his car?  
OTHERS: O_O  
WILLOW: Well he could, you know.  
  
Most of the place is dark, and Dean Adams's car is one of the few left. Dean Adams presses a button on his automatic door lock.  
  
XANDER: ...and his car blows up.  
  
His car beeps,  
  
XANDER: ...then blows up.  
  
unlocking. Dean Adams is about to open his car.  
  
XANDER: ...but it blows up.  
  
He stops,  
  
XANDER: ...as it blows up.  
  
and looks into his backseat.  
  
XANDER: ...just as it blows up.  
  
DEAN ADAMS'S POV  
  
His back seat is empty.  
  
XANDER: ...but the car blows up.  
OTHERS: O_O  
SPIKE: Get over it. It's obviously not gonna happen.  
XANDER: One has to have dreams.  
  
NORMAL VIEW  
  
Dean Adams shakes his head, and goes to open his car door again.   
Suddenly,  
  
XANDER: ...it blows up.  
  
a hand grabs his shoulder! He spins around to see...  
  
XANDER: ...a car blow up.  
BUFFY: (laughs) Xander!  
WILLOW: (laughing) Stop it!  
  
REESE!  
  
He gasps, frightened.  
  
SPIKE: (as Adams) Good Lord, Reese, you're frightening to behold. Leave my sight!  
  
Dean Adams -   
Don't do that.  
  
WILLOW: (as Adams) ...only clowns can do that. Otherwise it's icky.  
  
Reese -   
Sorry, Dean. A little jumpy?  
  
BUFFY: (as Adams) No, I'm a little hoppy... there's a difference, and you'd do well to remember that.  
  
Dean Adams - (lying)  
No, not at all.  
  
He thinks of some excuse to explain his behavior.  
  
Dean Adams - (cont'd)  
Just...thinking.  
  
BUFFY: He's thinking, therefore he yells 'Don't do that' at Reese? Makes sense to me. His buff reputation is totally secure.  
  
Reese nods.  
  
WILLOW: ...thinking to herself, 'yeah, right, you blustery old fool'.  
  
Reese -   
Me too. It wouldn't be a bad idea to add on a few extra guards this weekend. Just in case.  
  
Dean Adams -   
In case what?  
  
XANDER: (as Reese) Well, duh. In case the fish start walking and go on a rampage. Duh.  
WILLOW: Duh.  
BUFFY: Duh.  
SPIKE: Riii-iiiight.  
WILLOW: And Dr. Evil makes another appearance.  
  
Reese -   
After the suicide and what happened to that Mancini girl-- Now I'm having trouble locating a boy named Damon Brooks. He's been missing for some days now.  
  
BUFFY: (to Reese) Oh, I can help you out with that one. He's dead.  
  
Dean Adams -   
Missing? He's not missing. It's the weekend. He's probably shacked up in some motel with a girl. Or a guy, farm animal, whatever.  
  
XANDER: Dude. Yuck.  
SPIKE: Agreed.  
WILLOW/BUFFY: (exchange grossed-out looks)  
  
Reese gives him a look.  
  
WILLOW: We're with ya on that one, Reese.  
BUFFY: Absolutely.  
  
Dean Adams -   
Weren't you ever eighteen?  
  
BUFFY: If that's what he did when he was eighteen... I'm thinking the generation gap is wider than we thought. And thank God.  
  
Reese -   
Not that kind of eighteen.  
  
Dean Adams -   
My point is, I don't want you overreacting. Don't contact any one   
without my permission.  
  
SPIKE: (as Adams) Because I'm God, you know.  
  
Reese nods.  
  
Dean Adams - (cont'd)  
No parents, no police. Is that understood?  
  
WILLOW: (as Adams) I don't care if people are getting killed left and right. Call me first.  
  
Reese nods.  
  
Reese -   
Understood. Good night, sir.  
  
XANDER: And what she really meant to say was...?  
BUFFY: Take off, you hosier.  
  
Dean Adams smiles and turns back to his car. Reese mouths the words "ass hole" and turns and walks away.  
  
XANDER: Oh, and you were wrong, Buffy. Willow, show her what she could've won!  
WILLOW: (blinks at him)  
XANDER: Or not.  
  
Dean Adams looks at the back seat again, but shakes his head. Nobody could've snuck into his car. Suddenly, there's a clinking noise in the background. Dean Adams spins around, horrified. He looks around, but it's too dark. He can't see anything.  
  
BUFFY: He should try opening his eyes. That always helps me.  
  
Suddenly, a knife appears from under his car and slices his ankles!  
  
WILLOW: Attack of the Killer Knives! Run!  
  
Dean Adams screams and drops to the ground.  
  
WILLOW: I said to run, not drop to the ground, dummy.  
  
He looks at his ankles and sees blood pouring out from them. He gasps and starts to crawl away from the car.  
  
SPIKE: (snorts) Yeah, you'll get far that way.  
  
The killer crawls out from under the car and stands up. Dean Adams crawls past the front of his car. The killer  
  
SPIKE: ...strolls away, strolls back, takes a few laps around the parking garage, and then takes a nap.  
WILLOW: (as Adams) I've almost made it ten feet now.  
  
walks over to his car and opens the door. He reaches inside and flicks a button.  
  
FLASH!  
  
SPIKE: Oh, no you don't. Not that again!  
  
The lights come on. Dean Adams stops crawling and looks behind him. The killer pulls a lever marked with a "P."  
  
BUFFY: This death has been brought to you by the letter, 'P'.  
  
The car starts to roll forward. The killer walks along side it.  
  
WILLOW: (as killer) Like my pet car? I call her Fluffy.  
  
Dean Adams continues to crawl, panting.  
  
XANDER: (as Adams) Arf, arf!  
  
The car gets closer, closer. The killer's footsteps echo throughout the garage.  
  
ALL: (yawn)  
SPIKE: And to answer the question as to whether or not a death can be drawn out too long... yes!  
  
Dean Adams stops when he comes to the tire spikes in the pavement.  
  
BUFFY: (as Adams) Ah, this is the perfect spot for a picnic, because I can think of no other reason as to why I'm stopping here.  
  
He turns around and screams. The car is on top of him.  
  
XANDER: (as killer) Bad, Fluffy! Bad! Stop humping Dean Adams... down, Fluffy!  
  
It pushes him down, right onto the tire spikes. The car's tires blow out as they roll past. The car smashes the small beam in half. The car rolls past Dean Adams's bloody body.   
  
WILLOW: Dean Adams's bloody body? Sure it's not Dean Adams's's's's?  
SPIKE: (to Willow) You'd prefer...?  
WILLOW: Dean Adams'. Nice and simple.  
BUFFY: But either way is correct.  
WILLOW: I don't care. I like my way.  
  
The killer turns and starts to walk away.  
  
XANDER: ...calling for Fluffy over his shoulder. (as killer) Here, Fluffy! Here, girl! Come to daddy.  
  
The camera focuses on Dean Adam's hand. It moves slightly, then stays still.  
  
BUFFY: ...then moves slightly, then stays still. Then moves slightly, then stays still.  
WILLOW: (as Adams) Tee hee, I'm such a prankster.  
  
The camera pans up to a sign that says: "Severe Tire Damage."  
  
ALL: O_O  
  
EXT. OMEGA SIGMA PHI FRAT HOUSE - LATER - ESTABLISHING SHOT - NIGHT  
  
A very large frat house. Four, five stories high with about maybe over fifty rooms.  
  
WILLOW: ...it's turn-ons are loud, noisy groups of college kids, and beer. Turn-offs include books, quiet time, and cleanliness.  
  
People head toward the house.  
  
XANDER: ...but then they realize the party is actually two houses over, and head that way.  
  
People - (chanting; o.s.)  
Hootie! Hootie! Hootie! Hootie!  
  
BUFFY: (as chanter) We want Hootie and the Blowfish! Now! Or we'll riot.  
  
INT. OMEGA SIGMA PHI FRAT HOUSE  
  
The chanting continues while music blares from a speaker. People are dressed in a wide variety of costumes. Most of them are dressed like  
  
BUFFY: ...Brenda, and are walking around saying, 'Shiny!'.  
  
dead people. The camera pans over to Parker, holding his dog HOOTIE in his hands. A funnel is in his mouth, and a man is pouring beer into it.  
  
WILLOW: Poor, Hootie!  
OTHERS: (try not to laugh)  
  
Parker -   
There you go! There you go! That's my boy! That's my boy!  
  
Hootie has downed the entire can of beer. The crowd bursts into   
applause and cheering. Parker kisses Hootie.  
  
WILLOW: Poor, Hootie!  
BUFFY: It's just beer. It won't hurt him.  
WILLOW: No, I mean because of the kissing. Poor doggie.  
  
CUT TO:  
  
The D.J. at the control board. He starts to play the song "Roller   
Coaster."  
  
SPIKE: ...but then realizes that the song's popularity went out in the 70's, so he puts on a more modern song.  
  
Sasha stands by the speaker, clearly not having fun.  
  
WILLOW: (as Sasha) I am *so* not having fun. I'm above this childish partying thing... I am sophisticated. I am my own woman. I-- ooo, candy!  
  
A NERDY GUY walks over to her.  
  
XANDER: (as nerdy guy) Hi. Wanna go see Star Wars, Episode One, Phantom Menace with me? And then... when, um, part two comes out... we can go see that too. We can camp out for months in advance for tickets, and... it'll be fun, so do ya wanna?  
  
Nerdy Guy -   
Listen. Listen.  
  
XANDER: (as nerdy guy) ...music comes out of the speakers. Isn't that cool?  
  
A scream comes from the speaker, all apart of the song.  
  
WILLOW: Apart of the song? That would be 'a part of the song' or 'apart from the song' or even 'part of the song'.  
SPIKE: (to Willow) And that would be anal. Or possibly anal. Or it could even be anal.  
  
Nerdy Guy -   
That scream? That's an actual cry for help by a girl being murdered.  
  
BUFFY: O_O  
WILLOW: O_O  
XANDER: O_O  
SPIKE: Cool.  
  
Sasha doesn't care, but she goes along with it.  
  
WILLOW: (as Sasha) Leave me alone with my candy. Go away. Shoo!  
  
Sasha -   
You're kidding me.  
  
Nerdy Guy - (chuckles)  
No. That's why it sounds so real because it was lifted off a 9-1-1 tape.   
  
XANDER: Ok, that's really kinda sick.  
BUFFY: Kinda?  
  
Sasha -   
That's great.  
  
WILLOW: (as Sasha) ...that someone was enterprising enough to take a dying girl's screams and turn them into entertainment. Neat.  
  
Nerdy Guy -   
Yeah. Woah.  
  
Sasha walks away.  
  
XANDER: (as nerdy guy) Not whoa?  
  
CUT TO:  
  
Natalie, just entering the house. She looks around, clearly   
uncomfortable by all the people.  
  
BUFFY: (as Natalie) People scare me.  
  
Brenda comes running up.  
  
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Ahh!  
  
Brenda -   
Hey, Miss Thing!  
  
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Ahh!  
  
Natalie -   
Hey.  
  
SPIKE: I feel the love in that room.  
  
They hug.  
  
SPIKE: Get a room!  
  
Brenda -   
You made it!  
  
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Oh, I'm sorry, you didn't 'make it' too. I thought we both... 'made it' together.  
WILLOW: Buffy... you're on the edge of oogie-ness.  
BUFFY: (laughs) And it's fun.  
  
Hootie runs past them, the funnel clutched in his mouth.  
  
XANDER: (as Hootie) *My* kitchen utensil!  
  
Natalie -   
And already I'm starting to regret it.  
  
SPIKE: (as Natalie) And already I'm going to start whining.  
  
Brenda -   
I'm going to go get something to drink. Want anything?  
  
Natalie -   
A beer.  
  
WILLOW: (as Natalie) ...without Hootie drool, please.  
  
Brenda -   
Okay. Be right back!  
  
She moves into the crowd.  
  
Paul - (o.s.)  
Stanley  
  
XANDER: Look, it's Paul Stanley.  
SPIKE: (snickers)   
  
Hall's not a legend.  
  
XANDER: (as Paul) Oates is... but not Hall.  
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Well, duh. I've seen the building with my own two eyes. I knew it wasn't a legend.  
WILLOW: (as Paul) Um, I meant the rumors about the massacre.  
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Tch. Shoulda said that then.  
  
Natalie spins around to see Paul.  
  
BUFFY: ...but gets dizzy and falls on her butt.  
  
Paul - (cont'd)  
And there's one survivor that night.  
  
He holds up the newspaper.  
  
XANDER: (as Paul) Look, I finally learned how to read.  
WILLOW: He needs Hooked On Phonics. Worked great for Ray.  
BUFFY: Yep. And isn't it appalling how many movie heroes can't read?  
  
INT. SECOND STORY - LATER  
  
SPIKE: So there are two stories happening at once?  
WILLOW: (to Spike) That was bad.  
SPIKE: So is this script.  
  
Paul and Natalie sit by the railing of the stairs, talking.  
  
Paul -   
It makes perfect sense.  
  
SPIKE: (as Paul) ...all the words just look right now. And I can put them together and make what's called a, 'sentence'. Do you know of, 'sentences', Natalie?  
  
Pendleton covered up Stanley Hall.  
  
XANDER: (as Paul) ...with a giant tarp, but it blew away...  
BUFFY: (as Natalie) ...and?  
XANDER: (as Paul) and... um... oh! The end! See, that's a 'sentence', Natalie. Now it's your turn.  
  
And Wexler, so long as he keeps his mouth shut, gets a job for life.   
  
WILLOW: Then it's really a good thing he became a teacher. Can you imagine what would've happened it he'd become a clothing designer?  
  
Natalie -   
Why would he do it?  
  
BUFFY: (as Paul) Job security?  
  
Paul -   
It eats at him. And every year around this time, he goes a little   
wacko. This year...off the charts.  
  
Natalie -   
Then we have to call the police before it happens again.  
  
Paul -   
I already tried. Dean Adams beat me to it. They said he warned 'em to expect prank calls tonight. Even gave 'em our names.  
  
BUFFY: Oh, I so don't think so. What was Dean Adams thinking? What were the police thinking? So, if something happens, and someone from the college callls for help, no one will come out? Whatever.  
WILLOW: And for that matter, why is there only one security guard at a college? It's a big place... crime happens... with all that drinking and the parties... not to mention that they have this big old security building where Reese was practicing her pretend shooting. So where are they all at?  
SPIKE: Where's all the security at your college? I broke into the administration building, looked up your room, and got into your dorm all without someone even trying to stop me.  
XANDER: They don't need security... they have the Initiative.  
BUFFY: (smiles) Yeah.  
WILLOW: (frowns) Yeah.  
SPIKE: (snarls) Yeah.  
  
For a few seconds, they say nothing. Natalie is on the verge of losing it.  
  
WILLOW: It?  
BUFFY: It.  
XANDER: It?  
SPIKE: It.  
  
Paul -   
Look.  
  
BUFFY: (as Paul) ...birdies.  
  
What he is about to say is obviously hard.   
  
SPIKE: (as Paul) Penis.  
OTHERS: (burst out laughing)  
WILLOW: (through her laughter) Guys, don't encourage him.  
SPIKE: (chuckles) Yeah, God forbid.  
  
Paul -   
I'm sorry I doubted you before.  
  
XANDER: (as Paul) I should've waited until now. Now's when I doubt you.  
  
Natalie loses it.  
  
WILLOW: What exactly is this 'it' she keeps losing, or almost losing?  
  
She begins to cry.  
  
BUFFY: I don't know, but it makes her sad, I think.  
  
Paul -   
What?  
  
BUFFY: Her it. Or the loss of said it.  
  
Natalie -   
What is he trying to do to me?  
  
WILLOW: Who? Paul? I'm confused.  
  
Paul doesn't know what to say. He's dumbfounded.  
  
WILLOW: Glad I'm not the only one.  
  
Natalie continues to cry.  
  
Natalie -   
I'm so scared.  
  
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Nevermind that lots of people have been killed, you know during the Stanley Hall massacre, and then again, now, like Michelle, Damon, Tosh, and Dean Adams... it's definitely all about Natalie. Geez, she's got, like, ten tons of nerves.  
  
Paul takes Natalie's head in his hands.  
  
XANDER: (as Paul) Contrary to your own beliefs, Natalie, this isn't all about you. Other people *do* exist outside your little world.  
  
Paul -   
Hey, listen to me. Nothing is going to happen to you, okay? I promise.  
  
SPIKE: (as Paul) ...unless I get sick of you and off you myself.  
  
He leans toward her, and they kiss. A long, passionate kiss. Too long. Brenda comes walking down the hall, two glasses of beer in her hands.  
  
WILLOW: (as Brenda) Hi, Paul! I got you some beer. Maybe, if you get me drunk, I'll sleep with you. Oh who am I kidding? There's no maybe about it. Come and get me once you're done with Natalie!  
  
She sees them kissing, and turns angry.  
  
XANDER: ...and then turns into the Incredible Hulk.  
  
Brenda -   
You don't waste anytime, do you, Natalie?  
  
WILLOW: (as Natalie) Oh, sorry, Brenda meet Paul. Paul, this is Brenda. She likes shiny things. Do you have some keys? Just hold them up for her to see, and shake them, she'll be occupied for hours, then we can get back to nookie-ing.  
SPIKE: Nookie-ing?  
WILLOW: (grins, and nods) Nookie-ing.  
SPIKE: Right.  
  
The kiss is broken. Natalie looks up at Brenda, who is pissed.  
  
BUFFY: (as Brenda) I am pissed.  
SPIKE: Off one beer?  
BUFFY: The other kind of pissed.  
  
Natalie -   
Brenda--  
  
WILLOW: (as Natalie) ...look. Shiny!  
  
Brenda -   
Here. It's light.  
  
XANDER: Eh?  
WILLOW: What is?  
BUFFY: Ya got me.  
SPIKE: The beer.  
BUFFY: The beer is light? Huh.  
SPIKE: (sighs) Lite. Lite beer.  
BUFFY: (to Spike) You're too easy to mess with.  
  
She shoves Natalie's beer into her hand then storms off. Paul has no idea what's going on.  
  
BUFFY: (as Paul) I have no idea what's going on.  
WILLOW: (as Natalie) Do you ever, Paul?  
BUFFY: (as Paul) No.  
  
Natalie -   
Oh, shit.  
  
XANDER: (as Paul) Ew. Where? I don't wanna step in it. Damn that Hootie!  
  
Paul -   
What was all that about?  
  
Natalie -   
I screwed up.   
  
WILLOW: (as Natalie) ...my face, and stuck my tongue out at her. She wasn't amused.  
  
She stands up and leaves.  
  
EXT. OMEGA SIGMA PHI FRAT HOUSE - PORCH - NIGHT  
  
Brenda comes out of the house and walks over to the steps. She sits down and begins to cry.  
  
BUFFY: (as Brenda) Wah! I'm upset. Wah! Ooo, shiny.  
  
INT. COLLEGE BUILDING - LATER  
  
Reese walks down the flight of steps, flashlight in hand. She starts down the hallway when she bumps into...  
  
XANDER: ...Elvis!  
SPIKE: (as Elvis) Thank you very much.  
  
THE JANITOR!  
  
She gasps.  
  
Reese -   
Jesus! You trying to give me a heart attack here!  
  
Janitor - (deadpan)  
Boo.  
  
WILLOW: Hey, the janitor's doing our job for us.  
XANDER: I hate when they do that.  
  
Reese -   
The building's off-limits after 10:00.  
  
The janitor starts to descend the stairs.  
  
BUFFY: (as janitor) Fine, I'll leave the stinky backed-up toilets for you to get. And you can empty the over-flowing trashcans. And hows about you also mop this floor... I never seem to be able to finish it. It's almost like it's the only thing I do...  
  
Reese -   
A good night to you too.  
  
Suddenly, she hears glass breaking. Reese immediately tenses up. She reaches into her holster and pulls out her  
  
SPIKE: ...banana.  
OTHERS: O_O  
WILLOW: Looks like the randomness has finally struck Spike.  
  
gun. She slowly makes her way down the hall. She stops at the corner, pointing her  
  
SPIKE: ...banana around the corner, pretending to shoot.  
XANDER: (as Reese) Pew-pew! Pew!  
  
flashlight and her gun. She walks down the hall, slowly and carefully. The door to Wexler's office is open. She points her  
  
SPIKE: ...banana inside and shoots some more.  
XANDER: (as Reese) Pew! Pew-pew-pew!  
  
gun and flashlight into the opening.  
  
Reese -   
Hello?  
  
XANDER: No on answers, so she shoots them. (As Reese) Pew-pew-pew-pew-pew!  
  
Reese makes her way into the room.  
  
INT. WEXLER'S OFFICE  
  
Reese looks around. The whole office has been trashed. Papers are   
strewn everywhere, books are thrown about, his masks are knocked down. Reese walks over to the closet. She goes inside.  
  
WILLOW: ...and refuses to come back out again.  
BUFFY: (as Reese) *My* closet now!  
  
Reese checks every corner of the closet. The flashlight's beam comes to rest upon the shelf where the axe  
  
SPIKE: ...suddenly slips and falls, conking her on the head.  
  
had been resting. The axe is gone!  
  
WILLOW: Run, little axe! Run! You're free now... go, be free.  
  
Reese begins to back out. Suddenly, she slips and falls to the  
  
XANDER: ...ceiling. Wackiness ensues.  
  
ground. We see that she has slipped  
  
SPIKE: ...on her banana peel.  
WILLOW: (as Reese) Oops, I knew I shouldn't have peeled my gun.  
  
in a large puddle of blood!   
  
BUFFY: That is seriously not fun. I've ruined many an outfit that way.  
SPIKE: Tell me about it.  
WILLOW/XANDER: O_O  
  
Reese -   
Ow. Oh.  
  
She looks at all the blood.  
  
XANDERL ...finsing animals and shapes in it.  
  
Reese -   
What?  
  
WILLOW: I didn't say anything, did you Buffy?  
BUFFY: Nope. Xander?  
XANDER: Unh-uh. Spike?  
SPIKE: (sarcastically) Yes. But I said it at a frequency that only fictional characters in lame-ass movies can hear.  
WILLOW: Well excuuuu-uuuuuuse us.  
  
CUT TO:  
  
INT. OMEGA SIGMA PHI FRAT HOUSE - LATER   
  
Paul runs over to Parker, who is over by the D.J.  
  
XANDER: ...who is near the table, which is by the door...  
WILLOW: ...which is close to the bedroom, and far from the kitchen...  
BUFFY: ...which has stuff in drawers, and is painted red...  
SPIKE: ...which is the color of your blood, and smelling tasty at the moment.  
  
Paul -   
Hey, Parker, let me talk to you for a second.  
  
XANDER: (as Parker) No.  
  
They move away from the D.J. and the radio control board.  
  
Paul -   
Look, you might want to end this party a little early.  
  
Parker -   
What?  
  
BUFFY: (as Paul) I feel tired. And I don't want to miss anything. So, just end it, and I won't miss anything.  
SPIKE: (as Parker) Been taking selfish lessons from Natalie?  
BUFFY: (as Paul) Uh-huh! How am I doing so far?  
SPIKE: (as Parker) I think you've graduated.  
  
Paul -   
Natalie was right all along.  
  
WILLOW: (as Paul) ...Oreos do taste better than macaroni and cheese!  
  
Parker -   
Say no more. Everybody, listen up!  
  
BUFFY: (as Parker) ...Paul here says Natalie was right all along about the Oreo thing. Let's kill him! You don't mess with a man and his macaroni.  
XANDER: That's right!  
  
Paul tries to stop Parker, but he shrugs him off.  
  
Parker -   
No, no, no. Listen! Turn the music down.  
  
The D.J. turns the volume down.  
  
Parker -   
Paul here, he thinks we should end the party early.  
  
The crowd  
  
XANDER: ...agrees. (as party goer) This party sucks! Kill it now, put it out of its misery.  
WILLOW: (as other party goer) Yeah! This place stinks! Literally. It smells like Hootie-doo!  
  
does not agree, and they mumble their protest. Sasha watches, wondering what Parker is doing.  
  
BUFFY: (as Sasha) What is Parker doing now? He's such an idiot... if it weren't for the sex, I'd be gone.  
  
Parker - (to crowd)  
No, no, no, no. (to Paul) Tell everybody why. Why they should go home.  
  
XANDER: (as Paul) Because you're all ugly. Parker said so.  
  
Paul -   
There's a killer on campus.  
  
XANDER: (as Paul) Oh yeah, and that too.  
  
Everybody laughs.  
  
Parker -   
And let me guess. This killer's offing people based on urban legends.  
  
Paul -   
Yeah, that's right.  
  
SPIKE: I completely understand their unwillingness to believe... I mean, seriously, how many people are murdered in a given year? Two? Three?  
BUFFY: Really. You'd think they lived in a utopia.  
  
Parker -   
Well, I have a legend you may or may not of heard of, Paul. You see, this  
  
WILLOW: (as Parker) ...shirt I'm wearing is really an alien, and soon it's going to take complete control of me and force me in to killing each and every one of you. How's that one?  
SPIKE: Random.  
WILLOW: Cool.  
  
mediocre Woodward and Bernstein wanna be realizes: "Shit!  
  
BUFFY: (as Parker) ...that's it. There is no more story... just, 'Shit!'. The end.  
XANDER: (to Buffy, chiding) Such language.  
  
I'm gonna graduate in a couple of weeks and write gardening tips for Martha Stewart's living!"  
  
XANDER: She's a demon. Anya told me.  
WILLOW: I knew it! Now I can hate her without feeling guilty. She's creepy.  
  
The crowd laughs.  
  
Parker -   
Unless-- Hang on. Unless I get a really hot story. You know, something that really flies.  
  
XANDER: (as Parker) ...like a bird. Birds fly. Or a bat, they fly too. Maybe an airplane... my point is... they all fly.  
WILLOW: (as partier) Huh?  
XANDER: (as Parker) Exactly!  
  
I got it. I got it.  
  
XANDER: (as Parker) ...I got a thought!  
  
I'll take advantage of my homicidal instincts and start killing people in a trendy, attention getting, cover story kinda way. Basing them on...urban legends.  
  
BUFFY: Um, yeah. That's what's happening. (to the others) Parker's a doofus.  
  
Paul looks almost guilty, then:  
  
WILLOW: ...remembers that Martha Stewart is a demon, and drops the guilt.  
  
Paul -   
Why don't you have another drink.  
  
XANDER: Ladies and gentlemen, a round of applause for Paul, who's doing his part to keep the youth of America intoxicated.  
  
Parker grabs Paul's arm.  
  
WILLOW: (as Parker) *My* arm! Give it back!  
  
Parker -   
Paul, maybe your the one that should leave and let everybody else have a good time! Right! Whoo!  
  
SPIKE: (as Parker) Leave us alone and let us get killed already. (as himself) A nice fire would take care of most of these punks.  
WILLOW: But that would be bad.  
SPIKE: (shrugs) Like I'm a boy scout? Hello.  
  
The crowd erupts in cheers and Parker runs over to a guy,  
  
XANDER: ...for a meaningless sexual encounter before remembering his girlfriend. (as Parker) Oops. Sorry, Honey.  
  
who pours a small bottle of beer into his mouth.  
  
Paul walks over to Natalie, who witnessed the whole thing.  
  
BUFFY: (as Paul) Oh, you saw me get humiliated, did you?  
SPIKE: (as Natalie) Yep. (points and laughs)  
  
Paul -   
You stay here. I'm gonna go get some help.  
  
Natalie -   
Okay.  
  
CUT TO:  
  
Parker and Sasha.  
  
Sasha -   
Parker, why do you always have to be such a jerk?  
  
XANDER: (as Parker) 'cause it's fun.  
  
Parker -   
I was just messing around.  
  
Sasha -   
Look, I'm gonna go to the radio station, okay?  
  
Parker -   
Hey, hey. Who's my girl? Who's my girl?  
  
BUFFY: (as Sasha, sighing) Hootie.  
  
Sasha blows him a kiss.  
  
Parker -   
That's my girl!  
  
XANDER: That is one strange man.  
  
EXT. OMEGA SIGMA PHI FRAT HOUSE - NIGHT  
  
Sasha comes running out of the house, the rain soaking her.  
  
SPIKE: (loudly) I am officially requesting pictures for the next movie. Lots of pictures of wet women, and half-naked women, and lots more women.  
XANDER: I second that motion.  
WILLOW/BUFFY: (roll their eyes)  
  
She runs over to a car and climbs inside. A FRIEND sits behind the wheel.  
  
Sasha -   
Let's go.  
  
INT. OMEGA SIGMA PHI FRAT HOUSE/KITCHEN  
  
Parker walks into the kitchen, finishing a beer. The phone rings.   
Parker answers it.  
  
Parker -   
Hello?  
  
There's no response.  
  
Parker -   
Hello?  
  
WILLOW: That is so annoying when you answer the phone and have to say hello, like, five times before someone finally deigns to say something. I mean, hello, they called you, they should darn well speak up and--  
XANDER: Issues?  
WILLOW: Yes. But valid ones.  
  
Man's Voice -   
You're gonna die tonight.  
  
WILLOW: But, not if they called to say that. Then they can stay silent.  
  
Parker -   
Oh, really?  
  
He flips the phone over and looks at the built in caller I.D. It says: "Damon Brooks." Parker puts the phone back to his ear.  
  
BUFFY: Considering these two are friends, Damon most likely knew that Parker had caller I.D., not to mention that he's supposed to be at Killington, so... Parker's a complete idiot if he actually thinks it's Damon.  
SPIKE: Not to mention Damon's dead.  
BUFFY: In Parker's defense, he doesn't know that.  
  
Parker -   
Let's see. The call's coming from inside the house. Could it be... an urban legend? Am I right? Hello? Don't get shy on me all of a sudden, fuck face.  
  
WILLOW: Aww, he's got a pet name for Damon. Isn't that cute?  
  
INT. OMEGA SIGMA PHI LIVING ROOM  
  
Parker pushes his way through the streamers dangling from the ceiling above the door to the kitchen.  
  
Parker -   
This is the one about the baby-sitter, right? She's getting those   
scary, harassing phone calls.  
  
Parker begins to climb up the stairs.  
  
XANDER: ...but has to stop when, after only two steps, he becomes winded.  
  
Parker - (cont'd)  
And when she traces them back, they're coming from inside the house!  
  
Parker is now on the second floor. A few PEOPLE walk by him.  
  
SPIKE: No. Not PEOPLE!  
  
Parker - (cont'd)  
But, asswipe,  
  
WILLOW: Aww. Another pet name. So cute.  
  
aren't you forgetting something? I'm not baby sitting any kids.  
  
BUFFY: ...unless you count all these people in my house, but most of them are old enough to watch out for themselves.  
  
Man's Voice -   
Wrong legend. This is the one about the old lady who dries her wet dog in the microwave.  
  
FLASH CUT TO:  
  
The microwave.  
  
CUT BACK TO:  
  
Parker. He throws the phone down and races down the steps. He runs past the partygoers and into the...  
  
XANDER: ...swimming pool, deciding to take a quick dip before checking on his beloved dog, Hootie.  
  
INT. KITCHEN  
  
The light in the microwave goes off and it beeps. Parker stands there, not knowing what to do.  
  
SPIKE: I'd think opening it might help.  
  
He doesn't want to open it, but it's just some creep messing with him, right? He grabs the door handle and throws it open to reveal...  
  
THE SPLATTERED REMAINS OF HOOTIE!  
  
ALL: EWWWWW!  
XANDER: Not Hootie! He was my favorite character. They all die... all my favorite characters die.  
SIPKE: He was my favorite too.  
WILLOW: Me too.  
BUFFY: Mine too.  
  
Parker gasps, sickened.  
  
Parker -   
Fuck! Fucking sick motherfucker! Hootie! Fuck!  
  
XANDER: Obviously Hootie was Parker's favorite character too.  
  
He races out of the kitchen. He runs down a hallway.  
  
Parker -   
Wanna fuck with me!  
  
SPIKE: ...who's he talking to?  
OTHERS: (shrug)  
SPIKE: He just randomly runs through the house asking people to fu--  
WILLOW: (loudly) AHEM!  
SPIKE: --him? That's a system, I guess.  
  
He races into a...  
  
WILLOW: ...building filled with dynamite, and gets blown up. Scene!  
  
INT. BATHROOM  
  
Parker runs into the small bathroom and over to the cigarette filled toilet.  
  
ALL: Ew.  
  
He bends over it, wanting to vomit.  
  
BUFFY: That's the worst feeling.  
WILLOW: Most definitely.  
XANDER: I've never drank to excess, so I wouldn't know.  
WILLOW/BUFFY: (glare at him)  
SPIKE: I don't get sick... never did, even as a human.  
WILLOW/BUFFY: (glare at him)  
  
Suddenly, the killer enters the bathroom and pushes Parker's head into the toilet.  
  
ALL: EW!  
  
INT. BATHROOM - LATER  
  
Parker wakes up, but can't move. His hands have been tied around  
  
WILLOW: ...the toilet.  
OTHERS: Ew!  
  
the toilet.  
  
ALL: ...  
  
A line of blood is on his face. He struggles against his bonds when the killer suddenly appears. Parker struggles, but the killer grabs a funnel and shoves it down Parker's throat.  
  
WILLOW: Ew, that funnel was in Hootie's mouth earlier.  
SPIKE: I think that's the least of his worries at the moment.  
WILLOW: Probably.  
  
He gags, trying to spit it out. The killer grabs a bag of Pop Rocks and tears it open.  
  
BUFFY: Oh, boy. Here we go again with the colorful spit.  
  
He pours it into the funnel, and down into Parker's mouth. The killer then reaches over to the sink and grabs a bottle of Drano.  
  
BUFFY: He must have toilet breath.  
  
He pours it into the funnel. Parker gags and convulses.  
  
XANDER: (to the others) Must be a yucky flavor.  
  
The tunnel overflows, but the killer continues to pour.  
  
The killer drops the bottle and takes the funnel out of Parker's mouth. He tosses it into the sink and walks out of the bathroom, leaving Parker's dead corpse tied to the toilet.  
  
WILLOW: Bye, Parker. Nice knowin' ya.  
  
INT. CAMPUS SECURITY OFFICE - LATER - NIGHT  
  
Reese is on the phone with a 9-1-1 operator.  
  
Woman -   
Are you sure it's blood?  
  
BUFFY: (as Reese) Um, let's see. It was red. And sticky. All over the floor. Smelled kinda coppery. Yeah, pretty sure that's what it was.  
  
Reese -   
Yes, I'm sure it's blood! I'm covered in it!  
  
Woman -   
Due to the storm, all units are presently responding to calls. A unit has been notified.  
  
WILLOW: (as Reese) Oh... well then, I guess I can just sit back and relax, and let the cops take care of it.  
  
Reese -   
You know what chaps my hide?  
  
SPIKE: Dry weather? Wind?  
  
The way you pledged an oath to serve and protect, and then you don't give a rat's ass when something really does happen.  
  
SPIKE: Ohh.  
XANDER: (as woman) I'm sorry, ma'am, but we *real* cops are a teesy bit busier than you rent-a-cops.  
  
Woman -   
Hold please.  
  
Reese has had enough. The police can't help. She hangs up the phone.  
  
Reese - (whispering)  
I'll do it myself.  
  
ALL: Go, Reese!  
XANDER: She's my new fave!  
OTHERS: Yeah!  
  
INT. OMEGA SIGMA PHI FRAT HOUSE  
  
Natalie sits on a couch.  
  
WILLOW: All by herself? I'm so proud of her!  
  
She picks up the phone in front of her and dials a number.  
  
WILLOW: All by herself? I'm so proud of her!  
  
Paul - (voice-over)  
This is Paul. Leave a message.  
  
BUFFY: (as Natalie) You suck! Tee hee.  
  
Natalie hangs the phone up.  
  
WILLOW: All by herself? I'm so proud of her!  
SPIKE: Ok, remember that 'no repeat' rule? Use it.  
  
Where could he be?  
  
On the radio, Sasha is talking to a couple that is experiencing some sex problems.  
  
Sasha - (from speaker)  
Let me get this straight.  
  
INT. RADIO STATION/SASHA'S RADIO ROOM  
  
We can barely see the producer in his booth. He's reading a magazine.  
  
Sasha - (cont'd)  
You guys tried out a new sexual position and now you're stuck.  
  
ALL: (burst out laughing)  
  
Woman -   
I'm not stuck, he is.  
  
ALL: (still laughing)  
  
Man -   
Relax and stop clinching.  
  
WILLOW: (turning red) Oh, my God.  
BUFFY: (gasping) Sucks to be them.  
WILLOW/BUFFY: (laugh harder)  
  
Sasha smiles.  
  
Woman -   
I saw this happen to dogs. It is so humiliating.  
  
WILLOW/BUFFY: (giggling)  
  
In the background, the killer approaches the producer from behind.   
  
Sasha -   
All right you guys, this is what you're gonna do. Okay?  
  
In the background, the killer wraps his hand around the producer.  
  
WILLOW: (as killer) I love you, producer. Wanna get stuck with me?  
BUFFY: Ew.  
  
We see that the killer holds a knife in his hand. He is prepared to stab the producer.  
  
XANDER: (as killer) I'll do it. I'll do it. I'll cut ya, man, I'll cut ya.  
  
The booth goes dark. With a flash of lightning, we the killer  
  
WILLOW: (giggles) We the killer?  
BUFFY: Is that anything like We the People?  
XANDER: Guess so.  
  
throwing the producer's body to the ground. The line clicks and Sasha can't hear the couple anymore.  
  
Sasha -   
Hello?  
  
SPIKE: (as Sasha) Excuse me, Mr. Killer, I'm trying to to a job here, hello. Could you please kill him some other time?  
  
She turns toward the booth, but it's completely dark. With a puzzled look, she gets up and walks over to the window and peers inside. Lightning flashes and Sasha sees the killer inches from her face. The only thing protecting her is the glass.  
  
Sasha screams and backs away as the killer lifts the axe and swings it through the window, sending glass flying everywhere.  
  
XANDER: Ohh, the janitor's gonna be pissed.  
  
INT. FRAT HOUSE  
  
Natalie hears Sasha screaming over the radio and turns to face the speaker.  
  
WILLOW: (as Natalie) Hey! She's trying to steal my attention! Bitch!  
  
INT. RADIO STATION/SASHA'S RADIO ROOM  
  
Sasha runs over to the door while the killer breaks more of the window with his axe.  
  
XANDER: (as killer) Don't wanna cut myself trying to kill you... hold on a sec... almost done... ok! Ready-- hey... where'd you go, Sasha? That's cheating.  
  
Sasha screams and opens the door. She crawls outside and slams it shut. The killer starts to go through the window.  
  
INT. FRAT HOUSE  
  
Sasha - (over speaker)  
Help me! Somebody help me!  
  
Natalie runs over to the radio control board and turns  
  
BUFFY: ...down the volume. (as Natalie) No, Sasha's not in trouble. Nope, you're hearing things.  
  
up the volume, amplifying Sasha's cries for help.  
  
BUFFY: ...and starts dancing.  
  
INT. RADIO STATION HALLWAY  
  
Sasha runs down the hallway, constantly looking behind her.   
  
XANDER: (as Sasha) I could've swore I saw Teletubbies back there.  
  
INT. FRAT HOUSE  
  
Natalie -   
Something's happening!  
  
ALL: Finally!  
  
The nerdy guy comes over.  
  
Nerdy Guy -   
No. She's doing a performance art piece to commemorate the massacre.  
  
WILLOW: (as Natalie) Oh, is that what she's doing? I thought she was getting killed or something. Thanks!  
  
INT. RADIO STATION HALLWAY  
  
Sasha runs down the hallway. Up ahead is a corner. Suddenly,  
  
THE KILLER COMES AROUND THE CORNER AND SWINGS HIS AXE!  
  
XANDER: Paul Bunyan, no!  
  
Sasha falls to the floor and the axe hits the wall.  
  
WILLOW: (as Sasha) Missed me, neener neener!  
  
Sasha gets up off the floor and runs back the way she came. The killer gets the axe free of the wall and chases after her. Sasha comes to a door and throws it open. She runs inside and slams the door shut.  
  
BUFFY: (as Sasha) And stay out!  
  
The killer grabs the handle and starts to shake it, trying to open the door.  
  
XANDER: (as killer, whining) Unh! Let me in, Sasha! Please?  
  
Sasha has a hold of the handle, preventing the killer from opening the door. She quickly locks it. She looks out the window in the door, staring at the killer.  
  
INT. FRAT HOUSE  
  
Natalie sits on the couch and picks up a phone.  
  
SPIKE: ...and calls Brenda to chat. Meanwhile Sasha's screams echo throughout the room.  
WILLOW: She's sitting on a coach and picking up a phone again? Is that all she knows how to do? (to Natalie) Find a skill!  
BUFFY: No, she also knows how to kill people.  
WILLOW Oh yeah. I forgot about that skill.  
  
INT. RADIO STATION  
  
Sasha stares at the killer only for a second, then takes off running.  
  
INT. FRAT HOUSE  
  
Natalie starts to dial a number.  
  
XANDER: ...then decides not to. (as Natalie) Sasha can fend for herself. I've been carrying that girl for months... she needs to learn how to take care of herself.  
  
Sasha - (from speaker)  
My God! Help me! Please!  
  
Natalie gets a busy signal and throws the phone down.  
  
WILLOW: (as Natalie) Stupid phone!  
  
Nerdy guy listens to Sasha's screams for help.  
  
Nerdy Guy -   
She's good. I got chills.  
  
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Oh. That'd be because it's all really happening. But I'm not going to do anything to help her. Like... oh, say, call the cops, or anything.  
  
EXT. COLLEGE CAMPUS  
  
It's pouring rain. Natalie runs down the sidewalk, heading for the radio station.  
  
SPIKE: Pictures. That's all I'm saying.  
WILLOW: That's all you ever say. Every time.  
  
INT. RADIO STATION  
  
The whole front hall is one big open area. Translucent, winding stairs lead to each different level. There are no doors or anything. It's all open. No place to hide...  
  
BUFFY: Here's a thought. Leave. Get out. Go to where people are.  
  
Sasha runs down the hall, but stops suddenly. She leans against the wall.   
  
CLOSE ON:  
  
Sasha's face. She looks around, trying to see the killer. She doesn't see anybody.  
  
XANDER: (as Sasha) Excuse me, killer! I'm waiting!  
  
WIDE OF:  
  
The stairs. Sasha runs down the hall and comes to the stairs. She   
starts to run down them. She runs past the first platform, then down onto the second where she bumps into  
  
SPIKE: ...Barney Fife!  
OTHERS: @_@  
  
THE KILLER!  
  
The killer pushes her against the railing of pipes. They struggle, Sasha trying to punch the killer. She screams as the killer fights with her. Sasha feebly slaps the killer on the chest,  
  
WILLOW: (as Sasha) Unh! Take that feeble slap, you stupid killer, you.  
SPIKE: (as killer) Ow. You sure showed me. Guess I'll be on my way then.  
WILLOW: (as Sasha) Keep in touch!  
  
but it has no effect on him. Suddenly, he throws her over the railing. Sasha screams. She grabs onto the edge of the platform, hanging on for dear life.  
  
The killer bends down and picks up his axe. Sasha screams again and again, tears streaming down her face.  
  
BUFFY: Another victim that won't die. Just like Karla.  
  
Sasha -   
Somebody, please help! Help! Oh, God, somebody help! Help!  
  
The killer looks down at her, enjoying this. The killer pulls the axe back, then swings downward. Sasha screams and lets go. The axe hits right where Sasha's hands were.  
  
SPIKE: Bloody hell, looks like you're right.  
  
Sasha falls and hits another platform. Her legs absorb most of the impact, and she falls to the ground. She slowly crawls to the railing and picks herself up. She looks up toward the killer.  
  
XANDER: (as Sasha) Nya-nya-nya-nya-nya-nya!  
  
SASHA'S POV  
  
The killer is walking down the platform, headed right for her.  
  
SPIKE: (sarcastically) Oh, you mean he didn't just give up and go home? Huh, imagine that.  
  
NORMAL VIEW  
  
Sasha starts down the stairs.  
  
BUFFY: ...but then stops and sticks her tongue out at the killer, taunting him.  
  
WIDE OF:  
  
The whole staircase. Sasha is almost to the bottom, while the killer is still up at the top.  
  
Sasha gets off the stairs and runs over to the elevator.  
  
WILLOW: ...gets on the elevator, and takes it back upstairs to where the killer is, taunts the killer some more, runs back downstairs, takes the elevator back up, and... well, you get the idea.  
  
CLOSE ON:  
  
The killer's feet as he climbs down more stairs.  
  
XANDER: (as killer) Like my new shoes?  
  
CUT TO:  
  
Sasha, as she pushes the elevator button. She looks behind her.  
  
CLOSE ON:  
  
The killer's feet.  
  
XANDER: (as killer) I just got them. They're blue.  
  
CUT TO:  
  
Sasha. The elevator dings and the doors slide open. Sasha goes inside. The killer reaches the bottom of the steps and comes toward Sasha. She screams and presses 3 on the panel. She continues to press it as the killer comes closer, and closer. The killer reaches the elevator right as the doors begin to close. He swings his axe, and Sasha screams. The doors close and the axe slams into the doors.  
  
XANDER: (as killer) Heeeeee-eeeeeeeeeeeere's Johnny!  
  
CLOSE ON:  
  
The floor numbers. We are on two then three. The elevator comes to a stop. Sasha is crying, wishing the elevator doors would open.  
  
SPIKE: Please open. The sooner they open, the sooner she dies, the sooner this ends.  
  
INT. MAIN HALL  
  
CLOSE ON:  
  
The killer's feet as he starts to ascend the steps.  
  
BUFFY: Geez, this thing is really confusing. Are they up, or down right now? And, who's up, and who's down? And where's Barney Fife?  
  
INT. ELEVATOR/HALLWAY  
  
The elevator doors open and Sasha leaves, half running half walking.  
  
XANDER: Yes, Sasha *is* wogging away from her attacker... wogging.  
BUFFY: (valley girl accent) That is *so* eighties!  
  
She is constantly looking behind her. When she doesn't see the killer she backs up against a wall.  
  
WILLOW: (as Sasha) If I close my eyes really tight, and hold my breath, no one will see me. I'll be invisible. I'm special that way.  
  
EXT. COLLEGE CAMPUS  
  
Natalie is still running, soaking wet as the rain continues to pour.  
  
SPIKE: In slow motion? Licking her lips, and being all sexy?  
WILLOW: Uh... this isn't Baywatch.  
SPIKE: Like Xander said, a man's gotta have dreams.  
  
INT. RADIO STATION HALLWAY  
  
Sasha sinks to the floor.  
  
BUFFY: ...and stoves to the wall.  
SPIKE: (groans) Not more Japanese philosophy.  
  
EXT. ROAD  
  
Reese's cop car comes swerving down the road, sirens blaring.  
  
XANDER: (gasps) By itself? Ooo, I want a car like that.  
  
INT. COP CAR  
  
Reese turns on the radio.  
  
BUFFY: (as Reese) I like to enjoy a little light music while driving around looking for killers. It's especially soothing when I'm covered in blood.  
  
Sasha - (over radio; sobbing)  
Please help me.  
  
Reese is shocked.   
  
WILLOW: (as Reese) I am shocked.  
  
INT. RADIO STATION HALLWAY  
  
Sasha continues to sob.  
  
BUFFY: (as Sasha) Wah! Nobody loves me! Wah!  
  
INT. COP CAR  
  
Reese listens to Sasha sob with horror.  
  
SPIKE: Reese listens in horror to Sasha sob? Or Sasha's sobbing in horror, and Reese is listening?  
  
INT. RADIO STATION HALLWAY  
  
CLOSE ON:  
  
Two double doors. Suddenly, they're kicked open and the killer enters the hallway, axe in hand.  
  
XANDER: Finally. Just... kill her and get this thing rolling.  
  
INT. SASHA'S RADIO ROOM  
  
Sasha opens the door and crawls into the room. She locks the door. Sasha crawls over to the window, and, using the ledge, pulls herself up. She looks out the window.  
  
SPIKE: Wait a minute. We're right back where we started! Son of a witch!  
WILLOW: Ahem.  
SPIKE: I stand by my statement.  
  
SASHA'S POV  
  
Natalie comes running into the main hall.  
  
NORMAL VIEW  
  
Sasha begins to beat on the window.  
  
WILLOW: (as Sasha) Hey, Natalie, look at me! I stole your thunder. Nya-nya-nya!  
  
Sasha -   
Natalie!   
  
INT. MAIN HALL  
  
Natalie runs into the main hall.  
  
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Thunder-stealer!  
  
Sasha - (o.s.)  
Natalie!  
  
Natalie looks up and sees Sasha pounding on the window.  
  
XANDER: (as Sasha) Up here, Natalie. Hi. Yoo hoo! Natalie!  
  
Sasha -   
Natalie, help me!  
  
XANDER: Yeah, or that too.  
  
CLOSE ON:  
  
Sasha, as she continues to pound on the window.  
  
INT. SASHA'S RADIO ROOM  
  
BANG! Sasha looks behind her and sees the killer enter the room from the producer's booth. She sinks to the floor, defeated.  
  
SPIKE: (as Sasha) Eh, I give up.  
  
INT. MAIN HALL  
  
Natalie sees the killer enter the room.  
  
Natalie -   
No!  
  
WILLOW: (as Natalie) You're supposed to come after me! You're *my* killer! Not Sasha's. Damn it. Try to kill *me*, not her. Me!  
  
INT. SASHA'S RADIO ROOM  
  
The killer approaches Sasha, axe in hand.  
  
XANDER: (as killer) Hi, I'm Mr. K., and I'll be your killer today.  
  
Sasha -   
Please. I don't wanna die. I don't wanna die.   
  
XANDER: (as killer) Sorry, lady, I just do what they tell me. They say kill you, I gotta kill you.  
  
The killer raises the axe.  
  
INT. MAIN HALL  
  
Natalie cries out.  
  
Natalie -   
No!  
  
ALL: Yes!  
  
CLOSE ON:  
  
The killer brings the axe down, cutting into Sasha. The killer raises the axe and brings it down again.  
  
SPIKE: Finally!  
OTHERS: Woo hoo!  
  
CLOSE ON:  
  
Natalie. She screams.  
  
Natalie -   
No!  
  
SPIKE: Yes, damn it!  
WILLOW: Calm down, it happened. Sasha's as good as dead...  
  
CLOSE ON:  
  
The killer. He raises the axe and brings it down for one final, lethal blow. Sasha is no more. The killer turns to face Natalie. A deadly silence. Then he raises his hand and waves.  
  
BUFFY: (as killer) Hi, Natalie! Hi!  
  
INT. MAIN HALL  
  
Natalie stares only a second, then takes off running.   
  
CLOSE ON:  
  
The killer. He turns and leaves the room.  
  
XANDER: My job here is done.  
  
EXT. RADIO STATION  
  
Natalie comes running out of the radio station. She runs down the   
steps.  
  
SPIKE: Oh, would you look at that? More wet woman running... could even be some slow motion involved.  
BUFFY: Doubtful.  
SPIKE: Still. I can dream.  
BUFFY: Well, why don't you go dream while we take a break? My butt hurts.  
SPIKE: (opens his mouth to say something)  
BUFFY: Shut up, Spike.  
WILLOW: (yanws) I'm up, Ma.  
  
  
_______________________________________________________________________________________________  
  
  
I've redone this part... hopefully it's much better than it was. I've added a lot of comments and such, but nothing is different--in this part, or the next--in the plot of the Buffy characters.  
  
  
End part 5. Fasten your seatbelts and proceed to part 6. 


	6. Urbans Legends Are Parodies Too (part 6)

Urban Legends Are Parodies Too (part 6)  
  
an MST3K of  
  
Urban Legends  
  
by sinecure  
  
  
_______________________________________________________________________________________________  
  
  
Willow, Buffy, and Spike headed into the kitchen while Xander stayed behind in the hall. He opened the door to the outside, their only link to the world, and stood nose-to-nose with the barrier. If they ever got out of here, he vowed to never again spend more than eight hours inside his house, and then only while he was asleep. The wind was blowing softly, bringing his attention to the tree branches slightly swaying this way and that.  
  
Using his index finger, he traced the edge of the sidewalk against the barrier, then continued on to the curb. His finger tingled slightly with the prolonged touching of the invisible thing-a-ma-bobber, but he kept it up. He missed Anya. Missed Giles. Even missed his parents. And for them, he wanted out of here, but that was the extent of his urge to leave the house. Sure, he wanted out, but only if he could keep in mind specific reasons for leaving.  
  
His finger lifted a tiny space to jump the street, and continue past the bushes, to the three people walking by-- people? Standing straighter, he peered through the doorway, trying to see the people better, and when he did, he freaked.  
  
Willow grinned at Buffy. They were in the kitchen with Spike, telling jokes. Well, she and Buffy were telling jokes, Spike was rolling his eyes and pretending not to pay attention to them, which he so obviously was. Otherwise he would've left the room long before. He wasn't actually eating or drinking anything, just leaning against the counter and staring at the floor, the ceiling, the walls, anything but them.  
  
"Knock-knock," she told Buffy, her grin widening at Buffy's playful groan.  
  
"Who's there?" Buffy asked, then jumped to her feet when Xander started yelling for them at the top of his lungs.  
  
"Buffy! Willow! Come here. Over here, Buffy. Buffy!"  
  
They all started out of the kitchen at a run, which came to a dead stop when Xander yelled out his own name.  
  
Spike chuckled, striding out the door into the hall. "He's gone bonkers for good."  
  
Ten minutes later, they were sitting on the couch, staring straight ahead. Finally, Xander said what they were all thinking.  
  
"Clones." He sat forward, raising his hands in a shrug. "What else could it be?"  
  
Ok, so that wasn't actually what they were all thinking. Buffy shook her head and sighed. "Not clones. I vote for robots. Definitely robots."  
  
Spike snorted in disgust. "Please. They weren't robots. Technology that good isn't around yet."  
  
"Yeah," Xander agreed, "it's not like the government, or anyone else has made some kind of vampire leash... oh, wait!"  
  
Willow stood up, and paced a few feet away. "Spike's right. At least, as far as I know, and I'm kind of up with the technology to date. Or I like to think I am. I say it was a magickal thing. A separation or something like that."  
  
"Right," Spike said, nodding. "Magickally, we've been seperated from our true selves and... well, wait. Who's the true person then. Them, or us?" They all stared at him uneasily, obviously not having come to that disturbing conclusion yet. "I feel whole. Nothing different here."  
  
They all agreed, tossing more uneasy looks at each other. Ten minutes later, they sat down to finish the script and made a promise to discuss ways to get out when they were done. The image of Willow, Buffy, and Xander walking down the street in front of the house they were in, not able to see or hear them, was still uppermost in all their minds.  
  
  
_______________________________________________________________________________________________  
  
  
INT. DORM  
  
Natalie races into the dorm and over to Paul's door. She pounds on it.  
  
XANDER: (as Natalie) Let me out! Let me out! Oh wait. Let me in! Let me in!  
  
Natalie -   
Paul!  
  
No answer. He's not there. She turns to leave and sees Paul entering the dorm.  
  
Natalie -   
Paul! Sasha's dead! I just saw the killer!  
  
BUFFY: And already she's making it about her. (as Natalie) I saw the killer. He's after *me*! I. I. I. Me. Me. Me.  
  
Paul -   
All right. Where did this happen?  
  
WILLOW: (as Natalie) Um, where it happened. Duh.  
BUFFY: Totally duh.  
  
Natalie -   
The radio station.  
  
Paul -   
Jesus. Come on.  
  
XANDER: (as Natalie) Um, Jesus isn't here. It's just me, Natalie.  
WILLOW: (as Paul) Oh fine, you'll do. Come on.  
  
They start walking toward Paul's dorm room.  
  
XANDER: ...then stop, for no reason whatsoever.  
BUFFY: (as Paul) Um, where do I live again?  
XANDER: And then Paul gives us a reason via Buffy.  
  
Paul - (cont'd)  
Why did you leave? I thought I told you to stay at the house.  
  
SPIKE: (as Paul) Bad, puppy!  
  
They reach his door. Paul gets his keys and starts fumbling with them.  
  
BUFFY: (as Paul) Now... how do I do that again? Hold them up and shake them? Or shake them, then hold them up?  
WILLOW: (as Natalie) For Brenda? Either way works.  
  
Paul -   
Shit.  
  
XANDER: (as Natalie) Not really feeling the urge, but thanks.  
  
He finds the right key and puts it in the lock. His hands are shaking. He turns the key and unlocks his door.  
  
INT. PAUL'S DORM ROOM  
  
Paul grabs the phone off the charger and walks over to his bed.   
  
SPIKE: (as Paul) So... wanna have sex now? Otherwise I'm gonna call some other girl and ask her. Got a whole book of girls here... so, sex?  
WILLOW: (as Natalie) With you?  
SPIKE: (as Paul, sarcastic) No, with my roommate, George.  
WILLOW: (as Natalie) Oh. Ok, I like George.  
  
Natalie -   
Where were you?  
  
BUFFY: (as Paul) Killing Sasha-- I mean... (scoffs) nowhere. Around. What are you, my mother?  
  
Paul -   
Running all over campus trying to find help. The dean is gone.  
  
XANDER: (as Paul) ...'cause I killed him and all.  
  
I can't find Reese anywhere.  
  
XANDER: (as Paul) ...and I'd really like to kill her.  
  
Paul puts the phone to his ear. After a second, he lowers it.  
  
Paul -   
It's dead.  
  
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Noooo! Oh, God, no! Not Phone! Phone, speak to me... please, Phone... I loved you so much, and...  
OTHERS: O_O  
BUFFY: ...and... I need to stop now?  
OTHERS: (nod)  
BUFFY: Ok.  
  
He walks over to the charger and puts the phone back on it. He goes back over to his bed.  
  
Paul -   
Goddamn storm.  
  
WILLOW: He only said that to give his character some depth. 'Cause, he's definitely lacking in that department.  
BUFFY: Totally.  
  
He turns to Natalie.  
  
XANDER: ...but accidentally spins all the way around, ending where he began.  
SPIKE: (as Paul) Huh? What just happened here? Where am I?  
  
Paul -   
We're gonna get the hell outta here. Get off campus and find some help.  
  
He turns his back on Natalie to grab his jacket. In that instance, Natalie grabs the phone and puts it to her ear.  
  
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Speak to me, Phone! Please, I love you, I--  
  
Paul turns around and Natalie puts the phone down.  
  
BUFFY: (as Natalie) I wasn't doing anything!  
  
Paul -   
What were you doing?  
  
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Nothing, I said!  
  
Natalie -   
I was just making sure the--  
  
SPIKE: (as Natalie) ...wallpaper ends meet squarely... if they don't butt right then--  
BUFFY: (to Spike) That was scary.  
XANDER: But true.  
WILLOW: But scary.  
  
Paul -   
Nat, I told you the phones were dead.  
  
He sees the suspicion in her eyes, the silent accusation.  
  
XANDER: (as Paul, sighs) Look, Natalie, I didn't kill Phone. It was dead when we got here.  
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Murderer!  
  
Paul -   
Natalie, I'm on your side. Okay? Let's get outta here.  
  
EXT. DORM - NIGHT  
  
The storm is raging. Natalie and Paul push open the doors and start running down the steps.  
  
WILLOW: Schlameil, schlamzel, Hossenpheiffer Corporated!  
BUFFY: (singing) And we'll do it our way, yes our way, making our dreams come true...  
XANDER: (singing) For me and youuuuu-uuuuuuu-uuuuu-uu-uu-uu-uuuuu.  
SPIKE: And you all say *I'm* scary.  
  
Paul -   
We'll go into town. We'll find a phone that works.  
  
BUFFY: (as Natalie) No! I don't want another Phone. You can't just replace Phone and expect me not to miss him.  
  
Suddenly, Brenda jumps out in front of them. Natalie screams.  
  
WILLOW: (as Natalie) Get something shiny, Paul! Quick! We can blind her with it.  
  
Brenda -   
What's going on? I heard Sasha on the radio and--  
  
SPIKE: (as Brenda) ...she was starting to tell that couple how to get unstuck, and she never finished. I need to know how to get unstuck in case it happens to me again. The paramedics always laugh.  
  
Natalie -   
She's dead.  
  
Brenda -   
Oh my God. Are you sure?  
  
SPIKE: (as Brenda) Damn it, now I'll never know.  
  
Paul -   
C'mon, we're outta here.  
  
Paul grabs Brenda's arm and all three of them begin running.  
  
Brenda -   
What?  
  
XANDER: What's with these people asking 'what' at the end of scenes?  
OTHERS: What?  
  
INT. RADIO STATION/MAIN HALL  
  
XANDER: Ha ha, guys. Cute. Very funny.  
  
We look up at the room where Sasha was killed.  
  
Reese - (o.s.)  
Hello?  
  
BUFFY: (as Reese) ...Sasha? Hi! I'm here to help... hello? I know it's been, like, two hours, but I had to stop for donuts. I *am* in training to be a real cop, you know.  
  
INT. SASHA'S RADIO ROOM  
  
The woman Sasha was talking to before the killer attacked can be heard, her words repeating over and over.  
  
Woman -   
I'm not stuck, he is. I'm not stuck, he is.  
  
WILLOW/BUFFY: (giggle)  
  
The words keep repeating. The door to the producer's booth opens and Reese comes in. She gasps when she sees Sasha's mutilated body. She gasps, horrified. She turns and runs out of the room.  
  
BUFFY: (as Reese) Guess I shouldn't have had that last jelly glaze... I feel a little oogie now. *Burp!* Nope, all better.  
  
EXT. CAMPUS  
  
Reese's cop car drives along the road, lights and sirens on.  
  
XANDER: I so want one of those cars!  
  
INT. COP CAR  
  
Reese talks on the phone. She is talking to Dean Adams's answering machine.  
  
Reese -   
Dean Adams? This is Reese.   
  
WILLOW: (as Reese) ...I'm in nothing but a pink silk nightie... and I'm on my way to your house for some lovin'.  
SPIKE: Nice.  
WILLOW: (shrugs modestly) I try.  
  
Nothing.  
  
Reese -   
Hello? Are you there? Well, you have my number. Use it.  
  
WILLOW: (as Reese) I don't know why I have sex with that man. He doesn't appreciate me.  
  
She hangs up the phone.  
  
EXT. ROAD  
  
The cop car speeds along.  
  
XANDER: I want--  
OTHERS: We know!  
  
EXT. ROAD/PAUL'S CAR  
  
Paul's car drives along the road, headed away from the campus.  
  
XANDER: Dude! Now he's got one? I feel so left out!  
  
INT. PAUL'S CAR  
  
Paul drives, stone faced. Natalie sits in the passenger seat, while Brenda sits in the back.  
  
BUFFY: ...staring at the keys dangling from the ignition.  
WILLOW: (as Brenda) Shiny?  
BUFFY: (as Natalie) That's right, Brenda. Shiny.  
  
Nobody speaks. There is a long silence. Paul concentrates on driving, trying to see out the window.  
  
SPIKE: ...but the sunshade is still up, and he can't reach it going ninety.  
  
Natalie -   
Hey, do you smell something?  
  
WILLOW: (as Brenda) Well, I didn't wanna say anything...  
  
Paul - (sniffs)  
No.  
  
SPIKE: (as Paul) ...just my own overwhelming B.O., and the Hootie pee, but other than that... no.  
  
Brenda looks out the window.  
  
Brenda -   
Hey, maybe we should stop over there at that gas station. See if the phones work.  
  
BUFFY: (as Natalie, sobbing) Phone! I love you, Phone! I'll never forget you.  
  
Paul -   
Okay. Fine.  
  
He doesn't seem to like that idea, but he goes along with it.  
  
SPIKE: Well, since he's the killer, he probably wants to get out into the boonies before killing them. Last time, that whole gas station thing almost backfired on him.  
  
EXT. GAS STATION  
  
Paul's car pulls into the gas station. It parks near a pump.  
  
XANDER: (in awe) I wonder if it fills up its own gas tank. That'd be cool.  
  
Paul -   
Be right back.  
  
WILLOW: (as Paul) Stay alive, no matter what occurs, I *will* find you!  
BUFFY/XANDER: (chuckle)  
SPIKE: I don't get it.  
WILLOW: Last of the Mohicans.  
XANDER: The movie.  
BUFFY: Probably not something you've ever seen.  
SPIKE: No, but I read the book.  
OTHERS: O_O  
XANDER: You read?  
SPIKE: (rolls his eyes)  
  
Natalie -   
Okay.  
  
Paul opens his door and steps outside. He shuts the door and jogs over to the gas station.  
  
BUFFY: Feel the burn, feel the burn.  
  
INT. PAUL'S CAR  
  
Brenda sniffs the air.  
  
XANDER: (as Brenda) Human tracks... three, maybe four days old.  
  
Brenda -   
It does reek in here.  
  
XANDER: (as Brenda) Oops... sorry, I had chili for dinner.  
  
Natalie -   
Yeah.  
  
XANDER: (as Natalie) ...put a cork in it, Shiny-Lover.  
  
Natalie rolls down her window.   
  
Brenda -   
Natalie, I'm sorry that I acted like such a jerk about you and Paul. You two like each other, and you should be together.  
  
XANDER: Yeah right. That's it? No fighting, and hair pulling?  
WILLOW: (to Xander) There goes that wishful thinking of yours again.  
  
Natalie smiles, and they hug. Suddenly, they hear Wexler's musical watch start to beep. They pull apart,  
  
BUFFY: ...and start dancing. (as Brenda) Go me! Go me!  
WILLOW: (as Natalie) Excuse me?  
BUFFY: (as Brenda) I meant, go you! Go you!  
  
confused. Brenda glances to the back of Paul's car, then back at Natalie.   
  
SPIKE: It's very simple. Paul's a thief.  
WILLOW: I thought he was the killer?  
SPIKE: Nah. Too easy.  
  
EXT. GAS STATION  
  
They both open their doors and step outside. Slowly, they make their way to the back of Paul's trunk. Brenda starts to open it. The stench comes out full blown, and they both back away, coughing. Brenda grabs the trunk and flings it open to reveal...  
  
XANDER: ...tiny, little demons with toothpick spears.  
SPIKE/BUFFY: Morshack demons.  
WILLOW/XANDER: O_O  
SPIKE: Ran into them in Brazil a few times.  
BUFFY: It was a whole big thing with Riley and the Initiative. All taken care of by now I'm sure. I hope.  
  
WEXLER'S MUTILATED BODY!  
  
They both gasp and back up. They glance at each other, then at Paul, who stares back at them from the gas station, phone pressed up against his ear. He watches them, confused.  
  
SPIKE: (as Paul) What are those things staring at me from my truck?  
XANDER: (as customer) Those are called, 'women'.  
  
Brenda -   
Like I said, he's all yours.  
  
They start to back away from the car, then they turn and run. They run across the street and  
  
SPIKE: ...get smashed by an eighteen wheeler. Scene!  
  
into the forest.   
  
BUFFY: (laughs) Oh, there just happens to be a forest near. Right.  
WILLOW: There's a forest in Sunnydale.  
BUFFY: Yeah, but-- and they-- ok.  
  
Paul throws the phone down and runs out of the gas station. He runs across the street and down the hill into the forest.  
  
SPIKE: (as Paul) My 'women' are getting away. Come back, 'women'.  
  
Paul -   
Natalie!  
  
Natalie and Brenda run side by side, pushing branches out of their way.  
  
WILLOW: Schlameil, schlamzel, Hossenpheiffer Corporated!  
BUFFY: (singing) And we'll do it our way, yes our way--  
SPIKE: No.  
BUFFY: But, it's LaVerne--  
WILLOW: --and Shirley!  
SPIKE: Definitely no.  
XANDER: Party pooper.  
  
Brenda -   
Where are we going?  
  
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Hopefully somewhere where lots of people are-- doh! We were just at a crowded gas station... duh. Should've stayed there.  
  
Natalie -   
Back to campus.  
  
Paul chases them, trying to catch up.  
  
ALL: (laugh at Paul)  
  
Natalie climbs over a small hill, pushing branches out of her way.  
  
WILLOW: ...and smacking Brenda in the face with them.  
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Take that! And that! That one's for being in too many scenes with me, and this one's for being so stupid, and that's--  
XANDER: Enough.  
  
Brenda almost slips, grabbing on to Natalie for support. They continue to run.  
  
Paul runs as fast as he can, trying to find Natalie and Brenda in the forest.   
  
SPIKE: (as Paul) The 'women' are too fast for me. I suck.  
  
Paul -   
Natalie!  
  
Brenda and Natalie continue to run, faster and faster. Suddenly, Brenda slips and falls down. She cries out,  
  
BUFFY: (as Brenda) Bitch!  
SPIKE: (as Natalie) Did you say something, Natalie?  
BUFFY: (as Brenda) Um, no... (whispers) bitch.  
  
but Natalie doesn't hear her. Natalie continues to run, overcome by  
  
WILLOW: ...selfishness. She doesn't give a fig for Brenda. Never has, never will.  
BUFFY: (as Natalie) It's about me! Me, I tell ya! Me!  
  
panic. She runs out of the forest. It isn't until she's surrounded by tall weeds that she realizes that Brenda's missing.  
  
XANDER: (scoffs) Yeah, right.  
  
Natalie -   
Brenda!  
  
Suddenly, a shriek from Brenda echoes around her.  
  
ALL: YAY!  
SPIKE: Die, Brenda! Die!  
  
Natalie -   
Brenda!  
  
The next voice she hears is not Brenda's but Paul's.  
  
XANDER: (as Paul) Natalie, I won't kill you... I like you. I just want to kill Brenda.  
WILLOW: (as Natalie) Oh, ok! Over here, Paul, I'll help you.  
  
Paul - (o.s.)  
Natalie!  
  
This spurs Natalie into  
  
XANDER: ...trees.  
WILLOW: (as Natalie) Ow.  
  
motion. She races ahead, heedless of the  
  
SPIKE: ...elephant gaining on her.  
BUFFY: *Squish*  
WILLOW: (as Natalie) Ow.  
  
branches and weeds slapping at her. She pushes everything out of her way,  
  
BUFFY: ...including the ten policemen trying to help her. Unable to stop her, they shoot her with a tranquilizer dart.  
WILLOW: (as Natalie) Ow.  
  
fear driving her. She breaks  
  
SPIKE: ...her neck.  
WILLOW: (as Natalie) Ow.  
  
from all the trees and weeds. She sees a road up ahead. She makes a mad dash for it.  
  
XANDER: ...but slips and falls, rolling back down the embankment, hitting her head on a rock at the bottom.  
WILLOW: (as Natalie) Ow.  
  
She makes it to the road.  
  
WILLOW: (as Natalie) Ow.  
OTHERS: ...?  
WILLOW: Habit... sorry.  
  
She climbs over the guard rail and runs into the middle of the road. A truck  
  
BUFFY: ...smacks into her. She gets stuck under the tire and is dragged for a good mile.  
WILLOW: (as Natalie) Ow.  
  
stops. Inside is the janitor.  
  
BUFFY: See, if Reese hadn't made him leave... Natalie never would've run into him and gotten killed.  
XANDER: Oh, now the janitor is the killer?  
BUFFY: Of course.  
  
Natalie -   
Stop, stop!  
  
The janitor rolls down his window.  
  
Janitor -   
What's wrong?  
  
WILLOW: (as Natalie) I have no Grey Poupon.  
  
Natalie -   
Someone's after me.  
  
WILLOW: (as Natalie) ...and I have no Grey Poupon.  
  
Janitor -   
Get in.  
  
XANDER: (as janitor) I'll turn on the lights and siren I keep in here for emergencies. And Grey Poupon outage *is* an emergency!  
  
Natalie makes her way to the other side of the truck and opens the door and climbs in.  
  
SPIKE: ...but, not knowing how to use a door, she falls back out.  
WILLOW: (as Natalie) Ow.  
  
INT. TRUCK  
  
Natalie closes the door and sits back. The janitor puts his foot on the gas and the truck starts moving.  
  
BUFFY: Oh! That's how that works! I always tried to put my foot on the brake to make it go. Never quite worked.  
WILLOW: (giggles) With your driving, I believe that.  
BUFFY: Hey. Leave me and my vehicular skills out of this.  
XANDER: Or lack thereof.  
SPIKE: (laughs) You can't drive, Slayer? Tsk.  
BUFFY: It's by choice, thank you very much.  
WILLOW: (laughing) Yeah, you choose not to put everyone in danger by being on the road.  
BUFFY: *Ahem!*  
  
Janitor -   
You okay?  
  
Natalie -   
No.  
  
XANDER: (as janitor) Well, I didn't actually want a real answer. A false, 'yes' would've sufficed.  
  
Janitor -   
Got a coat right there.  
  
WILLOW: ...ok. Is he proud of that fact, or....?  
BUFFY: I think he's offering it to her.  
WILLOW: Oh. Ok then.  
  
Natalie turns in her seat to grab the coat, but stops. It's the same coat the killer wore!  
  
ALL: Oh, my God! (snicker)  
XANDER: Where exactly are they that everyone at this college has the same coat? A parka, at that.  
BUFFY: (shrugs) L.L. Bean University?  
  
She looks up at the janitor, horrified. She doesn't know if he's the killer, but she doesn't want to stick around and find out.   
  
SPIKE: Jump! Jump! Jump! Jump!  
  
Janitor -   
Ain't gonna bite ya.  
  
XANDER: (as janitor) I won't, but the coat might.  
  
Natalie backs away, pressing herself against the door.   
  
BUFFY: ...the door flies open, spilling Natalie out into the street.  
WILLOW: (as Natalie) Ow.  
  
Natalie -   
Okay, just let me out right here.  
  
Janitor -   
What?  
  
SPIKE: (as Natalie) I said, um... obey must, me doubt light beer.  
  
Natalie grabs the handle and starts jerking it,  
  
SPIKE: I've got better things she could be jerking--  
WILLOW: (to Spike) And you were doing so well.  
SPIKE: Exactly the problem. I feel better now.  
  
but it won't open. She continues to try, grunting from the effort.  
  
Janitor -   
What are you doing?  
  
SPIKE: (as Natalie) Jerking off the door. It's not very responsive though.  
OTHERS: (groan)  
  
Natalie turns to the janitor, frightened.  
  
Natalie -   
Please, just let me out.  
  
Janitor - (matter of factly)  
Door won't open from the inside.  
  
XANDER: (as janitor) Muwahahahahaha! Wahaha! Waha. Muwa... O_O  
WILLOW: Wow, that was... evil, Xander.  
BUFFY: Totally.  
SPIKE: (snorts) Totally wimpy maybe.  
  
Natalie stares, scared. She's trapped inside a small truck with someone who could be a killer. She continues to try to open the door, wanting to desperately get out.   
  
Janitor -   
Stop that!  
  
BUFFY: (as janitor) How dare you try to get free? What's the matter with you?  
  
When Natalie continues, he grabs her.  
  
XANDER: (as janitor) Got your boobie!  
WILLOW: (as Natalie) Um, sir, it's actually... 'got your nose', and that *is* my nose... so...  
XANDER: (as janitor) Got your boobie!  
WILLOW: (as Natalie) ...well ok!  
  
Janitor -   
What's wrong with ya?  
  
BUFFY: (as Natalie, whispering) You've got boogers, sir. And you're icky.  
  
Natalie looks around desperately, wanting to escape. The janitor looks out the front windshield. So does Natalie.  
  
SPIKE: (as janitor) Oh... look. I can drive better when I look out this big clear thing in front. Imagine that.  
XANDER: (as Natalie) I'm just as shocked as you are, sir.  
  
NATALIE'S POV  
  
Paul's car appears, lights off.  
  
XANDER: Oh, his car is broken. I don't want one anymore if they break that easily.  
  
NORMAL VIEW  
  
The janitor reaches for a button.  
  
BUFFY: ...causing fire to shoot out of the dashboard and burn Natalie up.  
WILLOW: (as Natalie) Ow.  
  
Janitor -   
Idiot kids.  
  
Natalie -   
NO!  
  
BUFFY: Ok, so now who does she think is the killer?  
SPIKE: Paul?  
XANDER: The janitor.  
SPIKE: No. Paul.  
XANDER: No. The janitor.  
WILLOW: Or... she has no idea.  
  
The janitor pushes the button.  
  
SPIKE: ...and the truck explodes.  
WILLOW: (as Natalie) Ow.  
  
EXT. ROAD  
  
The truck's lights flash. The two cars pass right by each other.  
  
WILLOW: (singing) Stranger's in the night...  
XANDER: (singing) ...exchanging glances...  
  
INT. TRUCK  
  
Natalie looks out the back windshield.  
  
XANDER: More commonly known as the back window.  
  
NATALIE'S POV  
  
The car makes a swift U-turn. It starts chasing Natalie and the   
janitor.  
  
WILLOW: Christine, no!  
  
NORMAL VIEW  
  
Natalie -   
It's him.  
  
SPIKE: (as janitor) Him, who?  
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Him, the killer.  
SPIKE: (as janitor) And who's the killer?  
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Him.  
  
The janitor looks out the back windshield.  
  
XANDER: Still more commonly known as the back window.  
  
JANITOR'S POV  
  
Sure enough, it's the killer. The lights on Paul's truck start to   
flash.  
  
NORMAL VIEW  
  
Natalie goes hysterical.  
  
WILLOW: (as Natalie going hysterical) Eek.  
  
Natalie -   
Keep going! Keep going! Come on!  
  
EXT. ROAD  
  
Paul's car gets dangerously close, its lights flashing.   
  
INT. TRUCK  
  
Natalie -   
Keep going! Faster!  
  
SPIKE: Is she being chased, or having sex?  
  
EXT. ROAD  
  
The two cars come to a bend. Paul's car gets right alongside the   
janitor's. Natalie looks out the window  
  
BUFFY: ...just as it shatters.  
WILLOW: (as Natalie) Ow.  
  
and sees the killer staring at her.  
  
BUFFY: Natalie is not cooperating with the deaths we keep giving her.  
WILLOW: No, she's not. Bad, Natalie.  
  
He suddenly grabs his wheel and rams right into the truck.  
  
The truck swerves to the side. Another bend is coming up. Right as they start to turn, the killer smashes his car into the truck.   
Natalie and the janitor scream as the truck flies off the road, into the air.   
  
The truck hits the ground, hard.  
  
WILLOW: (as Natalie) Ow.  
  
It rolls down a hill before coming to a stop.  
  
WILLOW: (as Natalie) Ow. Ow. Ow... ow.  
  
INT. TRUCK  
  
Natalie looks over at the janitor.  
  
SPIKE: She just doesn't die. She's like... you, Slayer.  
BUFFY: And you, Vampire.  
  
Huge gashes are on his head. He doesn't move. He's dead.  
  
BUFFY: Oh, look. Now she's responisble for another death. What's the toll up to?  
SPIKE: Eight without this guy, and nine if you count Hootie.  
  
Natalie rolls down the window. She reaches out with her arm and opens the truck's door.  
  
EXT. FOREST  
  
Natalie climbs out of the truck and heads for the forest. She turns and looks behind her, trying to see if the killer's chasing her. She turns and runs down a dirt path.  
  
XANDER: Oh, look. More running. We could just... skip this part. And all the other long boring parts.  
WILLOW: That'd be wrong.  
SPIKE: Why are we reading these anyway? Who says we have to?  
BUFFY: No one... specifically. But I feel like something might happen if we don't.  
WILLOW: Me too.  
XANDER: Ditto.  
SPIKE: (sighs)  
  
INT. CAMPUS SECURITY STATION  
  
Reese pushes open the doors and walks over to her desk. She opens a drawer and pulls out a case. She lays it on the desk and opens it. Inside is a very big, very formidable  
  
SPIKE: ...banana.  
  
gun. Reese picks up the  
  
SPIKE: ...banana  
  
gun and the clip. She looks over at a poster of Pam Greer,  
  
SPIKE: It's Grier. I already explained this once before. Get it straight, people.  
  
and nods. She slams the clip into the  
  
SPIKE: ...banana, smashing it and getting sticky goop all over the clip.  
XANDER: (as Reese) Damn, should've used a gun instead.  
  
gun.  
  
EXT. CAMPUS - LATER  
  
Natalie runs out of the forest and across the street. She comes to a tall, rectangular intercom booth. She pushes the button. It buzzes.   
  
WILLOW: (as Natalie) Hello, Miss Cleo? I'm being chased by a killer, what should I do?  
BUFFY: (as Miss Cleo) Call somebody who cares, honey. I don't.  
  
Natalie -   
Hello? Anybody there?  
  
She presses the button again.  
  
Natalie -   
Hello? Can anybody hear me? Hello?  
  
XANDER: The operators are all listening to her and giggling.  
  
Brenda - (o.s.)  
Somebody help me!  
  
Natalie is stunned.  
  
SPIKE: (as Natalie) Brenda's not dead yet. What does it take to kill that girl?  
  
She looks into the distance. There stands Stanley Hall, a light illuminating from one room.  
  
WILLOW: Stanley Hall... supposedly haunted... anyone else seeing similarities here?  
BUFFY: Between?  
XANDER: The Shining!  
SPIKE: The Stanley Hotel in Colorado.  
BUFFY: Oh, yeah. I remember now.  
WILLOW: Yep. I think someone's a thief. Hear that, Mr. Writer?  
  
Brenda - (o.s.)  
Oh, God!  
  
Natalie looks up at the window.  
  
SPIKE: (as Natalie) Should I help her... or let her get killed? Hmm, decisions, decisions.  
  
Brenda SCREAMS!  
  
ALL: Shut up!  
  
Natalie starts running toward Stanley Hall, intent on  
  
XANDER: ..doing the Macarena with Brenda's dead body.  
  
saving her friend.   
  
Brenda - (o.s.)  
Somebody help me!  
  
BUFFY: Oh, shut up. Help's on the way already, loud mouth.  
  
Natalie runs over to a window. She looks around. She spots some wood piled up. She climbs onto it and lifts herself up.  
  
WILLOW: (as Natalie) Peek-a-boo!  
  
INT. STANLEY HALL  
  
Rats chew on pieces of wood and other assorted junk.  
  
XANDER: Sounds like your place, Spike.  
SPIKE: Eat me.  
XANDER: I, unlike you, don't eat people.  
SPIKE: (mutters) Poor, Anya.  
WILLOW: (bursts out laughing)  
BUFFY: (suspicious) What's so funny?  
SPIKE: (shrugs)  
BUFFY: Then what's Willow laughing about?  
WILLOW: (laughs) Nothing... just, um, ha. Funny movie. Look.  
XANDER/BUFFY: (look suspicious)  
  
They scatter suddenly when Natalie climbs through the window. She crouches and begins to walk, not wanting to touch anything.  
  
BUFFY: ...ok.  
  
Brenda - (o.s.)  
Somebody help me! He's going to kill me!  
  
ALL: We can only hope.  
  
Natalie stands up and walks out of the room.  
  
XANDER: ...deciding not to crawl the whole way.  
  
INT. MAIN ROOM  
  
Natalie enters the main hall, looking around carefully, trying to   
determine where Brenda's screams are coming from.  
  
XANDER: (in a deep, mencaing voice) The calls are coming from... *inside* the house!  
  
Brenda - (o.s.)  
Please!  
  
XANDER: Hey! Did she just scoff at me?  
  
Her cries for help are coming from up stairs. Natalie makes her way over to the stairs.  
  
WILLOW: ...but decides there are too many steps to climb, so she gives up and leaves.  
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Oh, well. Sorry, Brenda. I tried.  
  
Brenda - (o.s.)  
Please, somebody help me!  
  
Natalie begins to climb the stairs. She holds onto the railing for support.  
  
SPIKE: ...because she's suddenly eighty, and unable to walk.  
  
She makes it to the first platform. She begins to ascend the final steps. She stops when she hears Brenda sobbing.  
  
WILLOW: ...then turns around and runs out of there laughing.  
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Brenda's dying! Yay! Brenda's finally dying.  
  
Brenda - (o.s.)  
Please don't.  
  
Natalie climbs the rest of the stairs and starts to walk down the hall. The door to room 202 is slightly open. Natalie pushes it open and walks inside.  
  
WILLOW: This is beyond boring.  
SPIKE: You mean, you're not on the edge of your seat with suspense?  
WILLOW: (looks at Spike from her lounging position on the chair beside him) Nope.  
  
INT. ROOM 202  
  
BUFFY: Wait a minute! Room 202 was in I Still Know What You Did Last Summer! It's a conspiracy. A conspiracy, I tell you.  
XANDER: Or... a coincidence?  
BUFFY: I don't believe in coincidences.  
  
A small room with two beds. Suddenly, the door slams close and Brenda screams. Natalie whips around to the door and grabs the knob, trying to open it. No luck.  
  
WILLOW: ...so she gives up and goes home.  
SPIKE: (as Natalie) Screw this... you're on your own, Brenda.  
  
She looks around, spots a door and runs over there. She grabs the knob and opens it.  
  
SPIKE: Opens the knob?  
WILLOW: Oh, no. Attack of the literal-ness.  
  
A barrel falls out of the closet, Parker's lifeless body tumbling out of the barrel!  
  
ALL: (flatly) Ahh.  
WILLOW: (as Natalie) Ow.  
SPIKE: ...?  
WILLOW: It fell on her.  
  
Natalie screams and backs away. She backs into the bed.  
  
XANDER: ...and decides to take a nap.  
  
Suddenly, she stops. She looks down and sees that a hand is sticking out from the covers.  
  
XANDER: (as Natalie) Damn... this bed's already taken.  
  
Natalie doesn't move. She reaches out slowly for the covers. She grabs it and pulls it back to reveal...  
  
DEAN ADAMS'S BLOODY CORPSE!  
  
ALL: (flatly) Ahh.  
BUFFY: Ew, Dean Adams goosed her.  
  
Natalie screams and runs toward the only door left. She throws it open and screams  
  
XANDER: ...like James Brown.  
  
when Damon's body flies out at her.  
  
ALL: (flatly) Ahh.  
XANDER: I am so terrified.  
  
He's hanging from the ceiling, a noose around his neck. His face is still flecked with blood. Various types of chains hang from the ceiling.  
  
SPIKE: (sing-songing) Someone's a sadist, or a masochist. Or both.  
WILLOW: Or, someone's a killer.  
SPIKE: Or all three.  
WILLOW: The sado masochism doesn't go with the killer part?  
SPIKE: No.  
WILLOW: Oh.  
  
Natalie pushes past Damon's body and into the small hallway. She comes to a door and pushes it  
  
BUFFY: ...but it's locked, so she gives up and leaves.  
  
open.  
  
INT. ROOM  
  
It's the room Natalie saw when she was buzzing for help. There are candles everywhere.  
  
XANDER: (as Natalie) Awww, Paul, did you set all this up? A candlelit dinner? You're so sweet! Could've done without the mutilated bodies though.  
  
The room is very dreary. Natalie walks into the room. She starts to look around.  
  
WILLOW: (as Natalie) Let's see... some curtains, a few throw rugs... new furniture, a little paint. We'll have this place looking great in not time!  
  
She gasps when she sees the bed in the center of the room. On the bed is...  
  
XANDER: ...Paul and Reese.  
OTHERS: Ew.  
XANDER: Ok. Paul and Brenda.  
OTHERS: Ew.  
XANDER: (exasperated) Ok. Brenda and Reese.  
OTHERS: That's better.  
XANDER: Ew.  
  
BRENDA!  
  
Her body is motionless. Natalie begins to sob.  
  
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Wah.  
  
She sinks to the floor by the bed. She sobs uncontrollably. Nothing matters any more. Her friends are dead. One of them might be the killer. Her whole world has been shattered.  
  
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Wah, wah, wah! Woe is me, and nobody loves me, and woe is me. I'm so abused. People always try to kill me. Wah. Pity me. Pity me.  
  
She's so lost in thought that she doesn't notice Brenda rise up from the bed. Natalie senses something and she turns just when Brenda punches her right in the face.  
  
ALL BUT WILLOW: O_O  
WILLOW: Serves her right.  
  
Natalie falls to the floor,  
  
WILLOW: (as Natalie) I've fallen and I can't get up.  
  
unconscious. Brenda slowly smiles.  
  
FADE OUT  
  
XANDER: Yeah! It's over!  
  
FADE IN  
  
XANDER: Aw, man.  
  
INT. ROOM  
  
NATALIE'S POV  
  
Brenda enters the room, wearing the parka. She comes toward Natalie and bends down. She rips the hood back.  
  
WILLOW: (as Brenda) Ta-da!  
  
Brenda -   
Gotcha!  
  
  
WILLOW: That works too.  
  
She begins to unzip the parka.  
  
SPIKE: Ooo, naked Brenda?  
BUFFY: No. Geez, is that all you care about? Sex, and blood?  
SPIKE: Pretty much.  
  
NORMAL VIEW  
  
Natalie is tied to the bed, duck tape  
  
ALL: (laugh)  
BUFFY: (as announcer) And the correct pronunciation is...  
ALL: Duct tape!  
  
over her mouth.  
  
Brenda -   
I must say Natalie, you have proven your friendship to me. Coming all the way out here to rescue me...without even a little pepper spray to defend yourself. Very endearing.  
  
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Cool, then you'll let me go? Great, thanks.  
  
Natalie mumbles something.  
  
Brenda -   
Excuse me? I'm sorry, but I can't understand a thing you're saying, doll.  
  
SPIKE: I think I like her now.  
XANDER: Yeah, me too.  
BUFFY: She's better than she was.  
WILLOW: I still can't stand her.  
  
Natalie mumbles something again.  
  
Brenda - (chuckling)  
Now, if I remove the gag, you've got to promise me that you won't  
  
WILLOW: (as Brenda) ...wave anything shiny in front of my face... I'm still succeptible.  
  
scream. Lord knows I got enough of that with Sasha.  
  
She waves to Natalie. Brenda laughs and tears the gag off.  
  
Natalie -   
You're fucking crazy!  
  
SPIKE: Well, technically she's not fu--  
WILLOW: Spike.  
SPIKE: Fu--  
WILLOW: Spike!  
SPIKE: Fucking! There, I got it out, bloody hell. (clears his throat) Anyway, as I was saying. Technically, she's not fucking, just crazy.  
  
Brenda laughs. She gets up off the bed and walks over to the foot of the bed.  
  
Brenda -   
I prefer the term "eccentric." But yeah, I guess you could say I'm a little nutty.  
  
Natalie -   
Why?  
  
XANDER: (as Brenda) Um, because I sort of am? A little nutty. I mean, why else would I--  
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Excuse me... but, I meant, why are you doing this to me? Me. Me. Me. Remember?  
  
Brenda - (mimicking)  
Why? Why? (shouts) Why? You still haven't figured it out, have you?  
  
SPIKE: (as Natalie) Oh yeah, I figured it out a long time ago... I just, uh, I just need confirmation, that's all.  
  
Well, lucky for you, Miss Thing, I have a visual aid!  
  
WILLOW: I want a cool nickname like that!  
XANDER: How about, Miss Witch?  
BUFFY: Or, Miss Techie?  
SPIKE: Or, Miss Prude?  
WILLOW: (sarcastically) Oh, I like them all, so many to choose from.  
  
Brenda storms over to a table and grabs a remote to the projector.  
  
BUFFY: Projector? There's a projector?  
SPIKE: Guess so.  
  
She hits the button. A picture appears on the wall. It shows Brenda wearing a bathing suit,  
  
SPIKE: Pictures!  
XANDER: Pictures!  
  
standing next to a guy.  
  
WILLOW: Pictures!  
BUFFY: Pictures!  
  
Brenda walks over to Natalie.  
  
Brenda -   
There I am, Natalie, with my boyfriend. The love of my life.   
  
ALL: Aww.  
  
She grabs Natalie's head and pulls it close to her.  
  
SPIKE: ...and breaks her neck. Scene!  
  
Brenda - (cont'd)  
Have you found the love of your life yet, Natalie?  
  
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Well, actually--  
  
Of course not.   
  
BUFFY: (as Natalie) But, I was trying to tell you--  
  
She shoves Natalie's head back onto the bed.  
  
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Ow. I have found--  
  
Brenda -   
Too self involved to bother.  
  
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Well, ok, you got me there.  
  
Pic ring any bells, Nat?  
  
The picture changes to show an article from a newspaper. There's a picture of Brenda's boyfriend. The headline reads: "Teen killed in apparent gang initiation." It's the man Natalie and Michelle killed!  
  
XANDER: (gasps in mock surprise) Oh, my God!  
  
Natalie -   
Oh my God.  
  
XANDER: I just covered that.  
  
Brenda -   
Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding! His name was David Evans.  
  
BUFFY: Wait. Not David Evans again. Didn't we already go through this in I Know What You Did Last Summer?  
WILLOW: That was David Egan.  
BUFFY: You sure?  
WILLOW: Positive.  
  
Brenda walks over and stands in front of the picture.  
  
Brenda -   
The one you and your friends decided to have a little fun with that night! You know, David and I were going to get married that summer, right after graduation.  
  
SPIKE: (as Natalie) Good thing we killed him then, 'cause look at what a loony psycho bitch you turned out to be.  
BUFFY: (as Brenda) Fair enough.  
  
Tears begin to well up in Brenda's eyes. She tries to stop them.  
  
Brenda -   
He didn't have enough money to buy me a ring yet, so he got me this instead.  
  
She grabs the necklace and holds it.  
  
WILLOW: (as Brenda) Ooo, shiny... tee hee... shiny, Natalie. Look.  
  
Her face turns angry, and she rips the necklace off her neck.  
  
XANDER: (as Brenda) Ow. Why'd I do that? That was stupid.  
BUFFY: (as Brenda) No more shiny, Natalie... no more.  
  
Brenda -   
The night you took him away from me!  
  
She throws the necklace to the ground.  
  
WILLOW: (as Natalie) You know, you might actually wanna hang on to that... you might want it later, when you're not being homicidal.  
  
Natalie -   
Brenda, I wasn't--  
  
Brenda -   
You weren't driving, but it was your car! And you were there, Natalie!  
  
XANDER: (as Natalie) Well, once again, you've got me.  
  
She takes in a lungful of air, calming down. She moves over to   
Natalie's side.  
  
Brenda -   
Now, didn't you tell me you were having a little difficulty...  
  
SPIKE: (as Brenda) ...urinating?  
OTHERS: Ew.  
  
forgiving yourself? Well, I thought, as a friend, I could help you out in that department.  
  
BUFFY: Isn't that nice of her? How sweet!  
SPIKE: (as Brenda) Here, I'll turn on some water.  
  
She laughs insanely. Then, her demeanor gets cold.  
  
Brenda -   
Payback's a bitch, isn't it, Natalie?  
  
WILLOW: (as Brenda) This is what you get for shoving all those shiny objects in front of my face... for stunning me, which kept me from participating in things.  
  
Natalie -   
Brenda, please, you need to get help.  
  
Brenda -   
I have already tried therapy!  
  
XANDER: (to the others) Well, they say therapy isn't for everyone.  
SPIKE: If therapy doesn't work, try homicide. Works for me.  
BUFFY: You know, if you insist on reminding us of the fact that you're a cold-blooded killer... literally, then I'll be forced to stake you. Or at least consider it lots.  
  
She walks around to the front of the bed and sticks her head in between two of the bars on the metal headboard.  
  
XANDER: ...and, like Superman, uses all her strength to pry them apart and free the blankets?  
OTHERS: Sure.  
  
Brenda -   
Obviously, it did me no good, Natalie. And I must say, I am kind   
of enjoying all of this. Playing with your pretty little head.  
  
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Really? You think I'm pretty? We have so much in common.  
  
She shakes the bars,  
  
WILLOW: (as Brenda) Attica! Attica!  
  
then moves away from the bed.  
  
Brenda -   
You used an urban legend to kill my boyfriend, Natalie. And now--  
  
SPIKE: (as Brenda) ...I love you. Let's have sex!  
BUFFY: (rolls her eyes) One track mind.  
  
Natalie -   
What are you going to do?  
  
SPIKE: (as Brenda) Have sex with you.  
  
Brenda -   
Oh, just my favorite U.L.  
  
She stands next to a table with a cloth covering it. She grabs the cloth and jerks it off, revealing  
  
XANDER: ...sex toys. Whips and chains and--  
WILLOW: I've always wanted to try chains...  
OTHERS: O_O  
WILLOW: I'm kidding! Remember vamp me? In her world they have people in chains...? It was a joke.  
SPIKE: O_O  
WILLOW: It was a joke!  
  
two metal trays filled with medical equipment. Scalpels, knives, scissors...  
  
WILLOW: (as Brenda) Uh-oh... shiny... wait, what was I saying? Ooo... pretty shiny thing... um, where was I?  
  
Brenda -   
The kidney heist.  
  
ALL: Cool.  
  
She grabs a scalpel off of a tray and whistles. She turns toward   
Natalie and waves the scalpel in front of her face.  
  
SPIKE: (as Brenda) I'll cut ya, man, I'll cut ya!  
  
Brenda -   
You do know this one, don't you, Natalie? A guy gets picked up by a  
  
XANDER: (as Brenda) ...gorilla, and thrown fifty feet. Painful, I'm sure.  
  
woman at a bar. She takes him back to her hotel room. She fixes him a drink. Boom!  
  
BUFFY: (as Brenda) She blows up! Messy... very messy.  
  
He's knocked out. When he wakes up, he's in a bathtub full of  
  
WILLOW: (as Brenda) ...godfish. Dead goldfish.  
  
ice and he realizes that one of his kidneys has been removed! Supposedly they sell them on the black market. I don't think it's ever actually happened, though. Until tonight.  
  
SPIKE: (grins) Oh, it's happened. Just not by humans. Dru had a fondness for--  
OTHERS: O_O  
SPIKE: (laughs nervously) Kidding... kidding!  
  
She smiles wickedly.  
  
BUFFY: (as Brenda) Who loves ya, baby?  
  
INT. COP CAR  
  
The  
  
SPIKE: ...banana  
  
gun sits beside Reese, who has her eyes on the road, looking for anyone suspicious.  
  
XANDER: ...but so far, all she's seen is two men in dirty white masks. One carrying a machete, the other a chainsaw. And some guy in a green and red striped sweater with knives for fingers... nothing suspicious yet.  
  
EXT. STANLEY HALL  
  
The cop car comes to a stop on the road beside Stanley Hall.  
  
INT. COP CAR  
  
Reese stares at Stanley Hall.  
  
WILLOW: (as Reese) That is one ugly-ass building.  
  
REESE'S POV  
  
She looks at the light coming from the room near the top of Stanley Hall.  
  
INT. STANLEY HALL/ROOM  
  
Natalie struggles against her ropes.  
  
SPIKE: (as Natalie) Let's have some bondage fun.  
  
Natalie -   
You'll never get away with this.  
  
Brenda -   
Natalie, of course I will. I've got the perfect murderer in the trunk of Paul's car. Wexler!  
  
Natalie -   
You're sick.  
  
BUFFY: (as Brenda) No, I'm not. I don't even have the sniffles. Thanks for caring though. That's sweet!  
  
Brenda -   
Professor does away with his students and then kills himself in the same manner as the course he teaches. It's beautiful. It's so fucking clean, isn't it! Well, enough chat, Nat! Now, I am sorry, but I don't have any anesthesia. I guess you'll just have to bite down real hard on that gag and hope that you go into shock soon enough.  
  
Natalie - (crying)  
Please don't do this.  
  
WILLOW: (as Natalie) Wah. Sob. Boo hoo. Wah.  
XANDER: (to Willow) I think this time her crying is valid.  
WILLOW: I don't have to like it though.  
  
Brenda -   
Oh. Don't you want to be an urban legend? All your friends are now.  
  
Brenda grabs  
  
SPIKE: ...Natalie's breast.  
WILLOW: Oh, look at that. You kept is semi clean.  
SPIKE: (cocky grin)  
  
the gag and goes to put it on Natalie's  
  
SPIKE: ...breast.  
  
mouth. When Brenda's hand comes into  
  
SPIKE: ...contact with her breast, Natalie--  
BUFFY: Ok, ok. We are not turning this into a porno.  
  
reach, Natalie bites down on it.  
  
WILLOW: (giggles) It kinda fit.  
  
Brenda jerks her hand back quickly.  
  
Brenda -   
Ouch! Stupid bitch!  
  
Brenda slaps Natalie across the face. Natalie begins to cry.  
  
ALL: (laugh)  
XANDER: What are they, two?  
  
Brenda -   
I am really going to enjoy watching you bleed to death.   
  
ALL: Me too!  
  
She puts the gag onto Natalie's mouth.  
  
Brenda -   
Now, is this the kidney?  
  
She stabs the scalpel into Natalie's exposed abdomen.  
  
SPIKE: (smiles in reminiscence) Good times. Good times.  
  
Natalie cries out in pain. Her scream is muffled by  
  
SPIKE: ...Brenda's breast--  
XANDER: Ok, ok. That's enough breasts.  
SPIKE: (chuckles)  
  
the gag.  
  
Brenda -   
Or is that the liver? I was always such a dope in anatomy. Well, who cares, right? First organ I see, I'm just gonna grab it.  
  
BUFFY: I guess that'd work too.  
  
She stabs the scalpel back into the first wound she made, and begins slicing Natalie's stomach open. Natalie screams in  
  
WILLOW: ...happiness, thrilled to have someone pay her so much attention.  
  
agony, the pain so excruciating. Suddenly, Reese appears in the doorway,  
  
SPIKE: ...banana in hand.  
  
gun held out in front of her.  
  
XANDER: (as Brenda) Aww, spoil my fun.  
  
Reese -   
Drop the weapon!  
  
Brenda turns around in apparent disgust.  
  
BUFFY: We're right there with ya, Brenda.  
  
Brenda -   
Oh, great. Rent-a-cop to the rescue?  
  
Brenda pulls the scalpel out of Natalie and drops it. Reese walks toward her, and Brenda stands up.  
  
WILLOW: (as Natalie) Reese, quick, grab the scalpel and shine it in her face, it'll incapacitate her!  
  
Reese -   
Hands up! Get against the wall, you looney, psycho bitch!  
  
SPIKE: Hey! That's my line! Line-stealer!  
  
Brenda backs up toward the wall. Reese, with the  
  
SPIKE: ...banana  
  
gun still pointed at Brenda, bends down to Natalie and begins untying her.  
  
Reese -   
It's all right, sugar. Everything's gonna be okay.  
  
Reese finishes untying one of Natalie's hands and moves toward Brenda.  
  
XANDER: (as Reese) Come over here, honey, I wanna tie you up and get down with you.  
OTHERS: O_O  
XANDER: (shrugs) It's catching?  
  
Reese -   
Move it! Move it!  
  
XANDER: (as Reese) ...dance for me, sucker! Dance!  
  
Brenda backs up and turns to face the boarded up window. Reese begins checking her for weapons while Natalie starts untying her other arm.  
  
Reese -   
Don't you move.  
  
WILLOW: (as Brenda) But, how can I dance, if I don't move?  
  
Reese reaches into her pockets for her handcuffs.  
  
XANDER: (as Reese) Now... we're gonna have a little fun with bondage.  
  
Suddenly, a knife appears in Brenda's hand and she screams.  
  
BUFFY: (as Brenda) Ahh! Where'd this come from?  
  
She spins around and slashes Reese across the chest. Reese goes down,  
  
SPIKE: ...on Brenda--  
BUFFY: Ok! That's enough. Stop with the perverted stuff.  
WILLOW: Please.  
XANDER: Ok. Sorry.  
SPIKE: We'll see.  
  
dropping the gun and handcuffs. Reese falls to the ground. Natalie has gotten her other hand free and begins working on her feet.   
  
WILLOW: Bored now.  
XANDER: Bored half an hour ago.  
BUFFY: Bored two hours ago.  
SPIKE: Always bored.  
  
Brenda screams and jumps  
  
WILLOW: ...up and down in a temper tantrum.  
  
down on top of Reese. They struggle, both reaching out for the gun. They roll across the floor, screaming.  
  
XANDER: Ooo, chick fight.  
SPIKE: Not the same without pictures.  
XANDER: Nope. Sure ain't.  
  
Natalie has one of her legs free. She works quickly while Reese has Brenda occupied. Reese's hand grazes the butt of  
  
BUFFY: ...Brenda.  
SPIKE: Hey. None of that.  
XANDER: No perverted stuff, remember.  
  
the gun, but Brenda jerks it back. She reaches out and grabs  
  
WILLOW: ...Reese's butt in retaliation.  
  
it. Before Reese can try and grab it away from her, Brenda shoots her point blank.  
  
Natalie has finished untying herself and jumps off the bed. She begins racing for the door but Brenda stands up, pointing the gun at her.  
  
Brenda -   
Don't you fucking move!  
  
BUFFY: Great... now there's going to be more stalling, and more fighting and arguing, and no dying, and damn it, just end!  
  
Natalie stops in her tracks.  
  
Brenda -   
Shit. Bullet through the head. Not exactly an urban legend, but in the essence of time--  
  
SPIKE: Work with what ya got. Improvisation is a wonderful thing.  
BUFFY: Yeah it is.  
  
Natalie -   
It's not going to bring him back, Brenda. None of this--  
  
Brenda -   
I know that, Natalie!  
  
WILLOW: (as Brenda) Duh! I'm not stupid.  
  
But it will bring a devastated little Paul right into my arms. I'll have him, and he'll have his  
  
BUFFY: (as Brenda) ...blow-up doll.  
  
Pulitzer. What did you think, Natalie? That I was gonna let you take two men outta my life?  
  
XANDER: (as Natalie) Well... yeah.  
  
Suddenly, they hear applause. They both turn to see...  
  
BUFFY: ...Barney Fife pulling his bullet out of his pocket.  
  
PAUL  
  
XANDER: Oh. Yay. More putting off of Natalie's death.  
  
enter the room!  
  
Paul -   
Very well done.  
  
He walks into the room and stands beside Natalie.  
  
Paul -   
I couldn't have planned it better myself.  
  
BUFFY: Oh, please, now we're supposed to believe that he's in on it too? Or he's gonna join forces with Brenda. As if.  
WILLOW: Wow, that was a fairly good imitation of Alicia Silverstone.  
BUFFY: (grins) Thanks!  
  
Brenda -   
Really?  
  
Paul -   
Oh, yeah. I thought I was screwed after Natalie here fucked it up for me with the dean.  
  
XANDER: (as Paul) That's why I tried to save her.  
SPIKE: (as Brenda) Um, why again?  
XANDER: (as Paul) Oh, shoot, I haven't worked out that part of the lie. You caught me.  
  
But this. This is just what I need. A few things though, okay?  
  
Brenda -   
I'm listening.  
  
WILLOW: (as Paul) First, you let us all go, get Reese to a hospital, and promise to never kill again.  
SPIKE: (as Brenda) No way. I like killing.  
WILLOW: (as Paul) Then I'll be forced to bring out... the Comfy Chair! (as herself, giggling) The... Comfy Chair!  
OTHERS: @_@  
WILLOW: You know... Monty Python... the Spanish Inquisition? No one expects--  
SPIKE: The Spanish Inquisition! I know it, of course, but... why do you?  
WILLOW: Duh, t.v.. My dad's a huge fan.  
XANDER: (laughs) I remember now. He always made us watch it with him. It's been a long time since I've seen it though.  
BUFFY: O_O  
WILLOW: Anyway...  
  
Paul -   
Well, I need some details for my articles. You know, about how Wexler did each one. Details only you could give me.   
  
XANDER: Yeah, 'cause, no one would wonder how they got the details.  
  
Brenda -   
It would be great for your career. And we'd be so fuckin' hot together, Paul.   
  
WILLOW: (to Brenda) Language, Missy!  
  
Paul -   
And I'd be very grateful. So why don't you give me the gun? I'll take care of the rest.  
  
A long silence. Brenda smiles.  
  
Brenda -   
You're cute, Paul.  
  
XANDER: (as Paul) I know.  
  
She raises the gun and points it at Paul.  
  
Brenda -   
But you're not that fucking cute!  
  
BUFFY: (as Paul) Damn. Plan B. Shiny Brenda! Look, Brenda, shiny! Keys, Brenda... look. Shiny.  
  
She begins pointing the gun at Paul, then Natalie.  
  
Brenda -   
So, which one of you do I kill first? Eenie, meenie, miney--  
  
BUFFY: (as Curly) Hey, Moe!  
  
She points the gun straight at  
  
WILLOW: ...herself, ending this movie. The end.  
  
Natalie. Suddenly, a gun shot is heard. But it wasn't Brenda's gun. It was Reese firing the gun she had hidden. Brenda drops the gun and clutches her wounded arm.  
  
XANDER: (as Brenda) Hey, you gave me an owie!  
  
Reese -   
Moe!  
  
Reese collapses back onto the floor.  
  
BUFFY: (as Reese) ... I'm spent.  
  
Natalie bends down and picks up the gun. She aims it at Brenda.  
  
SPIKE: Kill her... kill her.  
  
Brenda -   
What,  
  
XANDER: (as Brenda) ...do you want now, Natalie?  
  
are you going to shoot me, Natalie? Huh? What kind of friend are you?  
  
ALL: (laugh)  
WILLOW: She's the kind of friend who kills people on 'accident'.  
BUFFY: And then thinks it's all about her. *She* was traumatized. *She* was hurt. Screw the guy she helped kill.  
XANDER: Cordelia!  
WILLOW/BUFFY: (snort with laughter) Exactly.  
  
Natalie grips the gun tightly, determined. Brenda screams, and Natalie fires.  
  
WILLOW: (as Natalie) Oops, sorry, Brenda. You scared me... I didn't mean to shoot you.  
  
The bullet rips into Brenda, sending her flying backwards. She crashes through the boarded up window.  
  
ALL: YES!  
  
EXT. STANLEY HALL  
  
Brenda begins to fall.  
  
XANDER: (singing) It's raining women, hallelujah, it's raining women--  
SPIKE: Uh-huh.  
  
INT. STANLEY HALL/ROOM  
  
Natalie stares, stunned that she pulled the trigger and that Brenda actually flew through the window.  
  
WILLOW: (as Natalie) She flew like a birdie. Tee hee.  
  
EXT. STANLEY HALL  
  
Brenda continues to fall. She plummets to the ground.  
  
BUFFY: So apparently she falls in slow-mo.  
WILLOW: Don't all killers?  
BUFFY: (eyeing Spike) I don't know... let's see.  
SPIKE: Back off.  
  
INT. STANLEY HALL/ROOM  
  
Natalie continues staring, breathing hard.   
  
BUFFY: (as Natalie) I am so winded. Whew! Killing takes a lot out of you... (as herself) Actually it does. Only, not the pathetic shooting of a gun that Natalie did.  
  
Paul -   
Natalie, give me the gun.  
  
XANDER: (as Natalie) Um, no, Paul, I'm not done yer. Pew-pew! Bye, Paul, bye Reese.  
  
He takes the gun out of her hand.  
  
SPIKE: ...and shoots her. (as Paul) Sorry, Nat... needed a story. The more people dead, the more papers I sell.  
  
Paul -   
Come here.  
  
He embraces her, not wanting to let her go.  
  
WILLOW: ...so he doesn't. And they were joined at the hip for the rest of their lives.  
BUFFY: That way no one can leave you... brilliant.  
  
Paul -   
Are you okay?  
  
Natalie - (crying)  
No.  
  
XANDER: What's with her always answering truthfully. Nobody really cares how she is... when's she gonna get that?  
  
Before Paul can respond, Reese starts coughing. Paul lets go of Natalie and bends down toward Reese.  
  
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Excuse me, Reese! This was 'me' time! You are *so* needy!  
  
Paul -   
Reese.  
  
XANDER: (as Paul) ...help me. I can't get Natalie to let go of me. Could you help pry her off please?  
  
Natalie bends down beside Paul.  
  
WILLOW: ...showing the cameramen her enormous backside.  
BUFFY: (as Natalie) See my butt?  
  
Reese -   
Thought I'd have to wait to be a cop before a bullet'd ever hit me.  
  
WILLOW: (as Reese) Woo hoo, my first battle scar. Yay. Let's just hope I survive it.  
  
Paul -   
Stay down. We're gonna go get help.  
  
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Tee hee, let's leave and never come back. That'd be funny.  
  
Reese -   
All right. Quick.  
  
XANDER: (as Reese) ...are you back yet? I'm waiting... damn, take your sweet-ass time why don't you?  
  
Paul and Natalie stand up and leave the room. Reese groans in pain.  
  
SPIKE: (as Reese) ...I'll be fine. I'm ok. Don't worry about me. You two kids go on... have fun. I'll be fine... yep. I'm good... (sighs) don't worry about me...  
  
EXT. ROAD - LATER - NIGHT - RAINING  
  
Paul's car is the only one on the road.   
  
Natalie - (o.s.)  
Do you think Reese will be all right?  
  
WILLOW: (as Paul) Not really. She'll die horribly, and painfully while we're gone, but that's ok. I never really liked her much anyway.  
  
Paul - (o.s.)  
Reese is gonna be fine.  
  
XANDER: (as Paul) ...and I'd know, because I'm a doctor as well as a journalist.  
  
Paramedics are on their way.  
  
INT. PAUL'S CAR  
  
After a moments silence, Natalie speaks.  
  
WILLOW: Shh! Natalie's about to speak. Quiet everybody!  
  
Natalie -   
This will become a legend, too, you know. It'll change a little from person to person, of course. Brenda'll become a guy,  
  
XANDER: (as Paul) You mean she wasn't a guy?  
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Shut up, Paul.  
  
and you'll become a cop.  
  
WILLOW: (as Paul) I'm not one?  
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Shut up, Paul.  
WILLOW: (as Paul) Oh yeah, I'm a journalist... without ethics.  
  
And I'll probably end up in an insane asylum.  
  
WILLOW: (as Paul) I can guarantee that one.  
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Shut up, Paul.  
  
Paul -   
If this is an urban legend--  
  
In the backseat, an axe cones into view.  
  
WILLOW: How does an axe cone, exactly?  
XANDER: (shrugs) Dunno.  
  
Paul - (cont'd)  
At what point do we get to the twist?  
  
XANDER: ...wait for it... wait for it... wait for it. And... now!  
  
Brenda rises into view, fire burning in her eyes.  
  
BUFFY: Ow. That's gotta hurt.  
  
She gets prepared to swing the axe. Paul looks into his rearview mirror and gasps.  
  
WILLOW: (as Paul) Crap, we're really in trouble now, there's nothing shiny to distract her with!  
  
He grabs Natalie and pushes her head down.  
  
SPIKE: (as Natalie) Excuse me, if you wanted--  
WILLOW: Oral sex!  
SPIKE: (as Natalie)--oral sex, Paul, all you had to do was ask. (as himself) Hey, I was gonna say that... wasn't gonna get graphic or anything.  
WILLOW: (unconvinced) Mmm-hmm.  
  
He ducks too, barely avoiding the axe as it swings inches above their heads, smashing into the door.  
  
XANDER: Oh, come on. She got Michelle on the first swing... why'd she miss this time?  
BUFFY: Because now she's got... (dramatically) Paul and Natalie as victims.  
  
EXT. ROAD  
  
The car swerves to the side of the road.  
  
XANDER: ...narrowly missing the Energizer Bunny.  
WILLOW: It keeps going... and going... and going.  
BUFFY: You know, they stole that from Pee Wee Herman.  
OTHERS: O_O  
BUFFY: Pee Wee's Big Adventure? Remember, when he's telling them about how and why his bike was stolen? In the basement? At the beginning... forget it.  
WILLOW: (laughs) Sorry, I remember, I just wanted to see you squirm a little.  
XANDER: Me too.  
BUFFY: Not nice.  
WILLOW: I know. But fun.  
  
INT. CAR  
  
Brenda swings the axe and hits Paul in the head with the flat side of it. He groans.  
  
SPIKE: ...and then falls forward, unconscious. The car swerves off the road, and they all die. The end.  
  
EXT. ROAD  
  
The car swerves again.  
  
SPIKE: ...then goes off the road, and they all die. The end.  
  
INT. CAR  
  
Brenda has grabbed Natalie and thrown her into the backseat. She   
presses the axe against Natalie's throat, trying to strangle her.  
  
BUFFY: You know, there are much better ways to kill someone with an axe. Strangling... axe... they don't really go together.  
  
Natalie has a grip on the axe, trying to push it away from her throat.  
  
BUFFY: See there? That's one reason why you don't strangle a person with an axe.  
  
Brenda is screaming wildly.  
  
WILLOW: I'm about ready to start crying wildly. This thing is never gonna end.  
BUFFY: Hang in there, Will. It's almost over.  
WILLOW: No, it's not. It'll never end.  
  
Paul -   
Natalie!  
  
SPIKE: (as Paul) I just now realized you were in danger back there... sorry, honey.  
  
He reaches back and grabs Brenda's hair, pulling her toward him.  
  
XANDER: (as Paul) Let's have a threesome. Gimme a kiss, baby.  
  
EXT. ROAD  
  
The car continues to swerve left and right.  
  
WILLOW: Oh, that car is drunk. It shouldn't drive while drunk.  
XANDER: Nope. It shouldn't. When I get a car that drives itself and stuff, I won't let it drive drunk.  
  
INT. CAR  
  
Brenda jerks  
  
SPIKE: ...Paul's pants off and--  
BUFFY: And, no.  
  
her head, and Paul loses his grip.  
  
SPIKE: ...on Brenda's breasts--  
BUFFY: (exasperated) Spike, no.  
SPIKE: You going to stop me, Slayer? Physically?  
BUFFY: Yes.  
SPIKE: Then do it.  
BUFFY: (sighs) Maybe later.  
  
Brenda's head falls back against the seat. Paul looks out his windshield, sees a bridge coming up. Brenda head-butts Natalie, sending her flying into the floorboard between the two front seats. Paul looks down at Natalie, then back at the road.  
  
BUFFY: (to Spike) What? Nothin' to say here?  
SPIKE: Nope.  
  
EXT. ROAD/BRIDGE  
  
The car roars onto the bridge.  
  
WILLOW: Rowr.  
XANDER: Will, calm down with the excitement there.  
  
INT. CAR  
  
Brenda raises the axe and prepares to hit Natalie with the shaft.  
  
SPIKE: ...of her--  
BUFFY: Ah-ah! She doesn't have one.  
SPIKE: Sure she does... she's a guy. Didn't you figure that out?  
WILLOW: Cute. Funny.  
  
Paul jerks the wheel.  
  
SPIKE: Whole lotta nasty things I could say here...  
XANDER: But you aren't going to 'cause then Buffy'll hurt ya.  
SPIKE: Like I said... do it.  
BUFFY: Like I said... maybe later.  
  
EXT. BRIDGE  
  
The car rams into one of the side rails, sending sparks flying.  
  
WILLOW: (as Natalie) Look, Brenda... pretty  
  
INT. CAR  
  
Brenda falls against the door.  
  
WILLOW: Push her out. Push her out!  
  
She rights herself  
  
ALL: Damn.  
  
and prepares to strike Natalie with the axe. Brenda screams in insanity. Natalie screams  
  
BUFFY: ...in sanity. Oddly enough, both are annoying.  
  
and puts her hand in front of her face.  
  
XANDER: Yeah. Your hand will really stop that axe.  
  
Paul jerks the wheel.  
  
SPIKE: Guess he's gotta get his jollies somehow.  
WILLOW: Spike... that was predictable.  
SPIKE: Oh. Sorry.  
  
EXT. BRIDGE  
  
The car rams into a side railing. Brenda comes flying through the   
window, screaming. She falls past the railing and toward the frigid waters below. She lands with a splash.  
  
ALL: (flatly) Yay.  
  
INT. CAR  
  
Paul helps Natalie out of the floorboard and into her seat.  
  
XANDER: (as Paul) Um, honey, really... you should sit in the seat. It's dangerous down there.  
  
He stares out the broken windshield.  
  
BUFFY: (as Paul) I'll miss that crazy bitch.  
XANDER: (as Natalie, sniffs) Me too.  
  
He puts his hand on his head, the pain from where Brenda hit him with the axe still there.  
  
SPIKE: No, really? I thought it might have gone poof.  
WILLOW: Like Brenda?  
SPIKE: Just like that.  
  
EXT. BRIDGE  
  
Natalie opens her door and climbs outside.  
  
BUFFY: ...falling to the water below... oops, guess she should've looked down first.  
  
Paul crawls over the seat and gets out of the car. He jogs over to the railing and looks down at the river.  
  
BUFFY: (as Paul) Feel the burn. Feel the burn.... ooo, got a cramp. Got a cramp.  
  
PAUL'S POV  
  
Brenda's body floats in the river. The currents slowly move it   
downstream.  
  
NORMAL VIEW  
  
Paul turns to Natalie, and they hug. It's a long hug. They don't let each other go, afraid that the other one might die.  
  
SPIKE: But that would be a good thing.  
XANDER: For us.  
SPIKE: Who else is there?  
  
In the distance sirens can be heard. Natalie and Paul ignore them, wrapped in each other's loving arms.  
  
SPIKE: (as Paul) Gimme some sugar, baby.  
WILLOW: (as Natalie) Oh, silly, I don't actually want you... especially now that Brenda's gone. I just wanted to take you from her.  
  
FADE TO:  
  
INT. ASHTON STUDENT UNION - DAY - ??? DAYS LATER  
  
BUFFY: Eh?  
  
CLOSE ON:  
  
A roaring fireplace.  
  
XANDER: Rowr... pfft!  
WILLOW: Cozy.  
  
Blake - (o.s.)  
The river was such a mess because of the storm, it washed away the body. The thing of it is, they never found a body. It wasn't there.  
  
SPIKE: New characters at this late date? How's that work?  
XANDER: It doesn't. Scene! Scene, damn it! Scene!  
  
NORMAL VIEW  
  
BLAKE, a cute looking guy, sits on a couch next to DORKY GUY and TRENDY GIRL. Sitting on the other couch is JENNY, HIPPIE GUY, and a woman we can't see.  
  
ALL: ...ok.  
  
His friends break out  
  
BUFFY: ...machine guns and blow him away. Scene!  
  
laughing.  
  
Trendy Girl -   
Oh, bullshit.  
  
WILLOW: She's just been told she's a new character being introduced in the last two minutes.  
  
Blake -   
It's true. It happened right here at Ashton. I swear to God.  
  
Hippie Guy -   
Man, that is the stupid story you hear at every campus in the   
northeast.  
  
BUFFY: Yeah, like maybe at Pendleton? The university that this doesn't happen to be? End already!  
  
Trendy Girl -   
Exactly. I mean, where's your proof?  
  
Blake -   
Were you even listening? It all keeps getting covered up. Think about it. Who would enroll at Murder "U?"   
  
SPIKE: Brenda would. That's why she signed up in the first place. And I guess now we know why.  
WILLOW: She's a murderer.  
  
Dorky Guy -   
Yeah, and you know what? Natalie, she's my old roommate's cousin.  
  
XANDER: Really?  
BUFFY: (as dorky guy) No.  
  
Jenny -   
And Brenda's the girl in that Noxzema commercial.  
  
ALL: (laugh)  
  
Trendy girl laughs.  
  
Blake -   
Does anybody here believe me?  
  
Trendy Girl -   
Not a chance, no.  
  
Jenny -   
No, Blake.  
  
WILLOW: Unh-uh.  
BUFFY: No way.  
XANDER: Nope.  
SPIKE: No.  
  
The woman who we can't see raises her hand.  
  
Woman -   
I believe you.  
  
XANDER: (as woman) Just kidding!  
  
Blake -   
Thank you.  
  
The camera pans over to the woman. The woman is...BRENDA!  
  
ALL: No!  
WILLOW: Not more Brenda, not more story!  
  
She looks a little different, with more make-up and different style clothes, but it is her.  
  
Brenda -   
But you didn't tell it right.  
  
Blake -   
I didn't?  
  
Brenda - (chuckles)  
Not at all.  
  
She leans forward.  
  
Brenda - (cont'd)  
Okay, listen up, guys, 'cause this is how the story... really goes.  
  
She smiles.  
  
CUT TO BLACK  
  
WILLOW: That sucked. That was horrible.  
XANDER: Yes, it was.  
BUFFY: Never again. Ever.  
SPIKE: We can only hope.  
(they all get up, moving as far away from the script as possible)  
  
  
_______________________________________________________________________________________________  
  
  
Later that night, Spike listened carefully for signs of movement. There was nothing. He reached out and turned the doorknob, pushing the door open. It swung silently to the wall, giving him a perfect view of Willow. She was asleep in her bed, completely unaware of him watching her. He took a deep breath, and let it out slowly.  
  
It had occured to him earlier that day that... if they weren't actually themselves, and were in fact just parts of themselves, or clones, whether magickal or not, then what harm would it do to make a move on the witch? If she was amenable to it. He wouldn't force himself on her, that really wasn't his style.  
  
He chuckled, shutting the door and laying down in his own bed. It'd be fun to see what Buffy and Xander had to say about it.  
  
  
_______________________________________________________________________________________________  
  
  
Ok, I know this one sucked before, but, hopefully it doesn't anymore. I revamped this part, and part 5, and I'm much happier with them than I was before, I hope you are too. Whatever you think of them, review and let me know. Reviews keep me going. Thanks. :) 


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